Nibai Akuma Kokoro
by YamiTenshi
Summary: Let's see...Is this a story where all the guys of Konoha except Naruto, of course, and a certain redhead turn into girls and can't keep their hands off of Naruto? A battle for Naruto's heart and Gaara...In high heels? NaruHarem? Yep. NC-17
1. Why Did Ramen Betray Me?

Pwhaa… I had a really hard time coming up with a title for this…

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Pwhaa… I had a really hard time coming up with a title for this…

I swear you guys only picked this because I said, 'Gaara in high heels'. Maybe you did. Who knows?

Enjoy the fic!

0o0

Ch.1 Why Did Ramen Betray Me?

0o0

It was a beautiful day in Konoha. The sky was blue as the sun beat down, and the birds sung in the gentle breeze.

Uzumaki Naruto was miserable.

He exhaled deeply for about the millionth time. He'd lost his wallet. No wallet means no ramen. No ramen means no food. No food means being hungry. Being hungry means a depressed Naruto. And it was one of the days when the only thing he wanted to eat was ramen.

He meandered towards the training grounds, moping along with his growling stomach. As he stared into space, a piece of paper slapped into his face.(Rhyme not intentional.) He peeled it off and read it.

'_HEY RAMEN LOVERS!'_

_Are you craving that savory dish like nothing else?_

_Well then, drop on by for our all-you-can-eat ramen buffet!_

_All our ramen is prepared by top chefs!_

_Yes, that's right, ramen prepared by top chefs!  
YOU MUST ATTEND THIS ONCE IN A LIFETIME EVENT!!_

_We're just outside of Konoha, so come on!_

_What're you waiting for?_

_RAMEN!_

Now, anyone with common sense would know that this was obviously a trap.

However, Naruto's common sense was as starving as he was and therefore, ceased to work.

'_Kakashi-sensei won't mind if I miss some training right? He's always late.'_ Naruto let this thought go on spin cycle through his brain until he decided.

'_Ah, what the hell. I'm hungry.'_ He reached the written point and glanced around.

Not a soul was in sight.

'_Maybe I'm late…Or maybe they're late…'_

He reread the flyer and felt a sharp sting in his neck. Naruto put his hand up to the wound and pulled away a tiny, empty syringe.

'…_Ne?'_

And then he passed out.

"Well…That was the easiest thing we've done since…Ever…" One of a shadowy duo remarked as he and his partner hid in a tree.

"Just finish the job."

They sprung down, careful to land silently, and set to their task. One lifted Naruto's eyelids and sprayed a cloudy liquid into his eyes. The other flung a red sphere the size of a golf ball into the center of Konoha, then set up a barrier of crackling silver energy around the whole city.

"And the deed is done." The first one remarked as the sphere exploded into a plume of burgundy smoke that faded into pink fog, then a lingering white mist that was gone by the time Naruto woke up.

Naruto sat up, rubbing his neck where the needle had impaled him.

"I guess I missed them…" He heaved another sigh as he trudged to practice.

Naruto sensed something different about the town, but just couldn't put his finger on whatever it was. At the training grounds, Sakura lay slumped on the grass with two girls he'd never seen before. He tapped the girls gently on the shoulder and they sat up groggily.

One girl, with a black tee-shirt and shorts, plus raven hair that went down to the small of her back, looked up into the blonde's eyes.

'_He's…Cute…'_ The girl reddened slightly and brushed an onyx tress away from her face.

"Hey Naruto. You're late." A woman with chin length silver hair, a black mask that covered all of her face save one eye, and a jonin uniform said as she yawned and stood up.

'_They kinda look like Sasuke-teme and Kakashi-sensei. Weird. Maybe I'm dreaming…'_ Naruto wondered for a moment, then asked, "How do you know my name?"

The woman raised an eyebrow.

"You don't recognize your own teacher? Did you hit your head or something?" she asked, keeping her blush off her face as she looked into his inquisitive sky blue eyes.

"…Kakashi-sensei? Then…" Naruto turned to the raven-haired maiden and continued. "Who are you?"

"It's Sasuke, dobe!" she snarled, causing Naruto to blink in amazement.

'_How _dare_ he not remember who I am?'_

"Eh? Maji de?"

"Uh, Sasuke?" Kakashi started, but was cut off.

"Duh, baka!"

"Sasuke…" Kakashi tried to get the angered girl's attention.

"But they're guys!"

"We're guys!" Sasuke yelled as he-she looked to Kakashi for support and froze. She put a hand to her own ample chest.

"We're…Girls…"

There was a long silence before several shrieks rang out in the distance and Naruto dashed to the source, leaving the stunned three behind.

He scrambled through the woods and stopped when he saw more girls.

One brunette girl with a pixie cut and triangular tattoos on her face stared at her clawed hands. Kiba.

Another brunette with her hair in a small ponytail muttered, "How troublesome…" Shikamaru.

He spied Choji, Lee, and Shino. All girls.

He saw Neji, looking the same as ever.

"I'm so glad you're the same Neji-kun!" Naruto glomped the Hyuuga.

_Squish._

"Squish?" Naruto looked down at Neji's chest.

"Look again baka."  
"Oh…Um…I squished your boobs. They're really nice!" Naruto commented, trying to make the best of the embarrassing situation.

"It's okay…" Neji sighed. _'His eyes are gorgeous. I never noticed before…I wish he was hugging me again…'_

Naruto gaped at the group of girls as Kakashi, Sakura, and Sasuke joined the group. His eyes flitted around the circle, occasionally stopping at someone.

"What's going on? Is this some kind of prank?" Naruto demanded.

"Like hell we know!" Was the general response.

Naruto turned and ran back to his apartment. Everywhere he looked, girls. Only girls. He breathed a sigh of relief as he slammed his door shut.

'_What was all that?'_

Later that evening, his neighbor knocked on his door.

"We've got a town meeting."

Naruto groaned, knowing he would be the only guy there. He was rather uncomfortable around the large group of women. They stood in a crowded hall, at the front of which Tsunade was addressing everyone from a podium.

"We understand your confusion." Tsunade announced. "We have tried everything to reverse the spell but it's not working. We requested assistance from anywhere we could and all have refused in fear of being transformed as well. As far as we can tell, it may wear off. But who knows how long it'll take? A day, a week, a season? Even years could go by. It appears there is only one male left in all of Konoha. Step forward, Uzumaki Naruto."

'_Aw crap.'_

He thought as he dragged himself to the podium. He sat down with her at the desk. Tsunade held the microphone out to him. Her eyes met his and she smiled.

"Tell everyone something about yourself."

"But why?" _'And why is she smiling at me like that?'_

Tsunade took the mic back and spoke.

"He's fifteen, blonde, energetic, albeit he's not the sharpest kunai in the belt." She bumped her hip against his, a gesture went unnoticed because it was hidden from view by the desk. "I like that though. Your naivety is sexy." She whispered .

"Hey! I'm not stupid!" He yelled, ignoring the sexy comment.

"Perhaps I stand corrected." She ran her fingers across his lap, settling on his crotch.

"The bidding starts at five hundred yen!" Tsunade yelled into the mic.

"You're selling me? Why?"

"To make sure the population doesn't drop. Don't worry though. I'll be gentle with you." She replied with a devious grin.

"Come on! He'll wear you out! Do I hear five hundred yen?" she called once more.

"Five hundred fifty!" someone yelled.

"Five hundred fifty from the lady in black!"

"Are you all insane?" Naruto asked.

"Six hundred!" The girl in black (Sasuke) scowled at her competitor (Neji) who smirked.

"Seven hundred!" Hinata added.

"Eight hundred!" A new voice called out.

"Naruto…They want you…But I want you too." Tsunade whispered as she licked his cheek.

"What are you doing Baa-chan?" Naruto demanded.

"No fair Tsunade!"

"He is the man of my destiny in my dreams! One thousand yen!"

"Two thousand!"

'_I gotta get out of here!'_ "Banzai!" Naruto yelled as he made a mad break and charged into a wall, which being made of drywall, crumbled easily.

"Get him!" someone shrieked and at least half of the room emptied after him.

Naruto ran, brushing away the drywall powder that clung to him.

'_Help me Kyuubi!'_

'_**Take 'em all.'**_

'_That's not funny.'_

'_**Yes it is.'**_

'_No it's not!'_

'_**Kit, just keep running. I have a feeling you'll be able to find help.'**_

As he felt manicured hands ripping at his clothes, he sprinted with renewed vigor. Naruto managed to get them out of his sight when he crashed into someone.

"Help me Gaara-kun!" Naruto begged as he stared intently into the redhead's eyes.

She looked about the same, with the exception that her hair now fell down to her knees.

"Um…Okay…" she agreed. (That's right. Gaara got changed too.) The sand dropped to the ground and reformed around him as its usual gourd shape.

"Have you seen a blonde kid?" A woman, (Tsunade?), asked.

"Yeah. He went that way." Gaara pointed them in the opposite direction and the riot traveled on. She uncorked the gourd.

"Do you want to get out now?"

"Well…If it's not too much to ask, could you take me home?"

"Sure…I guess… Where do you live?"

Naruto told her the address, then asked, "Hey Gaara-kun, why are you in Konoha? And why is this sand red?"

Gaara answered neither question, just kept walking.

"Arigatou gozaimasu, Gaara-kun. You saved me." Naruto said, bowing, after he was let out in front of his apartment.

Gaara shrugged soundlessly and turned to leave.

"Um… Will your village let you come back? I heard they were staying as far away from Konoha as possible while the curse was going on…" Naruto asked abruptly.

"Most likely not." Gaara replied, not even looking back.

"Do you want to stay with me? My place isn't that big and it may be a little crowded, but…" Gaara stopped, then glanced at Naruto.

"Why would you want me to?"

"Do you have money for a hotel?"

"No."

"You don't have to pay to stay here. And besides, who else will protect me from all those psychotic women?" Naruto smiled in a genuine manner.

"I'm psychotic. You surely don't want me to stay."

'_Bakemono!'_

'_Akuma!'_

'_Murderer!'_

'_We're going to kill you the first chance we can!'_

These words still plagued Gaara, fueling his cold anger. They were his motivation. Kill or be killed. His philosophy. What would make Naruto, that boy, any different? He was a fellow container, had suffered the same things, but when it came down to it…

They were just too different.

Naruto had been acknowledged and sought out attention. He had become more secluded, never lowering his shield from the world that hated him. Naruto smiled and laughed. He had long forgotten how to do those in sincerity, both only available to him when he killed.

It was an arbitrary solution.

It wouldn't last.

"You're not psychotic. You just kill people. That's our job." Naruto spoke calmly. "Although you can get a little out of hand sometimes." He smiled sheepishly.

"I _slaughter_ humans for fun."

This boy was starting to annoy her. Her sand itched, ready to kill.

"Can't say I haven't thought of doing that myself."

'_Don't pretend like you understand me! Go take your happiness and leave me be!'_

"I'm a bakemono."

"So am I."

"I'm a girl!" Gaara yelled in last resort before she had to rip the blonde into pieces.

"Only on the outside."

"Chikuso!" Gaara slammed her fist against the hallway's wall.

"Are you okay Gaara-kun?" Naruto asked, eyes concerned.

"Why don't you hate me? Why don't you fear me?" she demanded.

"Why should I?" Naruto began approaching the redhead.

She was crouching now, looking like a trapped animal ready to attack the person who'd caged her. Naruto leaned over to touch Gaara's shoulder, but she shoved him away.

"Don't touch me. I don't want your compassion. I'm happy alone."  
_'You think you can heal me? Save me? I'll make you wish you never saw me. I'll make it hurt so bad you'll never want to see my face again! I won't kill you, but you'll beg for death!'_

Naruto said nothing, but gripped Gaara's shoulder tight enough that it couldn't be shoved away. He knelt down in front of Gaara, who yelled, "Do you want to die? I'll kill you!"

"That's okay."

'_What?'_ Gaara thought.  
"I didn't get to become Hokage. I didn't even make chunin. I haven't kicked Sasuke's ass yet. I won't get to make my dreams a reality. But I'll accomplish one thing. You'll know that someone did care about bakemono like us." He hugged Gaara, who struggled to break free. "You're not alone anymore."

'…_His words…I want to hear them again. Kitsune gaki.'_

Gaara stopped resisting, then noticed Naruto had turned extremely pale. He stood up slowly, body tense, and primed to make a break for it.

"What's so special about her?" One woman demanded.

Gaara stood up and realized the double x-chromosome mob had found them.

"Yeah! Why do you have your claws in someone else's man?"

"Bitch, it's about to get hot up in he-ah!" (Oh slang, you make comedy better. But it's hard to spell the different emphases.)

"To me, he is a kindred spirit. Get out."  
"Who do you think you are?"

"I am Sabaku no Gaara, now _get out_." She growled as sand began to slither down the hall.

The other girls screamed and fled upon fleet feet, so Gaara called off her sand and entered Naruto's apartment.

'_Will you help me now Kyuubi?'_

'_**I suppose.'**_

'_Great! So what do I do?'_

'_**First you kiss her, then you- '**_

'_That's not what I'm talking about!' _Naruto blushed.

'_**Just do as I say kit.'**_ Kyuubi whispered the signs to Naruto.

"Kanbou: Kitsune Faia!" (Ward: Fox Fire) he made the hand signs rapidly and a faint line of red encircled the door.

'_**That should keep out most of your unwanted intruders.'**_

'_Should?'_

Naruto sat down on his bed and said, "Hey Gaara-kun, come here." He patted the sheets.

Gaara sat down, and Naruto began parting her hair into three sections.

"What are you doing?"

"Braiding your hair so it doesn't get in your way."

"…Do you _know_ how to do hair?"

"After Lee fought you, I figured I should have something to fall back on if I ever get trashed that bad. I picked stylist."

"…That's…Odd…"

"Yeah. I know." Naruto smiled guiltily.

He finished the braid and tied it off with a black ribbon, then yawned.

"Good night Gaara-kun." He crawled under his sheets and slept.

"..." Gaara said good night as well, but only well after Naruto was asleep.

0o0

And thus ends the first chapter! How was it?


	2. Naruto Has A Secret Life?

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Hey peoples, it's been a while, hasn't it? Yes, your comments so inspired me that I did much revision to the original draft.

Chi: You liar, you ditched this to work on Onegai Teishu.

Tenshi: Well yeah, that too.

0o0

Ch.2 Naruto Has A Secret Life?

0o0

Naruto was dreaming that there was a pair of heavy breasts pressing against him. He woke and found there _was_ a pair of heavy breasts pressing against him.

"Baa-chan? What the- "

"Shh… You forgot to lock the window…" Tsunade pressed her finger on his lips.

He internally cursed his owns stupidity, dammed the laughing Kyuubi, and made a mental note to remember to seal the windows from now on as well.

"How naughty do you want to be?" the fifty-something-year old purred. (Wait a minute…I just thought of something. If the sannin are all the same age, that means Orochimaru hit on a twelve year old:shudders: He's cool and all, but he's too old to be a pedophile. You never really hear about pedophiles over 47. And priests don't count. Don't get me start on them…)

"Gaara-kun! Help me!" Naruto hollered as he struggled.

She was still ridiculously strong for her age. Gaara roused herself from the meditation state she'd been staying in. With a handy flick of the wrist, Tsunade was escorted out the way she came on a carpet of sand.

"Are you…" Gaara tried to find the proper thing to say in a situation such as this. She thought back to the times she'd watched normal people living their foolishly happy existences in awe. Lucky bastards. Surely there was something she could remember…

"Okay?" Naruto prompted.

"Yeah…Okay."

"Thanks to you." Naruto gave a true smile and yawned. "Well… See you in the morning."

'_**Not so fast kit. It's time for your lazy human ass to train.'**_

'_Whaaat? It's three in the morning.'_

'_**Cry me a river, kit.**_ _**Before I was trapped in you, I didn't have the luxury of an eight hour sleep. We demons trained ourselves into the dirt every day.'**_

'_I'm not a demon.'_

'_**That doesn't mean anything.'**_

'_Neither does your story.'_

'_**Don't get cheeky, brat. I can still punish you from in here.'**_ Kyuubi flared his chakra violently, surging it through Naruto's system. It burned through his veins and he writhed in the sudden pain. Ninja around the town felt the massive chakra spike until it died down as quickly as it had come.

'_**See? Now give me two hundred laps, brat.'**_

'_But it's three…'_

"Naruto?" Gaara's soft, mellow toned voice awoke Naruto from the conversation.

"Can you believe what that bastard fox wants me to do? Get up and train this early!" Naruto laughed sheepishly, flinching as a milder punishment was delivered.

Gaara wondered why this was a problem. She'd trained herself at all hours, seeing as she couldn't sleep. It was a good way to kill time. And then she remembered that even though Naruto was a jinchuurki, he did need sleep.

"I'll go with you…If you wish."

"Really?"

Gaara nodded affirmation.

"Yay!" Naruto felt better now that he had someone to endure the torture with.

Naruto got up without bothering to change from his sleeping attire and opened his door, beckoning Gaara to join him. The Suna ninja lifted her gourd from the floor, slung it over her back and caught up to Naruto. The early morning air was crisp and fresh, so much unlike the dry air of the desert Gaara was used to and she inhaled it deeply. She noticed that Naruto had a similar scent, the scent of earth and trees. Gaara decided she liked that scent.

As Naruto jogged Gaara remained at his side silently, walking quickly. She didn't have anything to talk about, thus she said nothing. Naruto though he expected it, couldn't stand the lack of speech. Talking to others is what kept him sane all these years, if he hadn't he probably would've ended up like Gaara. The more he talked, the less crazy and the world felt, even if it was just for a moment. On many occasions he found he was talking to himself. He'd had dozens of imaginary friends, but now he had something even better.

Real friends made of flesh and blood. Friends he heard with his ears instead of his mind.

Gaara happened to be one of them.

"Ne, Gaara-kun!"

Gaara gave him a look that said, 'I'm right here, you don't have to shout.'

"You wanna know how I got so good at doing hair?"

Gaara shrugged indifferently. If the blonde wanted to speak, let him. She'd quickly learned that Naruto would tell you whatever was on his mind, even if you didn't want to hear it.

"I started practicing on stuffed animals and things like that. I was really bad back then. But I practiced _really_ hard every day and I started getting good. Since people wouldn't let me work on their heads, I decided to get some wigs. Turns out that not only are good ones expensive, but the lady who owned the place I was going to had some kind of grudge against me and wouldn't let me get within five feet of the shop. Yet I got away with it." He connected eyes with Gaara, a devious glint sparking within.

"I used a henge to turn myself into Sasuke-teme and sent all the bills to his house. And now he has to pay for fifty thousand yens worth of beauty supplies! And the best part is that he doesn't even know who's doing it!" Naruto giggled mischievously and Gaara resisted rolling her eyes at the blonde's wily stupidity.

'_**This is the most absurd crap I've ever heard in my life. And I have heard A LOT of crap. Mostly from you. If you kill him, you'll be doing the world a favor.'**_ Gaara tried to ignore the voice in her head as Naruto continued.

"I've been experimenting with other fields, like nails and makeup, so maybe I can become a beauty master…" Naruto got a dreamy look on his face before jabbering away about shiatsu massage therapy and aromatherapy and various other 'therapies'.

The sand stirred anxiously, thirsty for fresh blood. Gaara dismissed it and it seemed to hiss at her before lulling itself. She wasn't weaned off senseless killing yet and she almost shivered at the pure desire of destroying the one who'd beaten her. Shukaku crooned sweet words of malicious intent making the strain greater. The last thing she needed to do was cause an incident by killing not only a foreign nin (though by being in said ninja's country, technically she's the foreigner), but one that happened to be a jinchuurki. More or less, all hell would break loose.

"Gaara-kuun… Haven't you been listening to me?" Naruto whined with a pout.

Gaara cross-referenced her studies of human emotion and determined that Naruto was upset by the fact that she indeed hadn't. Normally, if someone was mad at her she'd kill them instantly, but again we face the difficulty of a jinchuurki's murder. And the fact that at least a dozen highly skilled ninja were fond of said jinchuurki, so she'd have to kill them too and even more ninja would continue coming after her. On the plus side, they might not want to risk a war with Suna so there's a possibility everyone will forget the incident. This is highly unlikely.

"I'm…Sorry…For not listening." Gaara had never really apologized before. Or at least apologized and actually meant it. New emotions made her skin crawl with discomfort.

Naruto did a double take at his friend and gave a rare, true smile. "Aw…Gaa-chan is discovering her warm, fuzzy, nice feelings."

"I feel neither warm nor fuzzy and if you address me as 'chan' again, I'll crush you before you can even blink."

"Don't be so mean… Or do I have to kick your butt _again_?"

"You're impossible, Uzumaki."

"I get that a lot." Naruto gave a foxy grin and started the therapy topic over.

After about the hundred and twenty sixth lap some hours later without being spotted for the most part, (he did happen to have a run-in with several fangirls) he saw a familiar face.

"Hey Kiba-kun!" Naruto waved enthusiastically.

"Hey." She replied and jogged on the other side of Naruto, who slowed to a walk.

Akamaru barked its own greeting.

"So what're you doing up this early?" Naruto asked, not breaking his brusque stride.

"Just walking Akamaru." Kiba said, avoiding the soft blue eyes of the blonde.

"Oh. I guess that's kind of obvious, isn't it?" Naruto laughed at his blunder.

"No, it's okay." She silently apologized to her previous crush Hinata.

For some reason, Naruto was just so irresistible. Perhaps it had to do with the eyes…

At the same time, Gaara greatly disliked having her time with the one person who could understand her being interrupted. The dog-girl didn't even want to want to make eye contact with him. True, she shouldn't be one to talk, but at least she was being herself. The last time Gaara'd seen Kiba during the Chunin exams, she had been a he, and a cocky he at that. Quick to dismiss Naruto's ability, but Naruto quickly proved him wrong with his fists. Naruto was rather good at doing that. He fought to prove his worth to everyone, to prove he was more than a failure. Naruto was a pillar of strength, but not just a ephemeral being high above mortals, he was flawed and that was what made him truly strong. Kyuubi had a rather different impression of Naruto.

'_**You're pathetic. Can't fight to kill, can't do hair, can't pick up vixens… You are a sorry waste of flesh.'**_

Each comment jibed at Naruto like an arrow, but the first two annoyed him the most. _'What do __**you**__ know about hair?'_

'_**That it shouldn't be messed with.'**_

As Naruto fought this personal battle, Kiba finally noticed Gaara and, in shock, tripped over her own feet. Naruto snapped out of his daze and grabbed Kiba's hand to pull her up before she hit the dirt. They were face to face now, Kiba fighting to restrain a blush.

"You okay?" Naruto queried.

"Y-yeah…" Kiba wished she could dig a hole to hide in.

Ninja were supposed to be poised and graceful, not bumbling fools who fell over themselves. In a moment of pure Hinata-ish thinking Kiba fled, yelling some excuse she didn't remember later, leaving Naruto in the dust of her wake.

"So…Um…" Naruto struggled for a conversation topic to distract the fact of Kiba's sudden departure. He couldn't help but think, 'how odd'. "You never told me why you were in Konoha, Gaa-chan." He remembered Gaara's threat too late.

Sand encased all but his head and Gaara gave one of her crazy smiles.

"I'm sorry Gaara-kun! Please don't kill me!" Naruto begged, hoping to appeal to Gaara's better nature. Then remembered Gaara didn't have a better nature. So he just decided to glare at her instead.

"What did I just say about calling me 'chan'?"

"To not."

"And you deliberately disobeyed an order from the Kazekage?"

"Not consciously."

"Really?" Gaara got close to Naruto, whispering in his ear. "I think you did it on purpose. I could kill you right now. It'd be effortless. Shukaku keeps nagging and nagging that I should revel in your blood. And I _want_ to."

The contrast of Gaara's warm breath and cold words sent shivers running down his spine and turned his blood to ice. And he was let go.

"You should leave. Now. I won't be responsible for what happens to you if you stay with me any longer." Gaara pushed Naruto away, wondering if his resolve would hold.

Naruto looked proudly into Gaara's eyes. "No."

"How could- " Gaara started, but was interrupted by Sakura.

"Naruto, you idiot! You'll be late!" she went to punch him in the back of his head, but he expected it and ducked.

"Late for what?" Naruto asked, righting himself.

"Ugh, you really are stupid aren't you? Last night, all the rookie squads were ordered to go to a special meeting at seven today."

Naruto frowned. "How can you expect me to remember something like that after a bunch of psychotic women chased me?"

Sakura shook her head and dragged him to the training grounds. Gaara decided since that Naruto seemed to be somewhat suicidal for even bothering to associate with herself, it was all right to follow.

Naruto arrived at the meeting in the ensemble he'd been wearing since his rude awakening hours (and six pages) ago. Which was a pair of loosely fitting grey sweatpants and nothing else. Nearly a dozen pairs of eyes looked his way.

"What's going on? What's with the fancy meeting?"

He didn't get an answer straight away, gazes lingered at him for some time. His well sculpted body was covered by a light sheen of sweat. The pants rode low on his hips, getting dangerously close to…Sasuke had to look away to prevent a massive nosebleed, but there was a considerable amount of his blood already dripping to the ground, staining the grass. Naruto hitched up his pants to end the show.

"Well…As we were saying, fighting with your new bodies will take some getting used to." Kakashi said, looking everywhere but Naruto. "And of course there's other things about womanhood you'll need to learn to deal with. Boobs, periods, and all that other jazz." Her bluntness was not well received by the 'real' women and Kurenai contemplated having a little talk through her fists. Her students were now probably scarred for life because of that damn copy-ninja.

All the ex-boys scrunched their noses up at the thought of…Periods. (Everyone dreads them. That's a fact. But if you have really bad cramps and your boss asks where you were yesterday, you can just say 'Woman problems' and they will not ask a damn thing after that.)

"What is this 'period' she speaks of?" Gaara asked only loud enough for Naruto to hear, wondering what could cause such revulsion at just the mentioning of the world. If it could cause unpleasantness for others, Gaara wanted it.

Naruto murmured the answer back.  
Surely enough, Gaara was repulsed. She prided herself on her freakishly good sanitation and that just… "…That's unhygienic…" she muttered, not looking forward to the 'red curse'.

"Oi, dobe." Sasuke grunted as she approached him.

She wore the same clothes as usual, but they were baggier on her slimmer frame and her white shorts kept sliding down ever so slightly.

"Eh?"

"While you were gossiping with _this guy_, I was assigned to be your sparring partner." Naruto could hear the resentment in Sasuke's voice. She was stilled pissed that Gaara had beaten her and Naruto had beaten Gaara.

"Come on."

"But Gaara-kun…"

"_Gaara_ can find something else to do. I might suggest going back to his own damn country and leaving us alone." Sasuke's venom touch to his statement made Naruto cringe.

This could get ugly fast.

"Teme, you're supposed to be fighting me, not Gaara-kun."

Sasuke let a drawn out glower grace Gaara before dashing away into the forest. Naruto smiled briefly at the sand nin and chased Sasuke. Naruto surveyed the copse he'd entered but saw no trace of the raven haired girl. Then, a flicker of white in the corner of his eye. Naruto pretended he hadn't seen it and waited until she lunged from the side, a scored a line vertically on her arm with a kunai. She slid to a stop and rounded about into a battle pose. Naruto took his own fighting stance.

"Do you want me to go easy on you, Sasuke-_hime_?" he smirked when the girl got mad.

Sasuke lunged forward for a punch that Naruto sidestepped and leapt back to dodge the roundhouse that followed it.

"What's wrong, _hime?_ Break a nail?" Naruto taunted.

Sasuke growled and threw three shuriken at her opponent that Naruto avoided, Matrix-style. Sasuke felt off, like something wasn't right. Normally, Naruto wouldn't have been able to sense her or do anything but block her physical attacks. Normally, the taunts Naruto was tossing at him wouldn't have bothered him so much. But then again, Sasuke was normally a guy.

She couldn't properly judge how to balance her new weight in a manner that produced the least sound, her arms and legs seemed just a little bit shorter, and each time Naruto insulted her, Sasuke almost wanted to cry. How could he be so mean?

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!" Naruto performed his signature jutsu, creating five more of himself.

Naruto analyzed the situation, feeling so _alive_. A sharp pain shot through Sasuke's abdomen that nearly doubled her over. It was like she'd been stabbed with a phantom knife and looked to Naruto, bewildered. The blonde gladly took this opening, sending forth three to batter Sasuke, but she changed them back to smoke and continued to clutch at her the pain, wanting to rip out this invisible blade that plagued her. The remaining two caught her, one to each side, revealing an new opportunity. He punched Sasuke in the spot that pained her so, making the already intense pain worse and merrily pummeled away at her as she gasped for breath.

Naruto got behind Sasuke, casually placing a kunai beneath her chin. "Do you surrender, hime? Or are you waiting for your prince to rescue you?"

Sasuke didn't answer, couldn't answer. Naruto was talking in her ear, pressing his body against her to keep her still, and her body was alight at his touch. A shudder of delight passed through her body. She could smell Naruto, he smelled strongly of wilderness and…Lavender? The pain was still throbbing in her abdomen and it was joined by a wet heat between her legs. If Naruto could see her face, he'd see it was flushed crimson and that she was panting, not of tiredness, but of arousal. Naruto really had no idea of how…_Sexy…_Their position was. He just held the blade at her throat as the pain continued and she felt something drip down her leg. It happened again. And again.

She finally manage some words as the uncomfortable sensation continued.

"Go to hell, dobe." She choked out, a stray tear escaping her eye, leaking onto Naruto's hand.

Naruto pressed the kunai harder, almost breaking skin. Then he caught a whiff of something he hadn't expected. Blood.

"Sasuke? Are you…Okay?" he was halfway between letting Sasuke go and risking a surprise attack and holding on and risking the chance something might actually be wrong.

"I'm fine, dobe!" she growled, but its effect was lost in the soft sob that followed.

Sasuke and Naruto were good friends despite being rivals, but there still were a lot of things Naruto had almost never seen his companion do. One of them was cry.

"Kami, you're crying! What's wrong with you?" Naruto dismissed his doppelgangers.

Sasuke fell to the ground in Naruto's arms, like dead weight, crying more. Naruto dropped the kunai and crouched down in front of Sasuke, giving subconscious little comforters. Brushing her hair away from her tear streaked face, handling her gently, taking one hand in his.

"What's wrong? Tell me what's wrong. Sasuke, look at me. Tell me." Naruto was too distracted to notice the blood on Sasuke's legs.

"I don't know, there's this weird pain and I don't feel normal!" Sasuke was getting close to being hysterical.

After all, how was a guy supposed to know that his extreme mood swing and crippling pain was from his _very first period_?

Sasuke and the rest of the men never really wanted to delve too deeply into the topic, so of course they didn't know all the symptoms. All they knew was that girls bled a lot and that it was gross and that tampons are a source of enjoyment for hours. (Like you haven't filled the bathroom sink with water and stuck a tampon in there to watch it expand. Even _I _do that sometimes.)

"What's going on with me?" Sasuke demanded.

"Shh, you'll be alright, you'll be alright." Naruto hugged the girl close to assure her.

And he noticed the smell of blood was stronger. He looked to the source and saw a bloodspot slowly blossoming on her shorts. Everything was suddenly clear.

"Kami… Sasuke, calm down. Deep breaths." Naruto commanded.

Sasuke took a few breaths and stared into Naruto's eyes.

"We're going to get you home, all right? You, believe it or not, just started your…Y'know…" Naruto didn't think it seemed proper to say it out loud.

Sasuke blinked in shock. This wasn't actually happening, was it? It was impossible. And Naruto couldn't seriously expect her to walk through town with bloody shorts on.

"We'll sneak. Think of it as a mission, if you want." Naruto tried to make the best of the situation.

Sasuke nodded and they started off towards the Uchiha mansion. They were almost spotted twice, once by a Sasuke fangirl, the other by her neighbor, but the two managed to make it all the way there without much of a mishap.

"I'll be right back." Naruto said once leaving Sasuke in her room.

The raven haired girl nodded and Naruto went off to the corner drugstore to get some…Supplies for his lady friend. The woman at the counter gave him an odd look, as far as she could tell Naruto was still a boy. She decided that some questions were better off not asking and let him leave. Sasuke heard the door open, but didn't want to get up. She was laying on the cool floor, liking how it seemed to make the pain lessen. She called out to the blonde, but her guest happened to _not_ be Naruto.

"Uchiha? What are you doing?" Neji asked as she eyed the grounded Sasuke.

"Why the hell are you in my house?" Sasuke growled at the brunette.

"What is Uzumaki doing here? I heard you calling for him."

"It's none of your damn business." Sasuke replied.

The door opened for the second time and this time it actually was Naruto. He looked between Neji and Sasuke in confusion. It wasn't like Neji to just waltz into someone's house randomly. He set the bag down atop the nightstand next to Sasuke's bed.

"Neji? What're you doing in Sasuke's house?" Naruto asked.

"I could ask you the same thing."

Neji was glad to see the blonde in general, but thoroughly pissed that he was in the Uchiha manor. She'd observed them leaving the forest, trying to make sure no one saw them making their break for it. Neji apologized to his sparring partner Lee and left immediately to tail them.

"Sasuke wasn't feeling well, so I took her home." Naruto stated the truth and nothing but the truth and it seemed like Neji didn't believe it.

"Are you sure that's all that was happening?" Neji leered at Sasuke.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke wanted to beat the bitch senseless for intruding not only her home, but her time with Naruto. She'd been hoping she could make something…Interesting happen.

"Are you sure you weren't just faking ill to commence more…How should I say this? Lascivious actions?"

Naruto blushed at the accusations and Sasuke grimaced at the fact that she'd partially hit the nail on the head. As soon as she got rid of the damn pain and of Neji, she'd be all over Naruto. After all, Naruto couldn't resist someone as sexy as her, could he?

"You know…Maybe I should leave…" Naruto was in one of those moments in which he felt it better to let the women discuss it out themselves.

"No!" both girls barked at him.

Naruto flinched and stayed put. He wondered if he should say something. He opened the plastic bag to retrieve a bottle of aspirin. Naruto shook a couple out onto his palm and squatted next to Sasuke.

"Here." He held out his hand, offering the pills.

She took him by the wrist to pull his hand lower and licked the aspirin off. Naruto jerked his hand back reflexively and examined it like it'd nearly been eaten. He glanced at Sasuke to see if she seemed the least bit sorry. She didn't. Sasuke just gave a sexy smirk at him and unbeknownst to our poor lead, Neji contemplated murdering the Uchiha. Naruto's cheeks colored themselves cherry red and mentally slapped himself.

'_No no no! I can't get hot and bothered over one of my special people! Or any of them!'_ But quite a few of Naruto's special people bothered him that way. He dreamt of them kissing him, touching him in places he knew he shouldn't, and so much more. So he tried to change the topic immediately.

"Hey Sasuke-teme, got any spare cash?"

"I'm not buying you ramen if that's what you're thinking." Sasuke scowled, her pride still injured by the earlier defeat.

"I never said you were going to. You're a girl, so you need new clothes. You can't go around looking like a transvestite." Naruto felt slightly less uncomfortable speaking about something he had some authority on.

"So you're some kind of fashion expert all of a sudden?" Sasuke had her pride further marred by Naruto's assessment of the way she dressed.

"As a matter of fact, yes." Naruto was damn proud of himself.

Neji was mildly shocked, but kept it to herself. Sasuke wondered if her jaw was hitting the ground yet. Since when did Naruto know anything about fashion? He was one of the worst dressed people Sasuke had ever met in her entire life.

"There's a lot you don't know about me, teme. And I know what you're thinking. It takes money for the right clothes or the time to pick out something simple that you can make fabulous. I don't have either. Half the time I'm training my ninja skills, the other is spent on other hobbies of mine, and I save all my money for the essentials. But what really kills me…" Naruto gave a small laugh, completely bemused. "Is that you two have got the cash, but you walk around looking like _that._"

Both ex-boys egos were rapidly deflating by that particular dagger-like comment.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Sasuke snarled.

"Nothing…" Naruto gave his own coy smirk as he paced the room.

"Are you implying that we have no fashion sense? It's true the Uchiha has no style but _me?_" Neji was primarily sensitive to his looks.

"Shut up you damn white-eyed bitch!"

"You wanna rumble?"

"Ladies, ladies! Settle down!"

"Are you really saying we…Have no style?" Sasuke was appalled at this side of Naruto. She hadn't known he could be like this. It was intriguing.

"You're the one who said it, not me."

"Dobe."

"Teme."

"If you want to us to get clothes, then let's hurry up and get this over with."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "I'm not buying you anything. That's why I asked if you had spare money. I'm just assisting you in your selections. And we gotta find Gaara."

Sasuke was compelled to ask why they needed the redhead, but held her tongue.

Naruto let Sasuke take care of her woman problems herself and led Neji out. Sasuke rejoined them, glaring at Neji the entire time they searched for Gaara.

They found her, carrying a bag of books that just might be stolen, near the red light district.

"Gaara-kun? Why are you here?" he glanced at a passing prostitute.

"Should I not be?" Gaara wondered why the three were staring at him so strangely.

"No, it's not that…" Naruto sighed. "Just come with us."

Naruto then _continued_ into the red light district, causing further shock for Neji and Sasuke. What would Naruto be doing here? They were wary of there direction. Gaara didn't care. A couple hookers winked at Naruto and he smiled back, addressing them by name, even talked to them for a few minutes.

"…There really is a lot we don't know about the dobe."

Neji nodded in agreement and Gaara continued to not care. "What are you talking about?" she asked.

"We're in the red light district. _The red light district._ And the dobe claims to be some fashion expert."

"Is there something wrong with this area? I haven't seen any problems with it." Then he said something that got under Sasuke's skin. "I already knew about the other thing."

"How?" As far as Sasuke could tell, Gaara arrived in Konoha yesterday. How the hell did he know things Sasuke didn't?

"Are you upset that Naruto considers me more of a special person than you?" Gaara asked, seeing the rage the Uchiha held.

Sasuke clenched and unclenched her fist as she continued to follow Naruto. Between Neji and Gaara, she didn't know who she hated more at the moment.

"Hey Gaara-kun, what's in the bag?" Naruto asked the sand nin.

Gaara glanced calmly at his fellow jinchuurki. "Books. Your instructor gave them to me. The silver haired one."

The Konoha shinobi instantly knew _what_ kind of books they were and Naruto made another mental note to throw them away later. That'd be difficult. Fortunately he didn't have to think on the subject for too terribly long on the same subject, seeing as they'd made it to their destination. The group entered the building, the newcomers unaware of what was coming their way.

There were, of course, lots and lots of clothes. The aforementioned were for men and women and Naruto gave off a contented aura that he was here. A auburn haired woman wearing a halter top, miniskirt, and gogo boots (all of which were in white) looked up from the magazine she was reading. She smiled and abandoned the sales counter to approach Naruto.

"Heeey Naru!" she exclaimed as she hugged the blonde.

"Hey Raoul. It's good to see you." Naruto embraced her back. She planted a quick peck on Naruto's cheek that made Neji and Sasuke luridly emerald with jealousy.

She held him at arms length to examine Naruto. She tutted and sighed. "It's tragic the rags they make you wear."

"You know how us shinobi are, function over fashion."

"Being a ninja, broke or not, is no excuse for not looking your most fabulous all the time. What about that Itachi guy you mentioned?"

Sasuke immediately listened closer at the mere mention of his brother's name. What was going on?

"You said he was sexy." Raoul continued.

"Yeah, but he's evil…And just because I say someone is sexy doesn't mean they dress good."

Sasuke tapped her ears a couple times to make sure nothing was in there because she surely did not just hear Naruto say that her brother was sexy. It was an audible illusion.

"What about that Suna kid?"

Neji and Sasuke's attention went immediately to 'that Suna kid' who was standing there idly, reading one of his new books. Hell no. This was not happening. Naruto thought that not only was Itachi, who was in Sasuke's opinion the evilest bastard on the face of the planet, was sexy, but Gaara too? Neither understood it, to them he looked like a fucking raccoon.

"What about him?"

"Eh? You don't remember that discussion we had about- "

"Yes, I remember. Quite vividly." Naruto cut Raoul off quickly.

"What about that 'jerk' Sasuke? What about him?"

Sasuke felt better, but was still mad she was in the same category of 'People Naruto Think Are Sexy' with raccoon-boy and homicidal-weasel-bastard. But at least depressing-fate-obsessed-lad wasn't, so that made it okay.

"Raoul, some restraint would be nice." Naruto sighed.

"Why?"

"In case you haven't noticed…" he pointed to his additions.

"Oh, no way. The infamous Gaara and Sasuke? Get out." Raoul gasped and surveyed them with approval. "They look just like you described them. Who's this guy?" She pointed at Neji, who felt like she'd been jabbed with a needle. Naruto didn't talk about her.

"Hyuuga Neji." She introduced herself.

"…Oh, I remember you! Naruto says you have sexy- "

"Raoul…" Naruto warned.

"Fine. But can I whichever one you don't- "

"Raoul, stop before I have to hurt you."

"Fine, I'll shut up." She sighed, knowing Naruto wouldn't forgive her if she kept it up. But she knew how to push a couple of Naruto's buttons.

"I picked out an outfit it case you decided to drop in."

"Thanks!"

"It's beneath the counter."

Naruto bounced off and checked to make no one was peeking. He stared at the four, waiting for them to look away.

"Aw, I've already seen you naked before." Raoul said nonchalantly.

"You peeping tom." Naruto said in playful condescendence.

Sasuke could scarcely believe what was going on. It all seemed too surreal. Surprise after surprise, discovering all these different side of Naruto. Flirtatious, responsible, so much more than the happy-go-lucky idiot she'd thought he was. Raoul turned away, giving a look at them that said, 'if I can't look, neither can you'. She hypocritically tried to sneak a peek, but received a double death glare that made the hair on the back of her neck stand. Gaara continued to read the book, trying to figure out what an 'ass master' was.

"Geez, you are _so_ not fun." She pouted.

"How do I look?" Naruto asked, striking a campy pose.

He wore a shirt of black mesh, tight noir leather pants, and oval rimmed shades.

"Well _I_ think you look fantastic. How about you three?"

"It doesn't suit you." Sasuke grunted. It was a shock seeing Naruto wearing absolutely no trace of orange.

Gaara shrugged neutrally and Neji was at a loss for words. They were treading into dangerous territory without a map. The three would most likely remember this for the rest of their lives. Raoul went to Naruto's side and started a quiet conversation with the blonde.

"Remind me why you like these guys again? Didn't you say there were other cute guys?"

"Sure, there's Kiba, and Shikamaru, and I'd say Kakashi-sensei, but I've never even seen his entire face…" Naruto trailed off, thinking about his various choices.

"I think you need to decide. Take it like this; if you could sleep with any one of them, which would it be?"  
"Well, how am I supposed to know? I don't know how much pleasure I'll get out of any particular one."

"You're such a manwhore, Naru-tan." Raoul teased and winked at the blonde's guests. "So you never told me what you came here for…"

"Do I need a reason? I was just helping them get together a wardrobe."

Raoul's eyes glittered enthusiastically. "Prettying them up for a night on the town? What comes after that? A delightful romp under the sheets?"

"It doesn't have to be beneath the covers…" Naruto said slyly.

Raoul laughed and said, "Go ahead and take all the time you want."

Naruto assisted each of his friends one at a time, finding what colors worked best with them. He rounded up the usual necessities, three pairs of jeans for casual wear, a couple skirts, at least one dress, whatever tops looked good. It all was going well until there was just one type of clothing left.

Underwear.

"Hey Raoul, could you…" Naruto looked around for the older ex-male to no avail. But he did find a letter.

_Hey Naru!_

_I thought you'd value some alone time with your guys, (although they're girls now), so I'll be gone by the time you get this! Remember, orgies are always a good idea, don't do anything I wouldn't (which means do everything you can), sensitive spots other than the obvious are toes and ears, and that I might just get some yummy pictures if you dare to do things here and now._

_Ciao!_

_Raoul_

Naruto folded the letter and put it into his pocket. He was left with the task he'd been dreading. Getting his unsuspecting friends' bra sizes. (TEH HORROR!)

"Um…I know you'll probably think this is weird, but I need you to…Um…Take off your shirts." Naruto announced.

"Why?" Sasuke asked, trying on a short black skirt.

Naruto held up a tape measure in his left hand and a bra in the right. An awkward silence filled the store. Gaara stepped up first. Her indifference felt insulting to Neji and Sasuke. Naruto clenched his teeth and watched the redhead remove her shirt, hoping he wouldn't pass out. He'd die of sheer embarrassment if that happened. Pale moon-white orbs awaited his measurement. Even though he was being trained by Jiraiya, who was currently off somewhere in the Wave country for 'research', he didn't have much experience with women, clothed or otherwise. Gaara waited patiently for it to be over with and just when Naruto thought he was in the clear, Gaara asked something so unexpected that it almost sent him reeling.

"What's an 'ass master'?" This, said in a monotone voice, utterly stunned our protagonist.

"It's well…Uh…Where'd you hear that?"

'_TOPIC CHANGE NOW.'_

'_**No kit, I kinda like this one.'**_

"The book I was reading. What is it?"

"It's getting kinda late, I better hurry up and finish the others." Naruto walked away briskly to measure Neji.

After the measurement hell, Naruto heard Gaara again, this time with a different question.

"I tried something on. What do you think of it?"

Gaara emerged from the changing booth so Naruto could judge her selection. Naruto restrained screaming out 'Oh my god!'. If he didn't have the amazing self-control he'd managed to hone over the last couple years, blood would be spurting fountain-like out his nose and he'd be harder than a rock. It was a black bikini style set whose company that created it seemed to be extremely concerned about the over-consumption of whatever materials made it, due to the fact that it covered _nothing._ The top just barely covered her nipples and the bottom showed enough for Naruto to discover that Gaara was a natural redhead.

"It's too small." Was all he managed after a pregnant silence.

Now Gaara was confused. The tag said that it was the right size. Naruto wondered if the three were deliberately trying to fluster him when Sasuke came out in a black babydoll nightgown, Neji in a matching white version. Naruto thought up the best excuse he could to stop them before he did something he would regret.

"The store will close soon, hurry up and make your decisions."

Neji looked at the clock that read just after seven. "A right light district shop closes this early?" she was skeptical.

"I promise I'll give you a full beauty treatment tomorrow if you make your decisions _now!_"

Spending even more time with Naruto sounded absolutely excellent to his fellow Konohans, so they stopped their lingerie parade and made their final selections. Raoul fell through the ceiling and landed with a thud on the floor behind the counter. She wheezed and dusted herself off before ringing up the customers. Naruto didn't realize it, but she was saying a few things to each of them.

"So that's where you were hiding…" Naruto muttered, more concerned of knowing where to look the next time she pulled a stunt like this.

"Naru thinks you have sexy hair." She whispered to Neji, who almost beamed.

How she loved her hair so. It was, in her opinion, her best feature. This was because she took obsessively good care of it.

To Sasuke, Raoul said, "Come back tomorrow. I'll have something special for you."

And to Gaara, "That's a good book, isn't it? I recommend you try what happens in chapter eighteen with Naru-tan." (That does become somewhat significant later…)

As the three parted ways, she pulled Naruto aside. "I'm disappointed it you, Naru. You had a perfectly good shot at each of them. I'll tell them what you dream about if you don't make a move soon."

"And I'll tell Stephen you were hitting on me again." Naruto parried.

"You wouldn't dare say that to the one I truly love, would you?" Raoul gave her best puppy eyes.

"Wanna bet?" Naruto held the trump card in the situation and he knew it.

"Are you sure you don't want any pointers? Or whatever else you need? You know I've got it."

"I already get more than enough 'pointers' from Ero-sennin and Kakashi-sensei."

"How about when they turn back into guys? I can score you free lube! You never know when you'll need a good bottle of- "

"Lalalalalala! I can't hear you!" Naruto covered his ears, trying to block out the sound. He didn't really need to be further mentally scarred for life.  
" –I keep mine alphabetized- "

"Thank you Raoul, I'm going home now!" Naruto ran out the door before Raoul could go into the matter of his alphabetized lube collection.

"Bye!" Raoul shouted after him. Naruto was a closet pervert, but he was _so _easy to tease.

When the blonde made it home, he was ready to collapse. He peeked out the peephole to make sure Raoul wasn't there waving a bottle of lube around or doing something equally embarrassing. When he verified that Raoul had not followed him he flopped down on his bed. His stomach growled, but he didn't feel like getting up to fix anything.

And of course, Gaara had something to ask him.

"You never told me what an 'ass master' was."

0o0

Huzzah! Congrats on making it to the end of the longest chapter written by YamiTenshi ever! 26 pages, over _six thousand words,_ and nearly thirty nine thousand characters (with spaces) and that's not including the pre and post notes. Yosh, I'm thinking about doing a… :Shudders: SasuNaru, so I'd like to get some yays or nays on that. If you want slightly more information, check my bio and let me know what you think!


	3. Just Another Day

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Hello people. I got quite a good response on the last chapter, so here's the next one! What I didn't get a so-good response on was Minna Nyan! Nyan!'s SasuNaru pairing. Well, let's just say I made a few adjustments and that the first two chapters are up now for your viewing pleasure…AND PLEASE COMMENT ON ANYTHING OF MINE YOU READ!

Neji: You really think I look like a girl even when I wasn't one?

Tenshi: Yes. Why is that bothering you still? That was two chapters ago. Continue living as normal.

Neji: …I hate you! (runs away to cry in the corner)

Chi: How random.

0o0

Ch.3 Just Another Day

0o0

Yesterday had been an extremely trying day in itself and it wasn't helped with the fact that Gaara continued to badger Naruto about what an 'ass master' was well into the night. But so far, the morning was so comparatively peaceful, thus he was satisfied. No psychotic women, no overly sexy friends wearing things that practically screamed 'please rape me now', and it was a lovely day. But if chapter one is anything to go by, lovely days are _bad news._ He drummed his fingers on the kitchen table, briefly disrupting the silence of the apartment. Gaara had finished one of the books during the night and had started a new one titled 'Steamy Nights in Suna'. (I thought I was never going to get to use that!) The book happened to star a misunderstood redhead and the blonde boy that forever changed him, so Gaara was somewhat suspicious of what the writer was hinting at. After all, how many redheads were there in Suna? It seemed ridiculous; this person couldn't really be subtly saying she should be romantically involved with Naruto, were they? She scowled at the book, but kept on reading.

"So…Gaara-kun, you like that book?" Naruto asked, eating a breakfast of toast and a fried egg.

"It's quite well written." Was all she said, turning a page.

So Gaara was content with the porn novels, Naruto didn't have to run any laps, and there wasn't a naked person in sight. Correction, the local crazy just thought it'd be fun to streak through Konoha, and Naruto spying her through the window accidentally, repressed the memory in his head and prayed it would never resurface. There are just some things that shouldn't be seen. He got up from the table and bid Gaara a good-bye, which was ignored. She just kept reading that damn book. Naruto sincerely hoped she wouldn't end up like Kakashi. He furrowed his brow at the thought of Gaara murdering countless innocents whilst reading some Icha Icha book. It wasn't until he was at the training grounds that he remembered his impromptu promise that he'd made the previous day.

And then the outlook of the day took a nosedive into the shit pool.

He wasn't sure he could handle having them in his apartment. There was the possibility of a…Sexy overload. Naruto was disappointed that he wasn't able to see any of the lovely outfits he helped choose in action, due to the fact that they were wearing their normal clothes. Neji had been tempted to don one, but took into consideration that she'd be training and didn't want to ruin her new clothes. Sasuke on the other hand, just wasn't up to the mental challenge that wearing a skirt in public provided. It was a big step psychologically when a man, whether that man happened to currently be a man or not, put on anything that didn't have a crotch. But the breeze was nice.

No fear, they weren't about to let Naruto's hard handiwork go to waste. He'd see soon. Poor Naruto had no idea what was coming his way. They were bringing sexy back, no matter what. They would make him theirs.

Naruto was paired with Sasuke again, much to his chagrin. He'd been hoping that he could avoid both the Uchiha and Hyuuga as long as he could. He didn't want to deal with either of them right now.

"Hey dobe, what's up with you?" Sasuke noticed Naruto's distressed look.

"It's nothing, teme. Ready for me to kick your butt again?" Naruto quickly changed his expression to that of a confidant grin.

"Not going to happen." Through Naruto's fighting spirit, Sasuke could see that the blonde was putting up a front. He seemed nervous, more fidgety than usual.

Even once their fight had started, it seemed like he wasn't giving his all. His movements were sluggish, he was constantly distracted, and he wasn't putting up much of a guard. An uppercut from Sasuke sent Naruto into the air and he landed some twenty yards away face-up in the dirt. She was atop him in a flash, knees digging into his ribs.

"What the hell, dobe? I want you to fight me without holding back, like yesterday. What's changed from then?"

Naruto's breath was trapped in his chest and his heart thudded manically. Male or female, Sasuke was undeniably sexy either way. An onyx tendril of hail brushed against the corner of his lips. Sasuke was here, yelling at him, furious and beautiful.

"My, my. What do we have here?" The pair looked to the source of the voice.

An amused Kakashi viewed the scene with her single, uncovered eye. She hadn't been expecting to find her students in such a compromising position. But she was proud. Kakashi had been wondering how long it would take for her traits to rub off on her pupils. Of course she expected Sasuke to be an aggressor; the Uchiha had no problem being forceful if he wanted something. She'd also had her bets on Naruto topping, simply because he'd bitch about being bottom. 'Twas the Naruto way.

"This idiot is holding back on our fight!" Sasuke ground her knees deeper into Naruto's ribs.

"Actually, I was looking for him. Hope you don't mind Sasuke, I'm borrowing him for a moment."

Sasuke did mind, but didn't say anything to stop Naruto from leaving. She simply got off Naruto, who bolted towards their instructor. If he could be away from Sasuke even just for a little bit, he'd be relieved. Kakashi led Naruto away, deep into the forest so no one could hear them. Sasuke followed the two at distance, curious as to know what Kakashi wished to talk about. She strained to hear them speak.

"So Naruto, how've your boy troubles been? Are they better now that they're girl troubles?" Kakashi asked, stealing a glance at him out of the corner of her eye.

Naruto shook his head vigorously. "They're even worse. Psychotic women…Everywhere…" he shivered visibly and temporarily developed a twitch. "I liked boy troubles a whole lot better."

"By the unnatural twitch and the state of edginess you seemed to be in when I found you with Sasuke, I'm guessing something happened between you two yesterday."

"Not just Sasuke-teme, Neji and Gaara-kun too!"

"So it's happening." Kakashi gave a masked smile.

"What is?" Naruto asked.

"Our little Naruto is turning into a real man." Kakashi pinched his cheek, receiving a swat at her hand from Naruto in return.

Naruto had made an enormous amount of progress ever since she began teaching him. It was almost surprising, in fact. Naruto was incredibly determined, trying the hardest of any of the members of Cell Nine, trying to keep up with the others when he was actually ahead. Sasuke was somewhat of a disappointment in her sloppiness. So much for being an elite ninja. Slowly though, she was starting to make up for her past mistakes. Sakura was bright and all, but she needed to get over her bizarre obsession with all things Sasuke. Actually, in the beginning she was pretty much useless. She shaped up despite the fact that she still freakishly adored the Uchiha. It probably had to do with Tsunade's training.

"You'll have to go the final step if you want to reach true manhood. Tell me this, are you _aroused_ when you're with any of your crushes?"

"Y-yeah…" Naruto blushed.

He was glad that he had someone to talk to about things like this. He couldn't ask Jiraiya because he would spout out some random perverted statement that left Naruto having wet dreams for a week. He knew this from experience. And he was very glad at times like this that he lived alone. So he avoided the sannin about personal questions. He didn't ask Iruka because…Well, it felt too embarrassing to admit what he'd been thinking. Iruka was like a dad to him, but he didn't know how he would react to it. Even though Iruka promised to be there for Naruto if he ever needed anything, he just could never find it in himself to ask him about what he should do. So he decided to talk to Kakashi. Who gave him the birds and bees talk? Kakashi. Who told him how to get semen stains off his sheets? Kakashi. Who knew the darker, more perverted side of Naruto? Well, Raoul. And Kakashi. And about half of the red light district.

Kakashi stopped walking, Naruto halting as well. She turned to him and lifted Naruto's chin to whisper, "Dirty boy…" into his ear. "How about when you're with me? Just to warn you though, I'm extremely kinky." She winked, although it could've been a blink for all Naruto knew.

"R-really?" Naruto tried to edge away.

"And I happen to know about your little fetishes…" Kakashi purred.

She tugged on the corner of her mask. "Don't you wanna see what's under it? I know you do. And it won't be another mask this time."

Kakashi was being quite the temptress. She knew it bugged Naruto that he'd never seen her entire face. He'd asked time and time again to see it, trying any way he could. He bought her dinner, let her perform the dreaded 'One thousand years of pain' upon him twenty times _in a row_, and even stole a copy of Jiraiya's latest manuscript, but she just wouldn't show him.

Sasuke could clearly see what was going on and couldn't stand it any longer. Kakashi easily used a kunai to deflect the three shuriken hurled at her, without even looking away.

"Eh?" Naruto tried to spy who had attacked them.

"It seems that we've been interrupted. We can continue this later though." Kakashi winked once more and meandered off.

Sasuke calmed herself and beat Naruto back to where they'd been sparring. He could never know that it was her who butted in on their conversation. Naruto would never forgive her. This meant if she wanted to be forgiven, she would have to be exceptionally nice to him and not only would that creep him out, it would ruin her icy reputation.

"Did that pervert try anything with you?" she asked like she was only casually interested.

"I think you know what happened." Naruto replied coolly.

"What makes you so sure I'd know?"

Naruto pulled a few stray leaves from Sasuke's hair and showed them to her. So he did know it was her. Damn. She began weighing which was more important to her; Naruto not hating her or her dignity?

"Why do you look so mad?" she asked.

"She was going to show me her face before a certain person interrupted us."

"She was going to do a lot more than that. What was it you were talking about anyway?"

"Like you don't know." Naruto seemed to be sulking. He couldn't believe Sasuke had heard all that. And she didn't have to be such a jerk by pretending she didn't. It was pretty much the end of the world for him.

"I don't, so that's why I'm asking you."  
"You honestly didn't hear anything?" The situation was looking up.

"No, dobe. I didn't."

Naruto was relieved to hear this and relaxed. Due to the fact that Naruto wouldn't say anything else, Sasuke wanted to know more than ever. What secret did he have that he could tell to, of all people, Kakashi but not her? She was determined to find out. Naruto was an extremely secretive person, causing no end of annoyance to Sasuke when she wanted to know more about him. Lately though, she'd been finding out exactly what kind of secret he'd been keeping and she couldn't always trust her own eyes and ears. She'd had her suspicions about a secret life almost confirmed once a year or two ago. Sasuke happened to notice Naruto going into the red light district and he denied anything Sasuke insinuated. He told her to, and we quote, "Fuck off, emo bastard." Why? What would make a sweet twelve year old tell his best friend to fuck off? You simply just don't get between Naruto and his most favorite place in the world.

"What is it, some kind of secret?"  
"Yup."  
"Do I have to force it out of you?"  
"No matter what you do, I'll never tell."

Sasuke would take pleasure in doing anything to make him talk. Anything happened to encompass a lot. And a lot of options for Sasuke was good. She was going to find out just what Naruto's breaking point was.

"Would you tell Gaara?" Sasuke frowned bitterly at the mere thought of the Suna nin.

"What does Gaara-kun have to do with any of this?"

"How about Iruka?" Sasuke _wanted_ to know. She _wanted_ to know every little thing about Naruto, what made him tick, his thoughts, absolutely _everything._

"How about you stop bothering me?" Naruto was getting defensive now. Did that mean Iruka did know?

"Not unless you tell me."

"Why do you care so much?"

"I don't care, I just want to know." Sasuke shrugged, like the curiosity wasn't gnawing away at him on the inside.

Naruto stormed away, aura dark.

"Oi, usaratonkachi! Where're you going?" Naruto didn't spare her a look back.

"Home!" Naruto couldn't understand where Sasuke got that annoying nerve. She just kept asking too many questions. Right now, he needed someone who wouldn't act weird, wouldn't ask those troublesome questions, would just listen. Right now he needed Gaara.

Unsurprisingly, she hadn't left Naruto's apartment. She was sitting on the bed, reading her porn book. She noticed his presence but didn't acknowledge it until she finished the paragraph she was on.  
"You're back early." She observed.

Naruto huffed and sat down beside Gaara with a sigh of frustration.

"The Uchiha?" she guessed. It seemed like lots of Naruto's stress was derived from Sasuke.

"Too many questions. And then Kakashi-sensei started hitting on me…"

"Are you injured?" Gaara may be a cold, calculating killer, but she had her occasional not-so-bright moment.

"No, no. She was flirting with me." Again, a blank look from Gaara.

How could he put it in a way an emotionally retarded person like Gaara would understand?

"She was displaying physical interest in me."

"Ah."  
Bingo. It finally got through.

"You know what Gaara-kun?"

Gaara waited for an answer. She hated rhetorical questions; there was no point in them.

"You're a really good friend. I wish more people were like you."

Gaara raised a non-existent eyebrow. He wished there were more murderous redheaded psychopaths with fat tanuki demons in them? How odd. But then again, Naruto was an odd person. Her thoughts seemed to be read by the blonde.

"Ur, not like that. The way you're good at listening sometimes."

Gaara didn't exactly want to listen, she was more forced to, but she learned plenty about Uzumaki this way. Shukaku wanted to exploit his weaknesses; Gaara wanted the blonde to just leave him alone for five minutes. Was it too much to ask? Apparently it was, because when she went back to her book, she was interrupted again.

"I think you just need a hug."  
"I don't want a hug."

Naruto crouched down and lunged towards Gaara, arms spread and a goofy grin across his lips. He crashed face-first into a wall of sand and slumped back onto the bed.

"No hugging."

"You let me hug you the other day…" Naruto's voice was muffled by the covers.

"That was once."  
"But still…" Naruto lifted his head. "You're such a weirdo Gaara-kun. But that's one of the things I like about you."

Did he just say that out loud? Oh well. He couldn't take back what was already said. Gaara looked at Naruto, as if seeing him for the first time.

"You like me? Even though I tried to kill you and your friends?"

"Yeah…" Naruto blushed lightly. Gaara didn't understand how deeply Naruto liked her, but hearing it was still strange.

"You're the one who's bizarre. But you like everyone. So it doesn't mean anything if you say you like me."

Naruto was slightly hurt. "I can't help it. Maybe the reason I can so easily give my heart away to others is because I've never had someone to give it to."

"Doesn't it pain you when you're rejected though?" Gaara asked, marking her page by folding the corner.

Gaara knew this was further proof that she and Naruto were opposites. Naruto wanted to accept the hurt of being human; she just shielded herself from everyone.

"Yes…And I don't like being hurt like that. But I don't want to be alone either."

He buried his face back into the covers. Naruto had been through a lot of days when all he wanted to do was break down and cry for countless hours. Right now, this was one of those days when he was dangerously close to actually doing so. Gaara knew that a friend should offer some sort of comfort at a time like this and even though Naruto shuddered with silent tears, she didn't really know what to do. Friendship was another one of those new things she had yet to get used to.

"One."

"Huh?"  
"That's all you get. One hug."

Naruto wiped his eyes on his jacket sleeve and checked to see if Gaara was telling the truth, actually okay with this. Gaara waited, wishing the blonde would hurry up and get it over with already. Naruto embraced Gaara, feeling the girl flinch at his touch. He only got one shot, so he made sure that it'd count.

Naruto nuzzled his face into Gaara's neck, feeling the rough texture of the sand armor. He wondered why Gaara kept her heart encased in a cold shell, hating contact and people in general. Was Gaara afraid of getting hurt too? She sat there numbly, feeling nothing.

"Hug me back." Naruto whispered, hoping he could get through to Gaara, break into some emotion the redhead had hidden away.

She didn't really want to but did as Naruto wished, handling him gently, like he was a glass egg.

"Tighter. I want to know you're there. I want to feel you."

Gaara nervously tightened her grip. She wondered if she would crush him without knowing, destroying him like everything else that ever became important to her. She could feel his heart beat in his chest, thudding out its steady life rhythm. Gaara no longer felt neutral. She didn't exactly know what she felt. They stayed like that until Naruto remembered he had things to do.

"Could you help me with something?"

I0I0I0I0

Neji looked her love rival up and down, growling internally. Sasuke was wearing a knee-length black skirt and a freshly laundered white button-down shirt with sleeves long enough to hide the long scratch Naruto had dealt her the day previous. To complete the look, she'd slipped into a pair of black high heels. She looked too pretty for her own good. Neji would have to 'accidentally' spill something on her later…

Sasuke wondered if she could kill Hyuuga and hide the body without Naruto hearing the commotion. Neji flaunted a lavender polo that matched her eyes, tan capris, and a pair of rather plain sandals. On her wrist, a tennis bracelet she'd had even before the gender-swap. Don't ask. They continued to glare at each other until hearing words from inside Naruto's apartment.

"Watch your teeth, Gaara-kun."

The pair almost did a double take at the door.

"That's it…" A delighted moan reached their ears.

"Tastes better than I expected." They heard Gaara say.

"Want more?"

Neji couldn't take this any longer. Another few seconds and she just might lose it. She went for the door's handle and regretted it. Her entire arm felt like it was in flames and she jerked her hand back sharply. Sasuke saw the glowing symbol of the ward atop Naruto's doorframe. Who knew Naruto could do such advanced jutsu?

"Dobe, undo the ward!" she yelled at him.

There was a pause of no more than three seconds and the sign faded back into the wood. They opened the door to an…Unexpected scene, to say the least. Naruto was squatting atop his table, balancing on the balls of his feet, hand feeding a muffin to Gaara.

"These're really good. Gaara-kun assisted me in making them."

Now that was something they would never, as long as they lived, comprehend. Gaara eating muffins? Absurd. Gaara baking muffins like the goddamn muffin man? So incredibly heinous and outlandish that it cannot be put into words.

"You two look good, by the way." Naruto said as Gaara took another bite of the muffin.

Naruto gave Gaara the half eaten muffin and got off the table. He brushed the crumbs off his plain white tee shirt and tugged up his grey sweatpants. (Yes, the same sweatpants from last chapter.)

"Here's how we'll do it. We'll get the finishing touches like the hair and nails out of the way near the end. Right now we'll start off with a simple foot massage." Naruto said very professionally.

Sasuke volunteered first, leering at the Hyuuga the first chance Naruto turned away and sat on Naruto's bed. As Naruto got his items together, Sasuke slowly crossed and uncrossed her legs, daring the blonde to sneak a peek up the skirt. She soon forgot about that as she watched him work. He'd put a few bobby pins in his floppy hair, to keep it out of his eyes while he labored. He squeezed a generous amount of invigorating lotion into his hands.

Naruto didn't try to move too quickly, his motions slow and methodical. Starting at the top of her foot, he made circular motions with his thumbs, moving on to the balls of the feet, pressing in then releasing. He traveled to the heels, using his knuckles in a rolling motion. Next were the calves. Naruto began at the ankles and with four fingers, moved upward towards the heart. Sasuke almost worried Naruto would spy her present before it was time, but he came back down in a flowing motion.

She had to admit, he knew what he was doing. And suddenly it was Neji's turn. She wanted to rip that bitch apart on the spot as she got the same treatment. Neji giggled when Naruto hit a sensitive spot and he looked up, surprised.

"You're ticklish?"  
"You sound like I shouldn't be."

"It's just that…With the way you act…"

Sasuke dug her nails into her palms, leaving crescent moon shaped marks. She was _so_ going to kill Neji later. She glanced at Gaara, who continued to eat the muffins casually and grabbed the one she was holding. She crammed it into her mouth and chewed furiously, drowning her sorrows with food. Gaara was angered at the loss of her muffin, but made no moves to completely destroy the one who had committed this unspeakable offense. If you steal something from Gaara, chances are you won't be alive much longer.

She merely got another from the pan and stared angrily at Sasuke, daring her to try it again. If she did there'd be a big, bloody mess to clean up, Naruto would kick her out, and she'd have to ask that drunk of a Hokage for a place to stay. Gaara found it very hard to stay civil with someone who spent the taxpayers' dollars on booze and gambling.

"…So…You like those muffins, Sasuke?" Naruto asked.

Sasuke swallowed, cleaned her mouth out with her tongue the best she could so she could say, "Shut up dobe. What makes you think that?"

"Well, that's the fourth one I've seen you eat. For someone so skinny, you can really put it away." He noted half to himself.

"Shut up!" Sasuke flung a carrot-cranberry muffin at Naruto, aiming directly for his face.

A thin wave of sand caught it before it struck the blonde and Gaara coaxed it back to his hands.

"Don't waste food needlessly."

"Gaara-kun, how many of those have you eaten?" Naruto asked.

Gaara shrugged and took a bite into the muffin she'd caught. Naruto did the math in his head. They started out with twenty-four muffins, Sasuke had eaten four, and there were maybe five left, including the one Gaara was devouring now. Which meant…

"Gaara-kun, maybe you should stop. You're on your sixteenth muffin."

Gaara gave Naruto a look that said 'it's my body and I'll do what I want with it'. Naruto let the matter drop.

"So now that that's out of the way, shall we get started with the hair?"

Sasuke was a little disappointed that the massages didn't continue, but she flipped her hair and gave a sly grin before Naruto took her by the hand and guided her to the sink.

"Am I going to get wet, dobe?"

"I can get a towel— "

Sasuke took off her shirt and tossed it aside, not caring to watch as it fluttered to the floor.

"This will work." She said.

An attractively lace-rimmed black bra cupped her breasts, keeping them in line. Naruto bit his lip and tried fight a nosebleed.

"I'm sorry if this will be uncomfortable for you, I don't have a proper chair and sink."

"It's okay, dobe." Sasuke gave that grin again, which worried Naruto somewhat.

His uncertainties melted away as he began the process of thoroughly washing Sasuke's dark hair. He used a pleasant smelling shampoo and Sasuke felt her back ache as it was pushed into the counter, but she was just glad to be here. His styling was as disciplined as his masseuse skills and though it took nearly an hour of total time, Sasuke found her hair to be light and it floated around her face.

"A hime cut for teme-hime." Naruto declared when he was finished.

For the unaware, a hime cut consists of cheek-length side bangs and frontal fringe, while the rest is straight. (Think Yûko Ichihara) He moved on to Neji, who was disappointed Naruto did nothing style wise for her.

"But your hair is so pretty down!" Naruto protested when she complained.

Which satisfied her enough.

To create the final touch, he went into his closet and brought out a surplus of different hues of nail polishes. Upon the odd looks he received, Naruto said, "I need a lot of colors."

For Sasuke he painted her fingernails jet black with white lotus blossoms on them, paying painstaking attention to detail. Neji's nails became detailed with a french manicure.

"Wow, this looks almost as good when I- " Neji shut her mouth quickly.

"…Not gonna ask." Naruto left this matter untouched as well.

Sasuke scoffed at the Hyuuga. '_She wouldn't be so pretty when she-Is Naruto staring at me?'_

"Sasuke, could you put your shirt back on?"

'_Oh.'_

A shrieking whistle brought everyone to attention.

"It seems the tea is done." Gaara said, having finished the muffins and picked up her book instead.

"Um-just sit while I get this!" Naruto pulled the kettle off the burner, set it on another one, got a bowl of fruit from the fridge, slammed it down on the table, and went to scrounge for something to pour the tea in for his guests. Sasuke moved as quick as Naruto had, once the boy turned his back, she plucked a blueberry from the bowl and ground it into Neji's shirt. The brunette gave a squeak of horror, knowing the stain would never come out. Naruto glanced back and saw the dark purple mark.

"How'd that-You can use my bathroom to try and wash that out, if you want." Naruto said as he poured the tea.

Neji bowed her head gratefully and did so. Naruto set a cup down for each one of them and tried to drum up some small talk while they waited for Neji to get back.

"…You never put your shirt back on." Naruto pointed out, thinking maybe Sasuke had forgotten.

"Maybe I don't want to put it back on." She gave that slow, sexy smile of hers and stood up.

"Um…What are you do- " Naruto ended this with a yelp of surprise as the topless kunoichi straddled him on the chair he was sitting in.

She casually rested her arms around his neck, like they belonged there and just kept smiling. Naruto tried to decide what to do about this problem. Sasuke was just trying to fluster him, probably.

"Teme, you're kinda weirding me out here…"

Sasuke leaned down to his ear and whispered, "I'm not wearing any panties…"  
She waited for a response and she most certainly got it. Naruto turned fire truck red and began stuttering out of control. Sasuke rolled her eyes as if to say that Naruto was such a little fool. She gazed upon her prize with obvious interest and gave the smile again. In a flurry of passion, she smashed her lips against his. All her pent up sexual frustrations exploded in this lip-lock and she wasn't going to take no for an answer. She nibbled his bottom lip asking, no _demanding_ entrance to his mouth. He refused, but she wasn't going to stop there. She forced her tongue in, shocking Naruto further. He wanted to push her away, but his arms just seemed to flail uselessly in the air. He wanted her to stop…Didn't he?

The wet heat of arousal made its presence known to Sasuke and she broke the kiss when her brain started to reel from the oxygen depravation.

"Don't you want this dobe?" she guided his hand to her nether regions and he flinched at the warmth. "Don't you want me?"

"Stop it…" Naruto said weakly.

"No. You know how long I've watched you from afar? How long I wanted to do this to you?"

Naruto shook his head. Sasuke had gone crazy like the other girls. Why was this happening to him?  
Sasuke kissed him again, tugging on the shirt that separated them. Naruto had dreamed about similar events before, but it wasn't like _this._ He kinda…Liked it.

"Kami dobe, you don't know how good you taste!" Sasuke's voice had become low and somewhat husky.

"What do you think you're doing?" Gaara asked, finally looking up from her book to see the scene that was going on just across the table.

Naruto snapped out of his reverie and pushed Sasuke off himself.

"You pervert! Get out of here!" he shouted forcefully, pointing at the door.

Sasuke scowled and left as he commanded. She shut the apartment door and almost screamed in fury. She had been _this_ close to making Naruto hers and then Gaara had to go screw it up for her. That girl would pay dearly for this…

Naruto's neighbors ignored the pretty girl as she went out of the apartment complex, chuckling darkly.

"Naruto, are you alright?" Neji, who'd seen the entire thing, asked.

Naruto sighed. "I'm sorry, but could you leave too? This isn't a good time for me."

She nodded in understanding and gave him a small kiss on the cheek before fleeing out the door, completely flustered. It was pathetic, Sasuke basically sucked Naruto's tonsils out and all she could do was a friendly peck that wasn't even on the lips. She needed to practice.

Gaara sipped her tea calmly as Naruto looked up at the sky hidden by the ceiling and sighed again.

"…Why me?"

I0I0I0I

He planted his sandal firmly in the ground of Konoha. The number one bestselling author and self-proclaimed mega-perv was back! He'd come as soon as he heard the news about the gender-swap. He flung his arms wide open and cried out,

"Women of Konoha, here is your man! I, the Great Jiraiya, have come to help you in all your womanly urges!"

He was trampled by a gaggle of ladies waving 'We love Naruto' signs.

0o0

Thank you Sony Boy for letting me use your very hilarious quote and I also thank the readers for reading and the commenters for commenting and I thank everyone who even mentioned 'Oh, you should have Jiraiya come here' in passing. Yes, starting next chapter, the no.1 super-perv will be officially joining the cast. May you wait with bated breath for the next chapter, but I should probably update Onegai Teishu before the readers murder me, so why not check out Minna Nyan! Nyan! while you're waiting? Ja for now!


	4. Preface to Party

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Yo. Hey peoples. My birthday slash third authoress anniversary have come and gone. Where are my presents?

0o0

Ch.4 Preface to Party

0o0

Sasuke brushed her hair carefully, easing out any small tangles that had occurred during her slumber. Just touching it reminded her of Naruto. She'd been so close to claiming the oh-so-delectable boy and it had all been spoiled by Sabaku no Gaara. She wouldn't be able to snap her scrawny little neck, not with the sand in the way, plus it would irritate Naruto. She could use the Chidori to get past the sand, but Naruto would still be mad. She could probably fix that with lots and lots of sex. Naruto would always stay with her once he got a taste of the cat. _**Meow**_.

I0I0I0I0I

Neji performed her daily beauty regiment. Sasuke was such a slut. She threw herself all over Naruto like there was no tomorrow. God, did she really have no dignity left at all? Naruto deserved something better than that chap hussy, he deserved a classy lady. Such as herself. It was a shame that Hinata would cry when he was officially Neji's lover. But life would move on. It was time for the branch to finally get something she really wanted.

I0I0I0I0I

Sasuke and Neji were early to the training grounds. They both wanted to be the first person to greet the blonde that morning. Each had plotted what they believed to be the most effective strategy to seduce the blonde. As Naruto made his way to practice, a chill made its way up his back. It was going to be another one of _those_ days.

He girded his loins and continued on, despite the potential danger he was putting himself in. When his destination was reached, he was relieved to see no Sasuke, just Neji. Naruto thanked god because he wasn't sure if he could deal with that over-sexed lunatic today. Neji brightened upon seeing him and gave a smile that made Naruto freeze. Neji could smile? That was almost like having Gaara smile in a non-homicidal way!

"Good morning Naruto." She said, dipping her head respectively.

"Morning Neji." Naruto smiled back at the brunette.

A black blur leapt out of nowhere and attached itself quite firmly to Naruto's lips. Naruto stumbled back a few steps in both shock and the sudden adjustment to the weight his legs were now supporting, taking one Uchiha Sasuke with him.

"Morning… Dobe…" she managed in-between kisses.

She sucked on his neck aggressively, aiming to leave a mark. Naruto uttered a choked squeak as she slipped a hand beneath his shirt. As soon as it started to travel south, he was jolted into remembering that he should be pushing her away. What was it with Sasuke half-molesting him nowadays? It was unbelievably off-putting. If this kept up, he just might give in.

"You're a pervert Sasuke! I hate you!"

Naruto fled the scene, stopping only long enough to greet Sakura briefly. Sakura ignored this odd behavior. She was used to him running around like a maniac, so it technically couldn't be called strange of him to do. When she saw the fresh new hime cut that framed Sasuke's pale face, she swooned. Whoever had done her hair was a genius, plus it just made Sasuke hotter in her little fangirl opinion because she über loved him for some reason. Not all of us cannot account for her tastes.

"Who did your hair?"

Without missing a beat, the girl replied, "Naruto did."

There was a momentary silence before Sakura burst out laughing. "That was a good one. Now, seriously, who did it?"

"I already told you, Naru-dobe did it." She internally smirked at the new nickname for her pet.

"…Really?" Sasuke nodded in response. "Since when has that idiot known anything about hair?"

"That's what I said."

Sasuke wanted to follow Naruto, but that wouldn't go over too well with the blonde. She let him be. The previously mentioned blonde was too busy running away to see the person in front of him. He collided and muttered a quick apology to them. He didn't have time to waste. A horny Sasuke could be hot on his trail and there was nothing to do but put distance between them. His virginity was at stake here. Upon thinking this, he realized that this could be a good opportunity and contemplated going back.

"Got a hot date or something?" the person he had crashed into queried.

Naruto looked up and grinned. "Or something."

"So why are you running?" the still-male Jiraiya asked as he accepted the hug Naruto gave him.

"Sasuke's a pervert and she keeps trying to make out with me." He conveniently failed to mention that Sasuke had practically tried to rape him because Jiraiya would find that hilarious.

"Why not let her?"

"Because— "

"I thought you liked her."

"I do, but— "

"But what? I can't have my protégé turning down women who fling themselves at his feet. You should savor all this sweet love while it lasts. If a girl wants to make out, then you should pucker up. If, Kami willing, she asks you to sleep with her, then you should. It's not hurting anyone." Jiraiya nodded at his so-called sage advice.

"But she's acting like a selfish whore!" Naruto burst out, finally getting his own word in. "She did ask me to sleep with her, but I couldn't! It's not… Not how she is…"

"You like the asshole iciness better?" Jiraiya raised a surprised eyebrow.

"Sasuke was my best friend, but now she's been weird since all this started…"

"How so?" Jiraiya queried, whipping out a pencil and notepad.

"No! You're not going to turn me into a story! I am not your goddamn muse!" Naruto stomped away, his whole body tense with anger.

Jiraiya supposed this was a bad time to mention 'Steamy Nights in Suna', but he did it regardless of that. How could he not tell Naruto that he was the star of one of his masterpieces?

"What?" Naruto shrieked. Hadn't that been the last book Gaara was reading?

"Yeah, I put you and that psycho redhead in a book. Did I do something wrong?" Jiraiya pouted like a kicked puppy, wishing he'd've gotten a better response. (Don't question my word choice. As far as I'm concerned, he'd've is still a word.)

"You put _me_ and _Gaara_ in a _porno __**together**_! Yes, you did something wrong!" Naruto couldn't believe the gall of the older man.

"Would you have preferred that it had been someone else?"

"No--I don't know, you pervy bastard!"

"Oh hoh, I had a feeling you fancied Gaara." Jiraiya gave a lewd smirk.

"He's just my friend! Er, I mean she!"

"But you luurve her." Teasing Naruto was Jiraiya's third favorite hobby, right after writing his books and spying on the women's baths.

"I love all my friends! They're precious to me!"  
"Yes, you _love_ them. You love them long time."

"Is sex the only thing you think about?"

Naruto voiced his frustration with a scream to the sky. Storming back to his apartment, his head was full of angry thoughts. Stupid Jiraiya with his perverted mind. And then there was those damnable books. How was he supposed to face Gaara know that the redhead had probably finished the book? Jiraiya, who was following behind closely, was making a conscious effort to apologize in his own way, which consisted of him claiming he'd make it Sasuke next time.

"There's not going to be a – "

Naruto did a double take as he opened his apartment door. A mammoth pile of Jiraiya-written books towered haphazardly by the bed. They teetered precariously as Naruto approached the culprit. After what he had just been through, he didn't need this atop it all. Those obscene books were nothing but a troublesome eyesore.

"Gaara, what the hell is this?" he demanded.

"Your sensei gave me these books. She said she was going to buy some new ones."

"How many are there?" Naruto could only speculate. The pile was ridiculously huge.

"A couple hundred, I suppose."

By this time, Jiraiya had finally caught up and quickly took notice of the book surplus. "Wow. And here I thought you hated my books."

"They're Gaara's." Naruto made a point to correct him.

Jiraiya wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and patted her on the shoulder appreciatively. "Bless you, child."

"You wrote these books, correct?"  
"Yes. Is there anything you'd like to ask me?"

"Several things actually…"

Naruto was in a real Gordian's knot. Should he stay here to listen Jiraiya and Gaara gloss over the finer (yeah right) points of porn? Or did he dare risk another Sasuke molestation? On one hand, he didn't want to hear about porn, on the other, he also didn't want to feel like he was a hapless character in one of the books his roommate seemed to have grown to enjoy. The decision was easier to make that he had originally thought. Immediately after Jiraiya had begun explaining the purpose of a cock ring, he figured he could at least beat Sasuke off with a stick if push came to shove. He walked out the door and with that simple motion, he had crossed the Rubicon.

I0I0I0I0I

Jiraiya was intently describing his next masterpiece when Gaara decided to pop the question that had been bothering her all day. Instead of just tormenting herself with it, why not ask the creator? She wanted a concrete answer once and for all. She figured it was best to be blunt.

"Have you ever based a story on real people?"

Jiraiya had hoped that it wouldn't have come to this particular matter. He was toeing dangerous lines, but answering this could send him into even worse grounds. There was no telling what could set the redhead off. He took a deep breath and answered.

"Did you read 'Steamy Nights in Suna'?"

"Yes."  
"And you want to know—"

"If you based the main characters on me and Naruto." Gaara said brusquely.

Jiraiya sighed. "Yes, I did."

"Why?"

"Hmm… Why? I suppose it's because you have some similarities. You'd be good for him."  
"So you're saying I should love him?" She was starting to get confused.

"No, not necessarily. Take Uchiha for example. She's Naruto's best friend, but their personalities clash too much to be involved in a romantic relationship."

"I should be involved in a romantic relationship with him?"

"It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have as long as you stay interested in him. You're a little too young to be worrying about who your lover should be. Start as friends and if things move from there, so be it. Sometimes he gets lonely too." Jiraiya was glad to have strayed from his usual perverted statements to say something sensible for once.

"What about when I go back to Suna? How can I be a friend to him if I'm not even in the same country?"

"You can write can't you?"

Gaara went silent. Perhaps between meetings and paperwork, there'd be time to write a letter once in a while, just to see what mischief Naruto was getting into now. They could talk about jinchuurki things. She could even predict what they'd be like. Hers would be short and concise. Naruto would fill his letters with everything that had happened since their last exchange, undoubtedly spanning pages. Maybe…

"Now, let me teach you how to please my protégé…"

I0I0I0I0I

"Hey Naruto! Is it true?" Sakura asked when she noticed the blonde's return.

"Is what true?"

"Are you really a beautician?"

"I'm not certified, but—"

"Oh my Kami! You are one! You have to come to our girls night in! Please, please, please say yes!" she begged.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a girl."

"Who cares?"

"Um… I guess I could…" Naruto had a feeling this wouldn't end well.

Sakura gave a shriek of joy that nearly deafened him. Kami, that girl was loud! The pinkette couldn't believe her luck. One of her friends was a real live beautician! If only she'd known this sooner, she could've easily beaten Ino in the looks department with a little assistance from Naruto. How could he have kept such a juicy skill to himself? Sasuke looked absolutely fabulous with here hair like that. She could blow Sasuke's heart into her hands with just a nudge in the right direction. And while on the topic of that particular brunette…

"So you decided to come back after all, eh dobe?" Sasuke smirked, sashaying her way over to the dobe in question.

"Back off, pervert." Naruto snapped.

Little did she realize, Sasuke happened to have more in common with Naruto than she would think. Take her incredible stubbornness when she wanted something. She would keep at it until her goal had been reached. Right now, Naruto was her goal. She was going to do whatever it took and she didn't care who she may hurt in the process. She would claw her way into Naruto's bed, come hell or high water.

"Sasuke, I believe you were assigned someone else today." Kakashi said, interrupting Sasuke's advance upon Naruto. Naruto made a mental note to thank Kakashi later.

"So it seems we're fated to be partners?" A familiar brunette scowled at Sasuke.

It was about to become a veritable bloodbath.

Naruto, who had been assigned Sakura as a partner, was glad to have a sane moment if only for just a moment. The moment was a short-lived one. Pre-fight banter distracted them from their own discussion. The two exchanged a glance and figured it would be worth investigating. They thought they could use something to liven up the afternoon.

"Anything to say before I destroy you?" Sasuke asked her opponent.

"Stay away from Naruto. You're nothing but a cheap hussy." Neji was tense, prepared for whatever sort of attack may come.

"You just don't know him like I do. I had him yesterday and you know it, you white-eyed bitch." Sasuke sneered.

Sakura turned to Naruto, interested in what Sasuke had mentioned. "What happened yesterday?"

"Er…I'll tell you later."

Neji snapped out her reply quickly. "Right, he's suddenly going to love you because you whored yourself up for him. Why do you even want him? Finally making an attempt to revive your clan?"

"Care to repeat that, you pupiless freak?"

"Are we going to fight or not?"

"You know, I think you're jealous because Naruto likes me more. Plus, I was his first kiss." Sasuke was trying to get Neji to lose her temper, but the Hyuuga wasn't about to give in to anger.

"Right… That's exactly what it is."

"Let's see how pretty you look when I pluck every dirt-brown strand of hair from your head."

"How about us seeing your lovely smile when you're missing half your teeth?" Neji countered eloquently.

"I'll slap the taste out of your mouth."

"Bring it on."

"Aw, they're fighting over you… How cute!" Sakura cooed, hoping Neji would win. She wasn't about to lose Sasuke to Naruto.

The two once-boys lunged at each other, shrieking like banshees. A small crowd had gathered to watch the bedlam begin. What commenced there could not be called an honorable battle. Nor could it really even be called a match between ninja. The only term suitable to describe this brawling would be as follows: catfight. Indeed, it was a catfight with everything on it; hair pulling, scratching, biting, the whole shebang. No one dared to stop it, preferring to sit back and enjoy the show. By the time Sasuke had Neji in a headlock on the ground, Naruto figured it was time to call it quits. When he shouted at them to knock it off, he was ignored as Neji wriggled out of the grip she was trapped in. The contestants were grabbing at anything they could reach, Sasuke yelping when Neji began jerking on her hair. Her payback came in tugging on Neji's shirt, which decided to give up the fight and came off in her hand. Neji, now topless, blushed in shame.  
And then, of course, she ripped off Sasuke's shirt in revenge.

Jiraiya, who had followed Naruto after his discussion with Gaara, was having an absolute field day.

"You bitch!" Sasuke shrieked, slapping Neji across the face.

"Don't touch me, you whore!" Neji screamed and kicked Sasuke in the stomach.

The girl found herself flying about a dozen yards into the cold waters of the largest lake in Konoha, which was conveniently nearby. An absolute silence fell over everyone. Naruto and Neji approached the edge warily. There was no sign of Sasuke, merely a few bubbles in the general area where she had landed.

"Can Sasuke-teme swim?"

"You're asking the wrong person. It's her own damn fault anyway." Neji turned her back on the lake with a scoff, not really caring about what happened to the Uchiha.

Something emerged from the depths of the calm waters and snagged Neji by the ponytail she had put her hair in to keep her gorgeous (self inflated opinion of herself…) hair out of her eyes with the intention of dragging her into the lake. She screamed, mostly out of shock and waved her arms wildly as she began to fall. Naruto grabbed her arm in hopes of preventing her descent into the water, but ended up getting dragged in as well.

He opened his eyes, surveying the aquatic landscape. Sasuke and Neji were having a slow motion battle that he figured he should break up immediately. The upper-hand had been dealt to Neji who, despite having been startled, was merrily poking away at Sasuke's chakra nodes. Naruto swam between them and pointed to the light above, indicating they should head to the surface. They thankfully obeyed, but when Naruto broke through into blessed air, they started fighting again. The two had squished Naruto between them as they tried to claw each other's eyes out and Naruto was very aware that he was in the middle of a boob sandwich. His mind started to do the math. Hot, half-naked chicks rubbing against him equals…

Blood fountained out of his nose impressively before he passed out.

I0I0I0I0I

"Hey Sakura…" Naruto said quietly as he painted her toenails some hours later.

"Yeah Naruto?"

Naruto glanced around at the others. He, along with Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and Tenten were in Sakura's overly pink bedroom wearing their pajamas as they talked about… Well, girly stuff. Naruto capped the hot pink polish, internally twitching at the fact the floor had been given to him and they were all waiting patiently for him to say whatever it was.

"Can I tell you guys a secret?"

"Of course! It'll be safe with us!" They chimed, exchanging excited glances at each other, prepping themselves for whatever it may be.

"The thing is… I kinda like someone…"

"I told you, I only love Sasuke." Sakura said with a flip of her fluffy hair. (Done by Naruto, of course…)

"No, it's not you. You're like a sister to me. It's someone else. _Several_ someone elses, to be specific."

"Are they in this room?" Ino asked, nudging a blushing Hinata in the ribs.

"Er, no… I like…" He squeaked out the names rapidly.

"We didn't quite catch that." Tenten said.

"I like Sasuke. And Gaara. And—"

"Wait, wait, wait. You like 'Sasuke-teme'? You're so not suited for him though." Sakura twirled a pink lock around her finger. She had quickly grown addicted to touching her hair after Naruto had worked his magic on it.

"How so?"

"He's so angsty and tragic and you're so… Not."

"And you are?"

"He's got you there, Sakura." Ino teased.

Hinata was feeling a little depressed that Naruto had someone else in his heart. She had always prayed that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he felt for her like she did for him. But the possibilities were endless. If she couldn't have him, then why should anyone else? She began taking down mental notes of who Naruto liked for later reference. She would make sure that all his love interests would have peculiar fatal accidents and that she would be there to comfort him every time… It was a foolproof plan. Her small manic giggle went unnoticed.

"So, how long have you been into Sasuke?" Tenten asked, undoing her hair.

"It was when you kissed, wasn't it?" Ino was getting disturbingly interested.

"No, it was after that. Sakura, remember when we were fighting Zabuza?" she nodded and he continued. "I didn't think 'I like him' until I thought he was dead. I just couldn't forget that."

It was around this time that they realized someone was singing just outside. The voice was strong and intriguing, but Naruto could barely make out the words being sung. They sounded oddly familiar, but he didn't know why. Everyone went dead silent so they could hear. (Bonus points if you know what the song is or what it's from.)

"You're sweet, wanna hit the streets? Wanna wail at the moon like a coyote in heat? Just take me out tonight!"

A face appeared in the window. Sakura opened it, much to Naruto's horror. It was Sasuke, garbed in the black lingerie he had bought for her just the day before. She leaned against the white window frame as if for support and gave a breathy pianissimo whisper of the next line.

"Please take me…" she stepped in and her voice made its crescendo to forte again to howl the lyric. (Sorry to you non-music people out there for using music terms.) "Out tonight!"

She ran her hands through her hair and her body moved naturally with the music that seemed to be coming from outside the window. If anyone would have bothered to look, they would've seen the band Sasuke had hired for this ridiculous stunt jamming out. How in god's name did she manage things like this? Cold, hard, Uchiha cash, that's how.

"Don't forsake me… Out tonight!" she got down onto the floor on all fours, belting out the subsequent line as she crawled toward him like a sexy panthress. "I'll let you make me… Howl tonight!"

By this time, Naruto had his back against the wall and nowhere to go. Fan-fucking-tastic. Sasuke was upon him, ending her solo with a kiss to him, eliciting fangirlish screams. Naruto pushed her away, ignoring her pout and urging every god he knew to make her go away.

Curious as to see what reaction she would get, Ino said, "Now what were you saying about Gaara?"

Sasuke looked betrayed. "What's so great about Gaara?"

"Go away teme."

"I'm not leaving, stupid."

"Well, I'm not having a repeat of yesterday."

Sakura had to make a decision. If Sasuke stayed, Naruto would leave and Sasuke would probably follow him. If Sasuke left, well then… She left. Figuring it would be better for one to stay than neither, she did something that would've horrified any other Sasuke fangirl.

"Sasuke, get out."

Sasuke gave her a disgruntled look. This was another minor setback that she had not foreseen. After all, it took her two damn hours to find where Naruto was in the first place. That was love at work right there! But no worries, she would overcome. Once she had left the way she came, Naruto was visibly relieved.

"So, what happened yesterday?" Ino queried.

"You never did tell me." Sakura noted, remembering Naruto's earlier promise.

"Do you swear on your hair not to tell anyone?" Naruto was wary of trusting him with such sensitive information.

"That serious, huh?"

"Just do it."

"Fine. I swear that I will never tell this secret to a single soul or may my hair fall out and never grow back." She sighed, anxious to hear whatever juicy morsel was coming her way.

The three other girls followed suit and Naruto recounted his tale. As was predictable, the end results weren't pretty. When Naruto had finished, Hinata was out cold, Tenten was blushing, and Sakura was foaming at the mouth. Ino, however, found the nightmarish incident rather humorous, but that's just because she's a twisted girl. (Like most of my readers…)

"I can't believe she said that!" she crowed, laughing freely.

"You like Sasuke, don't you? So why aren't you celebrating?" Sakura asked, attempting to resurrect the unconscious Hinata.

"Because I don't like her being so forward."

"You're so lucky. You're the only one that Sasuke will give the time of day." Ino sighed. "Along with a few other things, if you know what I mean…How did you get someone so dreamy to fall for something like you?"

"First off, she's not dreamy. Second, did you really just refer to me as 'something like'?" Naruto wondered why she couldn't at least have said 'someone'.

"No." Ino quickly lied.

"Ino, behave yourself. So why are you crushing on, of all people, Gaara-san?" Tenten asked, helping the semi-awake Hinata sit up.

"Frankly my dear, she's a cold, ruthless, heartless murderer. But we have more in common than you know." Naruto said mysteriously, knowing the girls knew nothing of Kyuubi.

"Is there anyone _else_ you'd like to mention?"

"Well…"

By the time completed the list, Hinata had passed out again. Did her Naruto really have such a wild libido that he lusted after so many individuals? She'd be happy to help him with his sexual urges, but **GODDAMN **that was a long string of names! He could have a different person every day of the week for about two and a half weeks without repeating. She'd have to stage a lot of accidents to get rid of everyone.

"Your birthday is coming up in a couple days. What do you want? Perhaps a gift wrapped Sasuke?" Ino teased.

"Or maybe you rather it be Gaara?" Tenten suggested, waggling her eyebrows.

"How about—"

"Sakura, if you say _anything_ cake-related, I'm leaving right now."

Naruto didn't want to give Sasuke any ideas in case she was listening in. Having her pop out his birthday cake in a cowboy vest and assless chaps was the last thing he wanted. Or was it? It was already bad enough with Raoul and Jiraiya, he didn't really need these three girls adding on to all the teasing. He hugged Hinata and sniffed dramatically.

"Sometimes I think you're my only friend, Hinata-chan!"

The Hyuuga more or less went into a coma. Naruto had touched her. Hallelujah!

"Uh oh. I think Hi-chan died." Ino prodded her, only to get no response.

"She'll snap out of it eventually." Sakura sighed, admiring the nail-work Naruto had done. "Hey, Naruto! Let's do _your_ nails!"

She started rummaging through Naruto's box for the perfect shade. The blonde was notably less enthused. "I really don't think…"

"Oh come on… Please?" she pleaded.

"Ur…"

I0I0I0I0I

Jiraiya finally noticed that it was late and Naruto had yet to return. Actually, this was pretty good for him, considering he had decided to have a little party of his own. Needless to say, the place was trashed. Plus after what he and a couple of his lady friends had done, Naruto would probably want to seriously consider buying a new table. Gaara was too lost in 'Icha Icha Rapture' to watch was more or less the real life version. After Jiraiya let his ladies leave, he began Operation Cleanup Naruto's Apartment. It was going along splendidly until he decided to ask what was taking Naruto so long.

"Hn? The pink haired girl said that he was having a sleepover at her house with some friends." Gaara replied, quietly turning a page.

Of course, in Jiraiya's perverted mind, sleepover translated into orgy. He dropped the trash bag he was holding and went to go spy on his protégé. How could he miss a moment like this? Gaara, as always, continued to read. Jiraiya was deeply disappointed when he saw Sakura painting Naruto's toenails. How many girls had he gotten by the time he was that age? It was a little pitiful, actually. Gaara looked up from her book to briefly acknowledge the return of the toad sage.

Jiraiya, going back to his cleaning spree, broke the contaminated table into various pieces and disposed of them discretely. The furniture store didn't open until about ten the next day, so Naruto would have to go without a kitchen table for a little bit. As he cleaned, he thought out loud.

"No orgy, but at least he's happy…"

"It's good for your friends to be happy, correct?" Gaara queried. She thought she was starting to get the hang of this friend thing with Jiraiya's help.

Jiraiya, the man with a devious plan had—well… A devious plan. "Right. Remember what we were talking about earlier?"

"Yes."

"You know what would make him _really_ happy?"

I0I0I0I0I

Naruto ended up coming to practice with blue nails. All twenty of them were painted the same shade of blue. And it wasn't just any old blue either. This was peacock blue. It was extraordinarily distracting. In fact, it was so distracting that when Kiba noticed it, she got so mesmerized by the blue that she ran headlong into Shino, who bumped into Neji, who turned to glare at who'd done it and was bitch slapped by Sasuke because Neji was in her way, so Neji kicked her and Sasuke nearly impaled herself on the kunai she was holding. The two glared furiously at each other. Neji was raring for a rematch, but the chance was dashed as Gai paired her with Tenten.

Uchiha Sasuke had to die. There was no way she'd ever get any peace if she was flinging herself at Naruto twenty-four seven. Tenten was calling her name, but that didn't matter right now. Poisoning was a good route, she'd have to look into that later. Naruto would be _hers_.

On the other side of the training field, Sasuke was having her might pitted against the still freakishly muscled Lee. The girl was screaming about fighting spirit and youth, but Sasuke merely tuned her out. She had to figure out how to deal with Neji, not to mention Gaara. Lee, upset at being ignored, proceeded to kick Sasuke into the stratosphere, where she plenty of time to think about her future plans. Hyuuga Neji had to die.

I0I0I0I0I (Oh lord. There's a death match in the making…)

Naruto didn't expect much from his life. One of the things he expected was to have his apartment be in the same condition as when he had left it. It was in the generally same state as when he had been carted over to Sakura's house except for three little details that he couldn't just ignore.

His table was gone.

There was someone's bra hanging from his ceiling light fixture.

And 3. Gaara was calmly reading her fifth print edition of 'Icha Icha Seventh Heaven' on Naruto's bed, which wouldn't have seemed so odd now that Naruto was used to her excessive reading of the novels. But it was the fact she was doing it in just her skivvies caught him off guard. (Skivvies, underwear…) And she was also surrounded by various erotic torture devices.

A little upsetting if you think about it.

Naruto wondered what exactly had transpired last night. "Er, Gaara-kun?"

"Are you happy?" she asked.

"Ur…"

Gaara herself was rather diverting to look at. Maybe it was just the garter belt. Her hair had been undone and was currently cascading around her in a crimson wave, perhaps that was the cause. Perchance it was the look of the lingerie containing her soft form that did it. He honestly didn't know. But he was having an extremely hard time concentrating.

"Jiraiya said this would make you happy. Are you?"

Naruto could only stutter incomprehensively. He somehow came out of his stupor long enough to squint at Gaara's neck, which had been partially been obscured by her long hair. Was that a dog collar she was wearing? Gaara took this combination of Naruto tripping over his tongue and staring at her in a peculiar manner and misinterpreted it.

"You're angry?"

"No, but you need to—" he blinked.

Then he blinked again.

Then he blinked one more time and squinted_ really _hard to verify his sight.

Gaara had picked up a dildo and was examining it carefully. Good lord.

"What is the purpose of this object?" she queried, handling it gently as if it was going to break.

"Put that down!" Naruto barked sharply. Gaara dropped it. "Please put some clothes on…"

Naruto left, needing to go on a run to clear his mind. What was he going to do? Other than dodge the various housewives who were currently chasing him around the marketplace, that is. That was a given. These girls wouldn't stop following him around and it seemed like no matter what he would do, they wouldn't ever stop. Maybe if he rolled around in some garbage and didn't take a bath, they'd be warded off by his stench. That, being both a ridiculous idea and completely disgusting, was discarded. Girls didn't like losers, right? So maybe he could—He then remembered that everyone had thought he was a loser before all this happened, so that scheme went bust as well. He was doomed to be ravished by a horde of amorous women all because his brainchildren kept dying as soon as he thought them up. The sex might be nice the first few times, but he couldn't take it every hour of every day considering that was the direction this whole state of affairs was heading.

'_**Kit, just fight fire with fire.'**_

'_What do you mean?'_

'_**If they offer themselves up, just give them a little service and they won't come after you again. Or is it can't come after?'**_ Kyuubi contemplated the difference.

'_Service?'_

'_**Fanservice, kit.'**_

'_Why don't I like the sound of that?'_

'_**I don't know. Maybe it's because you're such a prude, even though you would do it with about half the women hounding you.'**_

'_I don't have to sleep with them to get any of this fanservice done, do I?'_

'_**Only if you want to. I suppose I should teach you the finer side of this art, shouldn't I?'**_

'_If it'll really get them to stop, then I'll do it!'_

'_**That's the spirit. Let's get started.'**_

I0I0I0I0I

The next day brought new promise for him. He was going to test out his fanservice techniques that Kyuubi had taught him. Hopefully, all would go well. Plus, it was his birthday, so even if everything didn't work out he still had that to fall back on. First test, Gaara.

"Good morning, Gaara-kun. May I say you're looking lovely this morning?"

"What?"

Okay, maybe Gaara wasn't the best person to try it out on.

Second test, Neji. He found her at his front door, blushing a light rose when she came face to face with him. Naruto had changed up his attire just for this occasion and Neji certainly noticed it. The black tanktop exposed all of his arms and enough of his chest to let her mind wander. He was glad he at least put on some sweatpants, because it was getting a bit colder, like it should in October. The weather had been unusual lately, with temperatures ranging in the sixty to seventy degrees. But that wasn't what was important.

"Hello, Naruto-san..."

"No need to be so polite, Neji-chan. What are you doing here anyway?" Naruto said, turning his charming smile on to six. It would be enough to deal with the Hyuuga branch.

"Er… Well, I was hoping I could have the honor of walking with you to practice…" Neji blushed, heart thumping more furiously than it had in the last few days.

"I'd rather have the honor of escorting you, my fair princess."

"Honored…By me?" Neji had never been told by anyone they would have been honored to do anything with her.

"Yes. You whose beauty surpasses that of even the most elegant mermaid, I would pray you would let a lowly dog like me join you." While the lines seemed outlandish to Naruto, they seemed to be working.

"I-I'd be okay with you…" Neji's blush deepened.

"Thank you, princess." He took her hand in his, raising it slowly to his mouth to kiss it.

Neji had a Hinata moment and passed out cold on the floor. The behavior had to be in the genes. Naruto was impressed, this fanservice thing seemed to be working. Kyuubi wasn't that crazy after all. Figuring it would be rude to just leave Neji here, he gently slapped her cheek to try and wake her up. Her ivory eyes fluttered open and she accepted the hand Naruto offered to help her to her feet.

"I'm sorry about that. You just startled me." Neji apologized as they exited the building, giving a light shiver as the faintly chilly air hit her skin.

"Hey Neji-chan, it's my birthday, you know?" Naruto said, keeping on his oh-so-cool charm.

"Really? Well, happy birthday then." Internally, Neji was screaming. How could she not know his birthday? "Is there anything you want?"

"No, no. I'll be fine. You shouldn't trouble yourself with it." Naruto said this but didn't mean it. He did want something for his birthday because he'd never gotten anything before from his fellow shinobi. He had, however gotten gifts from his friends in the red light district, but that's a different story.

"But I feel so horrible forgetting about it!"

"You didn't forget it. You just didn't know it, right?"

"I'm sorry."

"You don't need to apologize for something that's not your fault. You're cuter when you smile."

Naruto gave a dazzling grin and Neji couldn't control herself anymore. She collapsed in another dead faint. Yep, that was definitely in the genes. Naruto thanked Kyuubi, who snorted exasperatedly at him because he had woken him up. The blonde nudged Neji with his foot a few times and got no response. He would be late to practice at this rate. If he was late to practice, then Kakashi would make him stay after. If he stayed after, then he wouldn't get as much time to go clubbing and all that other fun stuff. So he simply dragged her under a tree and scribbled a quick message to her.

'_Sorry, but I had to go. Hope you're feeling better._

_Xoxoxo,_

_Naruto'_

When she woke up nearly an hour later, she didn't mind that she was covered in dirt and leaves. She read the letter, pressing her lips to it and willing that somehow Naruto would understand how she felt.

I0I0I0I0I

Naruto's third test of his fanservice abilities ended up being Sakura, simply because he encountered her on his way. He had said sweet things and she had blushed and beat the hell out of him because of it. Screamed something about he wasn't supposed to be smooth like that and to stop making those host club eyes at her. So the test was a sort of success. But of course, he always had that terrifying final test.

The test of Uchiha Sasuke.

"Hey dobe…" she purred as she draped her arms around his shoulders.

"Yes?"

"Did you think of me last night?" She felt daring, especially since Naruto had yet to spaz out and fling her away.

"Of course I did." Naruto replied, letting his words flow out like verbal silk. He truly had, mostly because he had a nightmare about Sakura's girls night in and recounted everything that had happened. "Why wouldn't I?"

"No reason. You've been acting kind of distant lately."

"That's no cause to worry." Naruto said, placing his hands on her hips, still thankfully not face to face with her. If she saw his eyes, she might suspect he was just acting. As long as fate was on his side and she didn't ask to kiss him or anything, then everything would be okay.

"Do you want to kiss me now or later?" Sasuke whispered, pressing her lips against his ear.

Damn you, fate.

He had to think on his feet. Sasuke was acting like a dirty girl, so he figured he might as well treat her like one. "Naughty little kitten… Why should I give you such a privilege?"

"Why not?"

"You forgot my birthday, didn't you, teme?"

"No I didn't. Happy birthday, Naru-kun."

"You're so bad. Where's my present?"

"It's a secret, dobe." She whispered, twining her arms around his waist.

Naruto allowed her to stay like that for a moment and was able to push her away without her going psychotic. She gave him a sly wave when he looked back and he responded with a coy wink. He continued to walk away and she still was in the same place, not bothering to follow him. The test was a success. He reviewed the day so far.

He hadn't been mauled.

He hadn't been half molested by Sasuke.

He, in fact, had turned several women into putty in his hands.

This was going to be fun.

0o0

Yes, yes, more apologies for not having put this up sooner and all that…

Next time on Nibai Akuma Kokoro, expect:

Heavy partying!

A possible death match!

Naruto fanservice!

And… The moment you've all been waiting for…

Gaara in high heels!?

Review to get me more motivated to do the next chapter and tune in for the next installment of… Nibai Akuma Kokoro!


	5. Dirty Slides and High Heels?

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Hello my people. The reason why I decided to update instead of leaving you in the lurch for several more months is due to randomness' anonymous comment. The story isn't dead. I just have other things to work on. …On one note, I'd like to establish that the characters are in the fifteen-sixteen range if I have not already. I went back and changed the age in the first chapter due to, well… _Certain_ content coming up in the near future. While I was writing three and four, I actually had completely forgotten that I'd originally had them as thirteen because I got in the habit of the Shippuden writing. So… Let's pretend that Gaara hasn't died yet and that the rescue Sasuke mission was successful. And on the numerous questioning of Naruto's orientation, let me say this.

The world is not black and white. There are shades of grays. That goes for sexuality as well. The authoress knows because in this aspect, she, like Naruto in this particular fic, is gray. So there's your answer.

0o0

Ch.5 Dirty Slides and High Heels?

0o0

Naruto hummed a song called 'Blue Bird' merrily as he pranced around his bathroom, preparing for his big night out. Laughing softly to himself, he interrupted the frequently repeated line 'that blue, blue sky' as he remembered last year. Those were some good times… Raoul and all his other red light district buddies taken him out for a night on the town to show him how to _really_ party. They started at one bar named 'The Full Monty' at nine thirty. By ten, he had drank so much that he had forgotten his name, gave four complete strangers lapdances, and nearly hooked up with a chick that had a prosthetic leg. Amazing what strobe lights and a blood alcohol content that was nearly twice the legal limit for operating anything more complex than a bathroom door can do to your perspective of the world. By ten fifteen, they had moved on to a new bar because the bartender was beginning to refuse to give them drinks. Said they'd had enough or something. 'Indigo Plateau' kicked them out by ten forty five because one of their group members (a fair-tempered, rather decent fellow by the name of Set) had, in a drunken and confused fury, taken the beer Naruto had been about to drink and smashed it over the head of a 'filmmaker' who was hitting on his girlfriend. A domino effect blossomed from there until the whole bar was an all-out battle zone and then shinobi started using weapons and a range of exceptionally dangerous jutsu, so they technically weren't evicted as much as they hightailed it out of there before they got arrested or killed. At eleven, the memories started to get hazy, but he did recall that they went to some underground club that served a delicious drink called absinthe that they said contained something called… Opus? Oprah? Opium, that was it! Four of those and he was completely shit-faced. He vaguely remembered Raoul asking various people which strain of cannabis was best. Naruto passed out at approximately two AM, which he knew because a clock was the last thing he saw.

Eight hours later, he woke up in a ditch in a side of the district with which he was not familiar three inches away from a pool of vomit (contents included but were not limited to: stomach acid, beer, absinthe, various other hard liquor, and some nachos that were especially delicious going down, but not so much coming back up) that he knew to be his, clothes that were _definitely _someone else's (he had not gone out in a women's jade sundress), with only his trademark jacket to call his own. Upon inspecting said jacket, he found twenty eight phone numbers and-or addresses scrawled on crumpled up martini napkins in his right pocket and a roll of condoms in his left. Despite the killer hangover, he had gone to training and nearly eviscerated Sakura for talking too loudly. Halfway through training, the condoms had fallen out of his pocket and he stopped having a hammering migraine long enough to shove them back in their place, trying to pay no heed to the bewildered looks he had gotten from his teammates. Kakashi had a fairly good idea of how the previous night had played out and quizzed him on it later. Good times…

Maybe this year, he would actually remember the day he would stop being underage and be considered a man who was ready to be sexually active (with consent). Only one thing would slow down his birthday bash, that being the likelihood of a bunch of oversexed women (and once-boys) overrunning his personal space with reckless abandon. Wait, who was he kidding? That'd be half the fun. What he'd do to them would be confidential, though if any of his friends were still male, he'd definitely share his conquests with them the morning after. Especially Kiba, who was on the fast track to becoming a mega-perv himself. With Kyuubi telling him about the 'fanservice' technique, he could keep away the ones who weren't quite as desirable and his currently under gender swap friends. It would feel kind of weird to have sex with one of them and have to see them the next day.

A rap at the door interrupted his thoughts. "I wish to use the bathroom. Could you please get out?"

"Yeah, yeah…" Naruto unlocked the door and cleared his stuff out of the way so Gaara wouldn't be tempted to scrutinize it in great detail while she did whatever she had to. He slipped out of the small space and passed Gaara, still wondering what outfit he should wear.

The interlude was brief and Gaara returned a short moment later, glancing at her friend. "Naruto, why are you naked?"

Naruto looked at the reflection of the redhead the full length mirror he had acquired after a big mission payoff when he heard her ask this. Though he usually kept it in his closet, he brought it out from time to time for a situation such as this. "I'm getting ready for my birthday party tonight."

"I see." More time was spent with Naruto angling his body to see which poses brought his physical features out the best. "You have a large penis."

That bombshell caught the blonde off guard. "E-excuse me?"

"I said that—"

"No, I know what you said, I just couldn't believe it. I can't decide whether to thank you for saying so or to be freaked out that something like that came out of your mouth."

"Do you use it to conquer pussy?"

Naruto had to do a double take. "Say what?"

"Jiraiya said that men with large penises should conquer pussy." Gaara stated in a matter-of-factly manner.

"Er…" He was going to strangle that man for corrupting Gaara so much.

"Does that have anything to do with being an ass master?"

Dammit, not that again. "Er…"

"Are you an ass master?" She was determined to find out what the mysterious 'ass master' was.

It was time to take control of his mouth before this conversation went any further. "I am neither, now could you please stop asking me questions like that?"

"Why?"

Naruto felt heat rush to his face and he knew he had to be blushing. "The topic… I mean, I've never even dreamed of talking to you about sex. You're the Kazekage after all and besides, you seemed too refined to discuss such things."

Gaara felt almost offended. What had happened to her being a precious person and a friend? And just because she was the ruler of a nation didn't mean that she didn't know about sex. Well… She hadn't known much before Kakashi had given her the Icha Icha novels, but now she felt a connoisseur of the physical art. Only in theory, not in practice. Though she read them with a stony face, when she had reread 'Steamy Nights in Suna' knowing that the characters really were her and Naruto, a peculiar coil of heat had surged through her veins. She still wasn't quite sure what that had been, but it was happening more frequently when she read them and got to the more pornographic material that made the novels famous. Though the books were often billed as 'pure degraded smut', there was a common theme in all of them. Love. And if that was a necessary ingredient, then she wasn't sure if she was going to take the plunge recklessly to indulge in what was described many times as 'carnal pleasure'.

"Am I just the Kazekage to you?"

"What? No, you're my friend first and foremost, but I can't always forget who you are."

"Does that mean I'm invited to your party?"

"Of course. You wanna help me pick out my outfit?"

Gaara thought over the question. "Why does it matter what you wear?"

"I want to look good." Naruto said, shaking his head like this was an obvious fact.

This confused Gaara. "In my aesthetic view, you always look good. So why should what you wear matter?"

Naruto blinked in surprise. No one had ever said that to him before. Even Raoul would tell him he shouldn't wear something because it made him look like he had fat thighs. "…I always look good?"

Gaara nodded her head, brushing some rogue rouge strands of hair out of her eyes as she did so. "You're very pleasing to look at."

Pink tinted his cheeks and he couldn't look at the girl he shared an apartment with. Averting his eyes by rummaging through his clothes, he felt an odd sense of pleasure. Most of the comments towards his appearance came from his red light district buddies and were sexual in nature. For a comment without innuendo or any alternative agendas, it would certainly be worth something. Sometimes he wondered if Gaara had any idea what she was talking about. Saying sweet things like that… Darn near made a guy think he could be falling. In this case, he knew that the redhead was probably getting all these ideas from an Icha Icha overdose (which was ironically the next book on her reading list) and to not take it overly seriously.

At the present time, he wanted to get some space to himself. "Why don't you go ask Sakura to help you put together something to wear?"

"Why not you?" Naruto thought he saw Gaara almost pout.

"…I still have to get my stuff sorted out."

"But I don't like the pink haired one that much. I'd rather have you do it."

Flattered as he may be, he didn't want to keep her here and end up doing a stupid act he'd feel sorry for later. "Her name is Sakura. How many times do I have to tell you to call her that?"

At least give her something to work with, she didn't want to see that pink nuisance. "Is it formal attire?"

Naruto had to bite back a chuckle. Last year the dress code had been anything _but_ formal. "No, it's not. Just take some of the clothes we bought yesterday and take them over to her house. I'll come by later to pick you up." He shooed his companion out and went back to solving the clothing debacle he was presently embroiled in. Blue or black? Or some other shade entirely? Decision, decisions…

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara was battling her own conflict with the sense of dread souring her stomach. She did not care for Naruto's friends at all, especially that pink girl. Naruto was annoying in a tolerable way. He did the things he did to draw attention to himself because he was lonely. Sakura was annoying because her genetic code impelled her to be so. But here she was, white garbage bag full of clothes in one hand and 'Icha Icha Symphony' in the other as she marched over to the despicable one's house. She was hoping that this would only take a minute because she wanted to find out what happened next in her book.

When Sakura answered the door she certainly didn't expect to see, of all people, Sabaku no Gaara. Perhaps it was just a good day for her having company. Ino had shown up half an hour ago to get ready for the party and Hinata had just arrived mere minutes ago, asking to be made pretty for Naruto. Heiress or not, she was used to Hinata. The Kazekage was a horse of a different color. That was her excuse for standing, mouth agape, with the redhead in her doorway. Before she even recovered to say anything, Gaara had already begun the conversation.

"Naruto wants you to assist me in a clothing selection for his birthday party."

Naruto was trusting Gaara to her? "Why didn't he help?"

"He gave no particular reason."

Sakura could've sworn she saw a flicker of irritation darken the girl's face, but it seemed more like a trick of the light than anything else. "Come on in, I guess…" she said, despite the fact that the Kazekage had already invited herself in.

Hinata, wondering what was taking Sakura so long, strode on dainty feet down the stairs. How was she supposed to dominate Naruto's heart if Sakura couldn't help her catch his eye? The killing off of the rivals would come later, when she had wriggled further into his life and spectrum of interest. Figuring it to either be one of their femme friends or a persistent door-to-door salesman, she didn't mind walking down the hall to the door in her baby blue panties (with a chibi brown bear face on the front) and matching bra. Then she saw Gaara and minded very, very much. Regardless of the gender, Gaara was a domineering sort of person. As a boy, he was terrifying. As a girl, she was terrifying and had a terrific rack, stirring up Hinata's ever abundant feelings of inferiority in a complex form. She hadn't even been female for a fortnight and was already well into the D's. Hinata hit puberty three years ago and had yet to break into a C. Out of instinct, she crossed her arms over her chest and ran back to Sakura's room so she could change into a more respectable amount of clothing. This only took a twitch of a cat's tail and then she was finished. When she came out Gaara was standing with an impassive look on her face as Ino sat on the bed Indian style and Sakura was trying to balance the fragile circumstances before the redhead went and did something like snap into a ceaseless killing spree.

"G-Gaara-san, why are you here?" she queried, receiving a wintry gaze in return.

"That does not concern you. Please mind your own business."

"Would you like some ice with that burn, Hi-chan?" Ino snickered as she patted the brunette on the shoulder to comfort her.

"So Gaara-san, what kind of clothes did you bring?" Sakura asked, circumventing her friends from the dialogue.

Gaara held up the bag with her free hand, never once looking up from the pages of her Icha Icha book. Extending her bag arm towards Sakura, she nonverbally expressed that she expected the girl to take it from her. One and a half heavy minutes of silence passed before Sakura started sorting through the clothes expecting to find the typical black and maroon of the Kage. Quite quickly, she discovered were in fact some really cute things in here. She wouldn't mind some of them herself. Where had Naruto gotten them? And as an added bonus, everything looked easy to wear and not scratchy or rough or made of some mystery fabric that would give her a rash after she wore it. That boy was fast jumping up the branches of her tree of respect. Kami, she wanted to go shopping so badly now! There was the trouble-free way out, which would be to—she glanced up at the Kazekage and thought twice about stealing her property. Only the most foolhardy person ever alive would even try to do such a thing and then promptly be slain in an tremendously painful manner.

Ino tried to start a discourse with her fellow guest to alleviate the tension that was looming over the four of them like Charon himself. "So… What's that book about, Gaara-kun?"

She twitched. That girl didn't know her well enough to call her 'kun' like Naruto did. "Change the moniker and for your information, it is about vampires."

"Gaara-san?" Ino tried, praying to every god known to man (and several known to monkeys) that she wouldn't get rubbed out over something petty like a moniker. "Is there anything more specific you'd like to add while we're at it?"

Gaara dog-eared her page (eighty-eight, right hand page, two paragraphs from the bottom) in 'Icha Icha Symphony' and gave the explanation Ino was searching for. "It is about a vampire named Adrian who is stalking a human named Cedric because Cedric's blood has a mythical property called the True-Song. Is that an adequate synopsis?"

"Yeah…" She had been hoping that Gaara would've shown a lighter side and walked her through the book thus far, but that was an overreach in her faulty train of thought, like it had tried to go up Mount Everest without utterly failing. In shorter words, it wasn't possible.

"This would be cute… And maybe this top… With some bangles…" Sakura muttered as she sifted through the pile.

Ino, not having learned a thing from her last attempt, tried once more to start a comprehensive channel of communication that would last more than twenty eight seconds, with a bit of luck resulting in female bonding. "Hey Gaara-san, do you have a girlfriend back in Suna? I bet she misses you."

"If you mean a girlfriend in the sense of a romantic partner and a receptacle for phallic objects, then no, I do not." Gaara mumbled, shuddering at the thought some girls like these professing their… Love… No matter how much she wondered what it'd be like to have sex, she couldn't imagine doing it with these irritating creatures. Why women didn't shut their mouths and just get undressed when they were told and not expect pillow talk afterwards and then stay out of the way until they were needed again, she (being male in mind and slightly chauvinistic due to several traumatizing experiences when she was young) would never know.

"So… You're all for glow sticks and raves, eh?" She inquired, knowing that Gaara probably didn't understand the insinuation.

"What is 'rave'?"

"It's like a big dance party where people like to take their shirts off."

"I do not think I have been to one. Perhaps I shall ask Naruto to escort me to one sometime." Provided that she didn't have to take off her shirt, it could be an out of the ordinary experience. For once, she'd like to do something that she could tell Temari about when she got home. Truth be told, she was kind of missing her sister. It was probably due to all the hormones.

"You should! I'm sure he'd treat you very nice." Ino smiled craftily, wondering how far the two had gone in that empty little apartment. But alas, she knew the verity was that there had been nothing even remotely romantic transpiring between Naruto and anyone in that place. Oh, if only she could see what had happened ever since the swap…

"Compared to everyone else I've met, he does." Gaara mumbled as she returned to 'Icha Icha Symphony'.

"Ino, who's side are you on?" Sakura asked as she dug through her jewelry.

"Both. They deserve a fair fight and you know it."

Gaara glanced up, intrigued at the prospect of a battle. "Who's fighting?"

Ino sniggered inaudibly. "Clueless."

Sakura joined in. "I know. Should we enlighten her?"

"Nah, it's more fun this way."

Gaara, getting dangerously close to ripping their silly girl heads off with sand and dumping the bodies in the lake, detached herself from the real world and went back to reading before she was given anymore chances to do so.

"Here Gaara-kun. Try this."

Dammit, she just wanted to finish her fucking book! She closed 'Icha Icha Symphony' yet again, dropped it on the nightstand she had been situated in front of, and took the clothes so she could slink off to the bathroom, leaving the girls to discuss amongst themselves.

"Did you know Gaara read porn?" Ino asked sardonically.

"Not all Icha Icha has to be porn!" Sakura was desperate to believe that a Kage could _not_ read porn. Drink themselves to death and gamble away all their money, but a serious, sober young Kage like Gaara reading _porn?_ Unfeasible, I tell you!

"Sakura-chan is right. I don't think that Gaara would read p-p-porn either…" Hinata stuttered, dreadfully comforted by the fact that Gaara had left the room.

Ino picked up the novel from the stand and dared them to be adventurous. "Well, let's find out. Hi-chan, pick a number."

"Um… Three hundred and seventy one…"

She flitted through the pages until she got to that literal one and began to read aloud. "_ 'Cedric remembered the first time he had been bitten. The crazed look in Adrian's eyes as he stared down at him like a rabid beast. The urge of carnality that burned within his pupils. Back then he had fled, so why on earth was he letting Adrian do it again? This was what he wondered as Adrian removed his teeth from his neck and began licking his way down Cedric's chest with his bloodied tongue, freeing him from the restraint of clothing. Adrian reached Cedric's boxers and…'_" she cut off, flushing scarlet as she read on silently.

"…So it r-really is p-porn… V-vampire porn…" Hinata's virgin brain couldn't handle the possibilities that ellipse left open and proceeded to go with what she knew, which would be to faint.

Sakura huddled close to Ino as they continued together, getting redder by every like a tomato ripening at quadruple its growth rate as Adrian smoothly pulled Cedric's boxers down and ensued—oh my god, he did not just do that. They giggled like schoolgirls, picturing the Kazekage in his male form sitting in his office, reading gay vampire erotica as he signed tax forms. They wondered what Gaara's people would say when they discovered that their great leader was addicted to Icha Icha.

"I'd thank you to put my book down. I did not give you permission to read it."

To lessen the blow of being caught, Sakura did what every woman was trained to do when they were asked questions they didn't want to answer. She changed the subject. "That looks really nice on you."

Gaara looked down at the slinky black dress she had been forced to don for the sake of Naruto's party. A pair of golden bangles adorned each of her wrists, jingling when they shifted together. She thought it was decent, but not truly worthy of any meaningful praise. It was just a dress.

"I don't like it. I prefer having something between my legs."

Ignoring the ample innuendo-laced jokes they could make from that innocent statement, they spoke further, Ino adding onto what Sakura had said. "It really does look good. The empire waistline accentuates your cleavage and the length is good. Short enough to draw attention, but long enough to not be slutty."

"All you need now is a pair of heels. Then you will be complete."

The pinkette turned to the blonde. "What about money? Should we give her a purse?"

"Nah, Naruto's treating us. Well, he better be. I already spent my last mission's cash."

"He… Invited you also?" This was news to Gaara.

"Duh. We're his friends too. Now we gotta get ourselves ready. Don't want to look droll."

Having never been to a birthday party, she had no idea what she was to expect. She had thought that Naruto was only taking her out. Now that she'd been informed otherwise, it was like someone had rained on her parade.

"When's Tenten coming over?" Ino queried, diverting her own attention in other directions.

"She said in a couple of minutes." Sakura said as she began undressing.

Then she looked at Gaara, knowing that she was still a he on the inside, and reconsidered. It was too late, Gaara had already seen the pink bra, so he didn't know why she even bothered. She had no desire for that girl's body. Gaara wasn't sure what to do about her situation. Naruto was still having his clothing crisis and Gaara knew she'd only be underfoot if she went back, so here she was. Stuck with a group of girls. Making the sign of the cross at a lightning fast pace, she prayed that she'd get her penis back soon so she wouldn't be put in anymore situations like this.

And she really hated having to sit down to pee.

I0I0I0I0I

Skipping was not in an Uchiha's nature. Yet Sasuke was doing just that. Skipping through the fucking red light district. Why, you may ask? Raoul wasn't such a bad person after all. After all, she had just given her a nifty little ensemble to wear to Naruto's birthday party that she couldn't wait to break in because it was absolutely brilliant. She couldn't ignored with this baby on. Dammit, she was willing to stake that she could get Naruto to take off his pants tonight or she was packing up and changing her name to mud. Twenty minutes to go before it was show time.

I0I0I0I0I

Neji, while not nearly as gung-ho about tonight, was feeling confident. She began to muster up the courage to do something dramatic, to unleash her inner wilderness and make Naruto look her way without fail. If she couldn't at least kiss him, then she'd cut off her beloved hair with a dull kunai and start wearing colored contacts to throw away her Hyuuga pride. Ten minutes.

I0I0I0I0I

"Hey girls…" Naruto said teasingly as he entered Sakura's room without any overture such as a knock or something like that. "Well, don't we look good?"

"Damn right we do!" Ino exclaimed as she straightened her orange tube top.

"Hey Naruto-kun, help me put this in, would you?" Sakura asked as she struggled to put a spinel butterfly pin in her hair.

"You know where we're going, right?"

"You just said out. Why?"

"We're going to a club in the red light district. You won't need that. Let your hair go down, be wild. This," he said as he swiftly undid the pin, holding it in her face. "is only restraining you."

Tenten smoothed out the short cut emerald green Chinese dress she wore, fingering the petals of the chrysanthemum blossom at the bottom. "Should we dress down?"  
"You look fine, just try to wear it the best you can."

Gaara felt ignored, staring at the strappy sandals she was wearing as per Sakura's request. Stupid girls bothering Naruto. If she was him, she'd swat them away.

"Hinata-chan! You look so cute!" he said as he nearly crushed the girl in a back-breaking hug. She squeaked, feeling his strong chest against her small body, willing this moment to be more intimate. Clothed in a white long sleeved shirt with horizontal stripes of black and a lavender polo over that and casual black slacks, she had more clothing on per square inch than anyone else in the room.

"I'm going to change really, really quick, okay?" Without waiting for an answer, Sakura raided her closet and made a break for the bathroom.

She came back after slipping into a short sleeved black tee that had a single red rose behind the word 'Angel' in a gothic font and a pair of capris. It seemed more suited for the night life.

"And just look at you! Come here!" he beckoned to Gaara.

If the authoress was one to use imaginary onomatopoeias in her stories frequently, then the following scene with Gaara hobbling over to Naruto in suicide heels (AKA stilettos) would go as follows.

_Chak chak chak ch—fwapumph!_

Gaara, in all her natural grace, had just tripped and done a faceplant, unintentionally now kissing the floor. Naruto started laughing uncontrollably, the girls too afraid of what would happen if they did the same, marveling at the audacity the blonde possessed. Gaara frowned up at him, but he was immune to death glares by now. Though he was chivalrous enough to help her up, he wasn't able to keep a straight face for very long. The Kazekage, known for his ardent stride, had just been taken out by a pair of high heels.

"You have to admit, that was kind of funny." Naruto bit his lip as Gaara patched up her shattered sand armor.

"No, it wasn't. I'm going to put my regular sandals back on now." Gaara turned away indignantly, preparing to storm back to wherever she had left her shoes, only to trip and fall again.

Naruto hit the ground himself, rolling with laughter, holding his sides together so they wouldn't split. He wiped his eyes free of tears after a moment and sat up, still chuckling slightly. "Gaara-kun, I can see your underwear, you should get back up."

With the way her legs were currently splayed wide open and considering the fact that he had just been on the floor behind her didn't make this situation surprising. Gaara felt heat scorching her cheeks in embarrassment behind her armor as she tried to stand once more. Naruto put an arm around her waist and spun her towards the door, taking the stairs down quick enough that it wasn't overly prolonged, but slow enough to let Gaara try to keep pace.

"I don't want to go wherever we're going wearing these damn shoes." Gaara protested as Naruto opened the door.

He responded both verbally and nonverbally. Tensing the muscles in his arm, he slung her over his shoulder like a flour sack. "It's not because of the shoes, Gaara-kun. You just don't want to go."

About right now, that was the truest thing going through her mind.

I0I0I0I0I

People initially did stare when they saw Uzumaki Naruto carrying some redheaded girl who had yet to stop struggling, but once they were in the red light territory, everything was kosher. The group of girls, completely foreign with this part of town, clustered close to Naruto, knowing they were stronger in a pack. Girls with food related names like 'Sugar' and 'Candy' and one who had small, dark round birthmarks all over her body called 'Chocolate Chip' came up to Naruto and held X-rated conversations without even considering that this may be unusual to talk about in public. Naruto, temporarily forgetting who he held company with, informed them that if they ever wanted something really nasty done to them, they should give Chocolate Chip a call. After Sakura cracked him in the head, possibly fracturing his skull, he apologized for doing so. They arrived at a club named 'Orange Slide', the music throbbing loudly from the inside, almost shaking the walls as its inner workings entertained a large group of people. The bouncer, a burly once-man with a shaved head, nodded at Naruto and told him that his group could go in. The blonde declined, saying he was waiting for two more people, and the bouncer went back to refusing admittance to nerds and old people.

"Hey Naruto-kun, I've been wondering this for a while… It's really starting to get under my skin…"

"Yeah, Sakura-chan?"

"…Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

Naruto glanced down at his bare chest, his defined muscles making him a starring attraction on the sidewalk they were on. "Oh. Well, I couldn't find a shirt that I liked, so I decided to not wear one at all!"

"Hey, Naruto-san…"

Naruto turned, setting Gaara down as he did so and looked at the newcomer. "Hey, Neji-chan."

She was garbed in a white midriff top, a black pleated skirt that had a risqué feel with its shortness, and black knee high boots. Remembering he had to be sexy like a host (several of which he had lost his money to when he begged for more sessions with them and then got them and ran out of dough to fund the sessions), he opened his mouth to speak. Before a single syllable managed to get out, a silky smooth tone interrupted.

"Flirting already, bitch?"

Everyone turned to see Sasuke and promptly went into a very short coma. The garment she was wearing just put everyone at a loss for words. Her noir top, if it could even be called that, considering that it was more like a bra with lace trimming the bottom, had a large zipper that was partway undone, enticing Naruto to finish the job. Her bottom, was also a black pleated skirt, but like the top, had lace edging it, a thick belt hanging lowly on her hips, the buckle a large silver 'o'. A garter belt thankfully attached to not only her fishnet stockings, but her panties (which at this time were not visible), stockings tucked into her combat boots. On her wrists were lacy cufflinks that were vertically striped with electric blue and black and the pattern continued on the band of her top hat. But what took the cake was not that if she bent over, everyone would see her panties, or that she was one yank of the hand from being topless. It was the fluffy poof of a tail and the bunny ears protruding from the hat.

Not getting a reaction, Sasuke frowned, the ears on the hat seeming to droop. "You don't like it?"

"N-no! I like it, but it was just so unexpected!"

"Doesn't it look good on me?" she did a half spin, skirt twirling up to reveal some of her skivvies. "You look great. But I don't like your pants that much, they look kinda stupid."

Someone dared to challenge his amazing pants? He'd show them! "If my pants were stupid, would they be able to do this?"

He firmly grasped the belt loops over his hips, standing like one would if they were riding a horse and yanked with a motion that was simultaneously down and forward. They ripped off like they were designed to and he tossed them on the street, standing proudly in his underwear. Everyone with decent sight got an eyeful of Naruto's package straining against the fabric that held it in as the blonde defiantly struck a Captain Morgan-like pose. The reactions were mixed. Citizens walking nearby cheered him on and some were audacious enough to run up so they could push money into his waistband. The bouncer muttered something like 'typical Naruto'. Sasuke felt the increasingly familiar warmth of arousal flaring between her thighs, briefly thinking that she was glad she didn't have to change her name to mud. Sakura was crimson-faced and speechless. Ino was one of the ones who had put money in his band and was currently digging another bill out of her wallet so it could join the others. Gaara began missing her penis again. Tenten felt her jaw hitting the ground. Neji experienced her first orgasm as a girl and joined Hinata in a double Hyuuga faint.

"Please tell me you can put those back on after you do that…" Sakura looked down at the pants lying lifelessly on the ground as they were trod upon by other people looking for a good time.

"Well, sometimes." He turned his attention to a girl with her hair dyed an alarming shade of neon green who was sticking cash into his underwear. "Thanks babe." He looked back at Sakura. "There are some kinds that can, but mine don't."

Tenten rushed to her beloved Neji's side when she noticed she was down and shook her awake. Ino did the same with Hinata. You know, minus the beloved part. Because she loved Hinata, but not _that_ way. The bouncer, making the correct assumption that the whole party had arrived, beckoned them and lifted the velvet rope so they could enter as soon as the Hyuuga clan was conscious. The club was in full swing and Naruto escorted them to a table large in the corner large enough for all of them (picking up several more tips on the way). When they took their seats, Sakura spoke her mind to Naruto, who'd been about to go make his first trip to the bar.

"Seriously Naruto, I could deal with no shirt, but you gotta put some pants on." Sakura said as the blonde received an extremely generous donation from some scantily clad woman.

"Thanks for serving the First National Bank of Naruto. What was that, Sakura-chan?"

"Hey Naru-kun, let me borrow about fifteen hundred yen." Ino said.

"Sure thing." He pushed his pelvis forward and since she was closest to him, she had no trouble plucking a couple of bills out of the front and returning them to her wallet.

"_Naruto, put some fucking pants on!_" Sakura finally screamed, her patience utterly drained.

"Spoilsport." Naruto grumbled, but his mood lightened when someone he knew glomped him happily.

"Hey Naru-tan, you little manwhore, you!"

"Hey Raoul. Where's everyone at?" He asked, forgetting what Sakura had said yet again.

"Set said Isis would lynch him if there was a repeat performance of last year, so he's stuck at home because he doesn't want to risk it, but he sends his love and wishes you a happy birthday. Scar, Buddha, Jailbait, Red, and Specs are too high to go out. They discovered some new strain; I think it's called 'Oregon Glass' or something, I can't keep track of that shit. Meph is sick and so is Stephen. They're back at my place coughing up a storm, so I gotta go too. I just thought I'd drop in and say hi." She listed off the locations of their friends, using her fingers as she did so.

"Poor them… Mephistopheles almost never gets sick, so that's surprising. It's a bummer that everyone else couldn't come though." Naruto sighed as another bill was tucked into his waistband.

"I'm sorry, Naru. I told those jackasses not to do it on your birthday, but apparently Oregon Glass leaves you fucked for three days and they didn't know that when they smoked it." She looked over his shoulder at the bamboozled group. "At least you're not alone. You should never have to celebrate your birthday on your own and I know you hate that more than anyone else."

"Thanks for coming while you could. It means a lot to me." The blonde hugged the older ex-man and the gesture was returned.

"Kami, I can't believe that you're finally legal. It was only yesterday that you were a lonely little kid who ran to this district to get away from some assholes who were stoning you and now you're sixteen. I hope you get laid tonight."

Naruto cracked a smile, though he was hurt that his red light friends weren't here to party with him. "I hope everyone gets better soon."

"Oh yeah, I brought you what you need for this momentous day when you stop being jailbait." Raoul let go of Naruto and pulled a gift wrapped package out of her Gucci purse, presenting it to him. Feeling like a kid at Christmas, he ripped open the package to find a tube of AstroGlide, a new roll of condoms, and with the last thing Naruto pulled out, Sakura rejoiced because it was a pair of pants that were somewhat similar in appearance to his last one, though she doubted these would rip off if even if he tried.

"Thank you…" Naruto whispered softly as he began pulling the bills out of his underwear and started putting them in the pockets of the pants.

"Everyone else has gifts for you that they'll bring when they're not being pussies, getting stoned, or being sick. Naru-kun, you're like a little brother to us. We love you, you know?"

Though this was a moment that would be accentuated by a single tear rolling out of one of his eyes, it was interrupted by a drunken idiot Naruto vaguely knew who somehow figured out it was his birthday and needed to do the college custom. She had obviously been a frat boy before the swap. "Dude, sixteen shots in sixteen minutes. Dude, you gotta do it, dude."

Naruto tried to decline. "That's okay, I—"

The drunkard was already pushing a shot at him. "Dude, this is a Gorilla Fart. Dude, drink it."

"No, really, I'm not ready to—"

"Dude, you gotta. C'mon dude. Don't be lame, dude."

"I really—"

"Dude, stop being a gay little bitch and drink it."

That was the straw that broke the camel's back and would provide an extremely concrete answer for the readers who are _still_ confused about Naruto's sexuality. "I am bi, you motherfucking white trash shithead inbred waste of a human and I swear to Kami if you say dude one more motherfucking time, then I will shove a Rasengan up your fucking ass!"

That got her to shut up for a minute. But good things don't always last. "Bi is still gay, dude."

An extremely bloody scene follows, in which Naruto follows through with his promise, but we're going to skip ahead a bit because _of course_ you don't want to hear that! Raoul had left, not wanting to see a Rasengan get shoved up someone's ass and needing to take care of her sick friends anyway. Naruto dumped the groaning ex-boy near a table of extreme followers of the S&M religion to fend for herself and put on the pants before Sakura tried to beat him to death. Naruto waltzed to the bar and ordered a round of margaritas to get a nice buzz set in for his friends before they danced and that's where we'll start.

Naruto downed his easily, running his tongue over the salt coating the rim of the glass and sucking the pulp out of the lime before anyone had even considered touching theirs. "What's wrong?"

"Father will kill me…" Hinata muttered, knowing she couldn't come home with her breath reeking of booze and Neji nodded agreement. Sasuke, having no parents and very few inhibitions right about now, threw his back in a single go.

"Alright Sasuke!" Naruto cheered, high-fiving the raven tressed girl.

"…Just this once?" Hinata asked Neji.

"It shouldn't have much of an effect since it's only one." Which translated into 'sure, why the hell not?' They drank theirs and the others soon followed, Gaara the only one who wouldn't bend into drinking. She was afraid if she consumed liquor once, she'd end up like Tsunade.

They, some more steady than others, moved to the dance floor and tried to get their groove on. Neji and Hinata stood back at the edge of the floor, nodding their heads in time with the music. Sakura and Ino let loose and trying to grab the attention of Sasuke, but it wasn't making the cut for her. Tenten tried to dance for a couple seconds, felt like an idiot, and joined the Hyuuga clan on the sidelines, standing as close to Neji as possible without it being 'weird'. Gaara asked the bouncer if she would let her back in if she went out for a minute and got a yes, so she ran down to the bookstore (now barefoot) to get a book called the 'Icha Icha Encyclopedia' that she had seen on the way there. Sasuke was doing some dirty dancing with Naruto, but then again, so were half of the other girls on the floor. Naruto was dancing semi-casually as a bunch of strangers rubbed up against him like they were having an orgy, smirking as he watched a pack of girls get KO'd by Sasuke for trying to dance with him. She'd be useful for keeping them away, but some of those girls had been really pretty, so he'd have to have her to knock it off.

"So, dobe…" she purred as she sauntered his way, strobe lights pulsing in time with the music.

"Yes?"

"Wanna dance?"

"Ask me in fifteen drinks." He said as he grooved his way back over to the bar. Neji, spotting her opportunity, followed. Sasuke continued to beat down her competition and more or less anyone who even looked at Naruto.

Neji took the seat beside Naruto, the blonde going through ten drinks in a flash. She wasn't sure what she should say, but he broke down that barrier for her. He pounded his hand on the bar to get the bartender's attention and cleared his throat before he spoke with surprisingly unslurred words.

"I'd like a pint of Jack and give my friend here a Tequila Sunrise."

She nodded in recognition of the order and went to go make it. Naruto turned to Neji and she could see that his eyes were glazing over ever so slightly, signifying that he was semi-drunk at this point. For him, it was hard to get a good buzz going because he had to drink a lot before Kyuubi cried uncle and stopped working as a detoxifier. Had Neji been a connoisseur of liquor, she would know that six of the ten things she'd seen him drink were one hundred and eighty proof vodka, which was about ninety percent pure alcohol. But she wasn't, so she didn't, so it didn't really matter all that much. In the lights of the club, the brunette looked more stunning than usual.

"I told Sasuke that I'd go dance with her after fifteen more drinks. I wanna be at least halfway drunk by then because it kills the awkwardness of me dirty dancing with my best guy friend." He explained.

"I see." She cast her eyes down and then glanced back at Naruto. "How many would it take for you to dance with me?"

"Not nearly as many. Maybe five. I don't know you as well as I know that bastard, so it's not like I'm doing it with anyone who knows any of my secrets and could use them as blackmail if I didn't." Naruto scratched his nose and welcomed the pint of Jack Daniels that had been delivered to him just like he requested. Speedy service was always good in a bar.

Neji stirred the Tequila Sunrise with her finger and licked it, wanting this smidgen of alcohol to boost her confidence. She was about to ensure she didn't have to cut her hair. "So you think you're drunk enough to not care if I kissed you?"

"Say what?"

Their lips connected, Neji practically getting intoxicated from the remnants of drinks past on his mouth. She tightened her grip on his neck and he relaxed into the kiss, letting her do as she pleased. Neji was secretly thrilled. All that practicing with her hand and her pillow seemed to be paying off. She felt her heart tighten in excitement and her nipples harden when he tilted her head back so he could explore her mouth. Not at all a wet, sloppy kiss one usually gave when they were drunk(ish) and she found it rather pleasant. Like it started, it ended suddenly and leaving Neji wanting more.

"Got four more drinks to go through..." Naruto mumbled as he ordered more vodka, feeling he had provided Neji with enough fanservice to last the night.

It was and when he returned to the floor, just for the hell of it, he kissed Hinata and Tenten too, though they weren't as deep. Sasuke, however, was no longer there. Feeling good that Sasuke didn't want to dance, Naruto ordered a dragon's horde of drinks and consumed them before heading back to the table in hopes of striking up a conversation with Gaara, but when she arrived, the redhead had yet to return. She was standing in the shop reading her new book, plus she had forgotten how to get to the club anyway so she wasn't even going to bother.

"Hey dobe. What happened to my dance?"

"I was looking for you but you weren't there." Naruto said, a slight slur signaling that he was finally drunk. He plopped down across from Sasuke and closed his eyes, exhaling deeply through his nose as he tried to keep balanced mentally.

Within an instant, a weight had settled on his lap and he heard the '_zwwwiippp'_ of a zipper that was getting unzipped. There was a rustle of fabric and two arms twining themselves around his neck as a pair of perky breasts bumped against his chin, nipples grazing his Adam's apple. Lazily, he opened one eye to see a topless (though it wasn't like she had much of a top to start with) Sasuke straddling him once more. She spoke and it sounded like her voice was swimming through his head.

"Hey dobe, you know what they say about rabbits?"

He nodded dully, mind wandering to fluffy white baby bunnies. Sasuke would have none of this, so she dragged him back to reality. "I'm a bunny. I'm horny. Fuck me."

Trying to protest that this was his best friend and that they were both too intoxicated to make reasonable decisions, his logic said he could do anything _except_ fuck, especially if the receiving end was one of his friends. The other, currently more dominate side said, 'ah, screw it'. Since that other side made more sense right now, he figured it was right. He was drunk, had a present malfunction in the part of his brain that made him want to say no, and by now, he was getting a hard-on from Sasuke rubbing her tits in his face, so why not?

Tongue flicking out to swirl around one of her nipples, Naruto silently accepted Sasuke's request. Changing from tongue to teeth, he bit down as his hands snuck under her skirt and she tilted her head back to moan. Top hat unnoticed as it toppled off, he found that her panties could easily be removed because they were the type that you tied up when you had confidence in your knot making skills instead of the usual pull it up and go type that most girls preferred. Impatient beyond belief, she ground her hips against his and tried to unzip his pants as he unlaced her underwear. Though she had not completed her task, he finished his and the panties, which were black like the rest of her outfit, fell to the floor to be unnoticed and forgotten by the time they left. Moving both his hands upward, he squeezed her breasts and ran his tongue up her neck, ripping another moan from her soft lips. If he were to look back at this some day, he'd laugh and wonder what compelled him to want to have sex in the middle of a crowded bar full of people, some of whom were watching with avid interest.

He gave her a final lick, trying to undo his pants with one hand and slipping his other hand back between her legs. Without any prelude or caveat, he rammed three of his fingers inside her. Blood dripped onto his palm, but Sasuke had been blessed with a short first period and it was from her torn latticework hymen instead. If one was going by olden standards, Sasuke had officially lost her virginity. She tossed her head back and gave a lusty moan, using her dusky eyes to plead him to do it again, pushing her hips down to drag him deeper inside her. The moist warmth enveloped his fingers as he fumbled with his pants and fucked her with his hand. He probed about, searching for the spot that would set her off and when found it, she let him know.

"N-Naruto!" she moaned, writhing on his lap.

The blonde worked that spot until there was a constriction around his fingers and her body shuddered in an orgasm. Finally, they could move on to some more interesting things. He withdrew his hand from the dampness of the fleshy cave, finding his fingers to be coated in a viscous liquid that he wiped off on his pants, which he finally managed to unbutton. Eyes at half-mast, Sasuke slipped the pants down far enough so that she could try to release the creature throwing itself at the cloth cage that imprisoned it, but just as Naruto was about to get lucky, someone had to go and ruin his moment.

Sakura clocked him, put Sasuke's top back on, and dragged her off his lap as she mewled in want. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Cockblocker." Naruto muttered as he buttoned his pants back up, coming to the depressing realization that he most likely wasn't going to get any action tonight.

"I'm trying to keep you from doing something stupid." She leaned over and sniffed his breath. "You reek of alcohol. Where's Gaara?"

"I dunno. Why's it matter?"

"Because you're extremely drunk and need someone to take you home."

Naruto gave a booze saturated laugh. "If was extremely drunk, I wouldn't know who you were."

"I'm not going to discuss the individual levels of intoxication with you." She kept an arm around Sasuke's waist to prevent her from returning to Naruto, scanning the bar for Gaara. "Dammit, she went and left."

"If you can't find her, you could always take me back to my apartment. We could see how long it takes me to get you in bed." He laughed again, though Sakura was a very small millimeter away from beating him to death with the nearest blunt object.

"Seriously, you need to go home before you end up with alcohol poisoning." She counted off the pairs in her head. Hinata was sober enough to take Neji home and she herself planned on bringing Sasuke back to her house, which left Tenten or Ino to deal with Naruto, but she wasn't sure if the weapons mistress could handle him and she also didn't know where he lived, so that was another hitch in her plan. Ino, having discovered delight in margaritas, needed to be escorted home as well.

Like an angel sent from the heavens, Gaara arrived upon the scene, toting a hefty book. She wondered what she had missed while she'd been gone, but before she could even bother to ask, Sakura was asking her to take Naruto home before he did anything too stupid and so she, still barefoot, let the blonde sling his arm around her shoulder and they walked home, stopping for nothing except a big bottle that Naruto was full of something christened absinthe and she, not having a full comprehension of its contents, split it with him. Neither was really sure how they got home after that.

I0I0I0I0I

They staggered into the door at about eleven. They walked through the door after remembering they had to open it at eleven oh one. Gaara tried to let Naruto go, but he wasn't finished with her just yet. He numbly kicked off his shoes, leaning on her for support and dropped his pants so he could shuffle to bed. In the short distance from the door to the bed, they had the following conversation.

"Gaaaaraaaa…." Naruto slurred, stumbling over air.

"What?"

"I'm horrrnyyyyy…"

She merely nodded in response. This was why she didn't want to drink, still not knowing what was in the absinthe, though she later supposed that she should've presumed its contents.

"You knows what? Yous cute, y'know?" Getting nothing out of the redhead and now that they were at the side of the bed, he looked her dead in the eye. "Cute enuff to fuck…"

Gaara felt like gravity hit her with an extra hundred and thirty or so pounds when Naruto toppled onto her and they landed the bed, the strong legs of the blonde straddling her to ensure she'd stay still. A lightly calloused hand slid up her leg, sapphire eyes clouded over with the drinks he'd had, a sly smirk crossing his foxy features. Yeah, she'd do just fine.

I0I0I0I0I

When Naruto began to wake up the next morning, there were no problems. Then he went and realized the situation he was in, counting off the three major things that were wrong with this picture.

One, he had woken up with Gaara cuddled to his chest. _Asleep._

Two, they were both naked.

And three, he had that sense of dread in his subconscious one got when they did something they regretted the night after a party. His first impulse was to let a string of terrified curses to fly from his mouth. So much for fanservice saving him.

0o0

And thus we close… The big mysteries of the next chapter will be…

Did Naruto sleep with Gaara?

What happened to everyone else?

Why hasn't Kiba or any of the other less important characters had a significant role since chapter two?

Tune in next time to find out!

Anyway… I like this chapter quite a bit. Kind of. It made me realize how much of a writer I've become. Most of it was written in one afternoon, but I went to bed at ten, then woke up at two thirty five in the morning thinking 'I have an idea. Must finish chapter.' and that's when I wrote the last three pages. And to the real Scar, Buddha, Jailbait, Red, Specs, and Chocolate Chip, Godspeed to you wherever you are…

Show me some love in a comment and make the world a little bit brighter.


	6. The Consequences of Absinthe

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

Here we are, dear old friends… You and I, drunk again… :gets hit with a shoe:

Random People: You can't steal Stephen Lynch's song!

I know, I know… I don't own the song 'If I Were Gay' or the Naruto franchise, but if I did, I'd either be rather funny or rather famous.

0o0

Ch.6 The Consequences of Absinthe

0o0

First things first, no matter how much he was panicking, he had to wake up Gaara before Shukaku took over her body. Naruto lightly slapped her cheeks and when that didn't work, he pulled her into a sitting position and shook her furiously, screaming at her to wake up, fear sending his voice shooting up several octaves higher than its natural state. No, no, no! He couldn't have had sex with Gaara! There was a common unspoken rule among two people who were on fairly good terms with each other called the 'Don't Fuck Your Friends policy'. It basically spelled out the fine print in the title. But now he was in bed with his manhood hanging out for all to see and Gaara naked as a wild animal. Honestly, he wasn't surprised he was in the buff but there was no absolutely no reason for her to be and this led him back to the inevitable conclusion that he must've done the nasty with her. After four minutes of shaking, Gaara finally opened her eyes.

"Gaara! Gaara! Are you Gaara or Shukaku?"

She glowered at him with smoldering jade eyes, bedhead (or was it post-sex hair?) messy and falling across her face. "It's Gaara and you're giving me a headache. Please let me go and calm down."

Trying his best to do so, he let go of her and sat down, burying his face in his hands with a groan. Gaara was awake and not possessed, which was good, but he still needed an answer to his question. Kami above, it didn't matter if he did or didn't anymore, he just couldn't stand not knowing. A new idea occurred to him that terrified him more. If he did, what if he forgot to put a condom on and his aim with his little men was as good as it was with his kunai and she got pregnant? Of course he'd do the responsible thing if she wanted to keep it and raise it with the love and care it deserved, but he wasn't psychologically prepared for the stress of a baby! Teenagers weren't supposed to be parents! Gaara, feeling as unruffled and level-headed as ever, scratched an itchy spot between her breasts before asking why Naruto was upset. He was acting like he had done something horribly wrong.

He sucked up his courage and asked the question. "Gaara, tell me straight. Do you remember anything that happened last night?"

"I remember everything clearly until I had to walk you home and you gave me some disgusting drink. After that, it's hazy." She recalled being touched in certain ways that no other person had the guts to do. She also recalled how pleasurable it felt.

There was still hope, if only she could remember what happened when they got home. "Did we have sex?"

She paused, tilting her head up and to the right, trying to recollect. "I don't know."

It couldn't be. "…What?"

"I told you that I don't know." Gaara hated repeating herself.

Naruto couldn't keep his cool and longer, beginning to switch into a yelling voice. "How the hell could you forget something like that? Are you seriously telling me you don't know?"

Monotone and still under control of herself, she replied, "That's correct."

Naruto wrung his hands together, pacing back and forth as he tried to think. Something rubbery in nature squished under his toes. He glanced down. A blue condom was under his foot, the package it came in an inch away, but thankfully (or not so thankfully) it was unused. That threw him into another nervous frenzy. "Tell me what you do remember, starting from when we got back here."

"Um…" She tried to evoke the previous night from her memory. "We got back, you took off your pants and shoes, and I had to walk you over to the bed because you were incapable of standing on your own. Then you shoved me on the bed and—"

"Oh kami…" Naruto groaned again, hanging his head in shame.

"Please refrain from interrupting me. You pinned me on the mattress and started touching my legs. There was sand and… That's it."

"That's it? As in you don't remember anymore or as in that's all I did?" Perhaps this wasn't as bad as he thought. Maybe the sand had protected Gaara from his drunken sexcapades.

"No, I don't remember anymore except for you bit me and it was rather painful. See?" A dark red-purple mark lingered on her breast and Naruto dug his nails into his palm. He had hurt Gaara. Shukaku was probably pissed at him.

"How..." he tried to think of what to ask next. "How do you feel? Sore anywhere?"

Gaara shrugged, her breasts following the motion. "Not really."

Spreading her legs wide, she displayed her fuzzy red pubic hair to Naruto. What in the name of the gods was she doing? The blonde turned crimson as she probed around her nether regions, seeming to be looking for something but not able to find it. He wondered if girls usually did that sort of thing. This brought about the question of whether girls masturbated or not, which they _totally_ didn't, not ever. That's never for all those incompetent people out there. A girl masturbating was like a girl farting. It didn't happen.

"See if my hymen is ripped. In the Icha Icha books, the virgin women bleed when they have sex because of that."

Surely she did not just suggest what he thought she did. "I don't even know what that looks like. Vaginas are too complicated for me to know all the things that go on down there. You've got about fifty different parts. And besides, there are two things you're forgetting. Those books are a load of crap—don't glare at me, it's an acquired taste, I guess—and not all women have a hymen."

"But the Icha Icha books say—"

"I do _not_ care what the books say." Naruto growled, wondering why the only one who wanted to know happened last night was him.

Having had her favorite book series insulted, Gaara got up and had the decency to pull on some underwear. The bra was of less importance because she did not yet know the horror of saggy boobs. Naruto wondered where the things she had been wearing last night had disappeared to. He highly doubted that the Kazekage was a card-carrying member of the Freeballers of the Shinobi Nations. Briefly, the blonde had been an affiliate, but he couldn't get used to the chafing that came along with some of his clothing. Looking over the floor of the apartment, he found her panties. They were literally _ripped to shreds_. Like a beast with very sharp claws had a vivid interest in what had been beneath them. Her bra was on the other side of the room, the clasps bent and the front torn apart when (and this was his assumption) he couldn't get it open from the back and went through the easy way. In a weird sort of way, Naruto felt like a detective. Except this wasn't a case he was enjoying solving. No, he was scared.

"Hey, Gaara-kun…"

She ignored him. Still pissed about the book thing.

"Gaara-kun, can I talk to you about something important?"

If it was important, then perhaps it would be a good idea to listen. Naruto generally didn't act serious, even around her. "What?"

He fidgeted, trying to think of the right words to say. "If… If we did, y'know… And you got… Um… Pregnant… Would you want to keep the baby?"

What a curious question. "Why?"

"I mean, it's your body and your choice, but I just wanted to know… I'd be totally fine if you wanted to get an abortion, so I'm not saying I really _want_ you to keep it, but…" He groaned in frustration at his slow tongue.

Gaara shrugged neutrally. Children weren't exactly high on her list of desires. In fact, she was pretty sure they weren't on there at all. Besides, she wasn't quite certain if she'd bill Naruto as a good father. He had his moments, but that wasn't a plunge that she'd risk taking to find out. And kids were, ugh… She didn't even want to think of it. As a Kazekage, she'd been forced to oversee a birth once and it was single-handedly the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen. Seeing a head coming out of a body in an alien manner like that could fuck a person up, especially a man. But even if she went past the excruciating pain, morning sickness, and constant bathroom urges, things came back to the prospect of the father.

"If you're into that pro-life stuff, then I promise I'll stay by you and help raise it. Can't just run around getting people pregnant when they're drunk, spreading my spawn throughout Konoha and not answering for them." He gave a small smile, meaning every word he said.

Gaara appraised him with her jade eyes. Maybe she was wrong about Naruto's capabilities as a parent. And he did have a voice that was good enough for singing lullabies.

I0I0I0I0I

"Naruto, I'm thrilled you want to talk to me and all, but I have one teeny question." Sakura pinched her fingers together to show how small it was. Might as well have been microscopic, that's how small it was. Almost nonexistent, in fact.

"I'm all ears." Naruto said, holding her gaze to show that he was listening. Girls liked it when guys paid attention to them.

"Why are we in a strip club?" Simple enough question, she figured. And indeed, it was.

"Two reasons. First, who would follow us into a strip club?" he held up one finger and added another when he made his next excellent point. "Second, I get to see nice boobies."

"You're a fucking pig, you know that?" she gave him the standardized 'you're disgusting look' number one that all women learned from their parents. It was the epitome of the evil eye family of looks.

Sakura, like most women, didn't understand the magnificence of strip clubs. Everyday losers such as Naruto could ask a beautiful woman if she'd like a drink in a regular club and she'd give them a look like they were made of maggot infested dog shit. Most of the time, they couldn't even get halfway across the bar before she turned her attention elsewhere. Sakura didn't understand that women were more actively hounded after than men. The wonderful thing about gentleman's clubs was that a line of women would swarm a man upon his entrance and he'd get a taste of what most women did. He could sit down, order a drink, and have the most gorgeous girl come up to him to ask him if he wanted a dance. And he had the scintillating pleasure of saying no. That was the wonder of strip clubs.

"You wouldn't complain if it was a male strip club, would you?" He raised an eyebrow, challenging her train of thought. He wouldn't complain either, but that was an issue for another time.

"…That'd be totally different. You wanna go?" She seemed excited at the prospect of male 'exotic dancers'. The dissimilarities between male and female strippers were vast. From the style of dancing, to the clothing, and to the fact that most male strippers were gay, it was like two parallel worlds.

"How quickly you forget about the swap…" Naruto muttered as a brunette woman bent over and asked him if he'd like a dance. "No, but thank you very much. Tell your son I said hi. Hey, you know what, here." He fumbled for his blue wallet (which could be used whenever he felt like it except for Wednesday) and gave her five thousand yen. She gave a toothy smile and tucked it away for safe keeping, hoping that he'd end up happier than she was.

Sakura was giving him one of _those_ looks. It was the 'tell me what the fuck is going on' look number twelve.

"Her husband is an asshole who drinks too much, won't get a job, gambles away her money, and she uses her sick days when he beats her and she has bruises that customers would notice. I've offered to kill him free of charge, but she's still hoping that he'll come around." Naruto explained, chakra spiking during his spiel. "Wouldn't have guessed that, would you?"

"That's horrible…"

"All these girls have a story. Most people don't up and one day decide that they're going to be a stripper for nearly every night of their lives. At least half of the staff has either been or still is addicted to drugs, a fourth is single moms who have another job, and then we have an influx of people who think they just want to try it out for fun."

Swapping the topic for something that was hopefully less morbid, she queried, "So, what was it you wanted to talk about?"

"Hey, is that my favorite customer I see?"

Gods above, would people stop interrupting them? "And who's this, Naruto?"

Naruto hugged the woman with mouse brown hair, nuzzling his face into her HHH cup chesticles. "Sakura-chan, this is Lise."

Sakura stared at the milkbags, unable to tear her eyes away from them. "It's nice to meet you."

"So you're the cute little Sakura-chan Naruto was telling me about."

"I guess…" Sakura figured that Lise could probably kill a cat with her nunga-nungas.

"I've known her for a long time." Naruto noted without removing his face from the gargantuan melons.

"How interesting…" Actually, Lise could probably kill anything with her moon balloons.

"She's super duper nice. You should get together and talk sometime."

"I'd love to hang with your Sakura-chan!"

"Sounds fun…" Lise could probably take over the world, she was Titzilla.

Titzilla—I mean, Lise—noticed where Sakura's eyes were. "Oh these? Yeah, people always seem to see that first. I got a great surgeon. If you ever want to go do something, then tell Naruto and he'll pop on over here and let me know."

She ruffled Naruto and Sakura's hair before leaving them to their machinations. Third time would be a charm. She was set on that. When a woman was hell-bent on finding something out, by the gods, she would! Consecutively the most endearing and most annoying trait of a woman, the nosiness could always find out any secret that a man could have, true or not.

"You seemed worried. What's wrong?"

Naruto lost the euphoria of hooter heaven and was yanked back down to earth. "Promise not to tell?"

"What is it now? Did you kill a prostitute or something?"

Naruto was offended beyond imaginable belief. "Sakura, most of the prostitutes around here are my friends. I'd never do that."

"Whatever. Tell me what's going on."

He couldn't pussyfoot around the issue any longer. "I might've had sex with Gaara last night. How can you tell if you did?"

"You _slept_ with _Gaara?_" Cue creepy slasher film violin sound and 'WTF' look number eight.

He raised his hands in personal defense, not wanting to get smacked again. One hundred and twenty eight brain cells were forever lost every time she did it. With the way things were going now, he'd be retarded by the time he was thirty. "I don't know if I did!"

"Well I don't know the signs and symptoms of 'I slept with one of my friends who happens to be the ruler of an entire nation and could kill me as easily as blinking'. Why don't you ask Jiraiya?"

"You called?" Sakura was completely unsurprised. She figured he'd be hanging out at one of these joints. Enjoying the Lise treatment, she assumed. The assumption was correct.

Finally, a messenger who could help him decode the mystery! "Hey ero-sennin. I need to talk to you."

Jiraiya joined their table, shooing away the girls following him for his money. Yeah, bet that's a sentence you never thought you'd ever read. "What's up?"

Sakura cut directly to the point with a mighty blade of admant. "He slept with Gaara."

"I said I _might_ have slept with her, I don't know yet!" Naruto corrected her, turning to Jiraiya with his full-blown puppy eyes prepared to bend him to his will. "You're an old pervert, you know what happens after people have sex, right?"

"They usually smoke a cigarette and go to sleep." Everyone knew that. Even the nonsmokers did that. Seriously.

"No, I meant, what are signs?"

Jiraiya thought of all the books he'd written and began to speak again. "Bruising, soreness, unusual sense of gratification if you did things right, desperate shame if you didn't, possible destruction of clothing… Did either of you wake up in handcuffs, chains, leather straps, or any other form of bondage?"

"No." He thought it would be okay if he didn't mention the obliterated panties.

"How about sex toys? Were there any of those?" Jiraiya snuck out his little notepad, prepared to write at a moment's notice.

"No."

"Pity. That would've made excellent story material." Jiraiya shook his head to say that he supposed things like this couldn't be helped.

"You dirty old bastard! I'm not going to ask you for any more help!" Naruto huffed, leaving Sakura and Jiraiya in the strip club.

When women started asking Sakura if she wanted a lapdance, she really wished Naruto would've taken her with him. Yes, the women were extremely attractive, but she wasn't into _that._ She _could_, considering their current circumstances, but the concept wasn't exactly something that she was keen on. Moments after leaving, Naruto was wishing that he had brought her with him too.

I0I0I0I0I

Broad daylight is not usually the time when people get dragged into alleyways. But Naruto was the sort of person who could get into these predicaments without knowing how. On a side note, he didn't know that muggers could do their jobs naked. Taken hostage when he walked out of the club, a canvas sack had been tied over his head, a pair of belts rendered his arms and legs useless, and he was currently being hefted to some unspecified location. Unless someone had seen the crime and for once not figured it to be a kinky couple's thing, he was probably going to get raped, robbed, etc. Pretending to be unconscious was working well so far and he'd yet to feel a knife inserted into his colon.

To pass the time, he sang a song called 'Distance' inside his head. Though it was hidden with an upbeat tempo, the lyrics were actually kind of depressing. The first time he heard it, he'd cried. Not manly, but it was the truth. The concept of the song was similar to 'Blue Bird', though not nearly as blatant. There were two best friends and one betrayed the other and it was told from the betrayed one's point of view. 'Blue Bird' was scathing and serious, a simple bird flying through a world of swirling chaos, while 'Distance' was more hopeful and sneaky about its message, smiling as they held blades at each other's throats. One of the main lines was about how the betrayed friend still dreamed about the other, remembering all the plans they'd had for their lives together. He wondered what he'd do if that ever happened to him. But enough about music.

You might wonder how Naruto knew his captor was naked. Well, that sort of thing was pretty easy to figure out when the bag finally got pulled off while they were in some abandoned building. He felt a musty old bed that'd been sitting in the building for several lonely months yielding under his back as he met his subjugator.

Somehow, he wasn't all that surprised.

Those crazy hormones that'd started flaring up ever since the day all this crap had happened were kicking in again. "Sasuke, what are you doing?"

"Finishing what we started last night." She purred like the sultry sex kitten she was, licking her lips in a tantalizing manner. She looked completely thrilled at the idea of eating him. And not in the cannibal way either.

Gods in heaven, how many encounters had he had last night? "And um… What would that be?"

Sasuke pulled Naruto's pants down to his ankles, undoing the strap briefly to let them be removed completely. Full moon breasts, not quite as large as Gaara's, but still a decent size, were given a softened look in the weak daylight coming in from the broken windows. Sasuke had painted them (the windows, not her breasts) black to eliminate unnecessary illumination. Slut she may be, but at least she was prepared. Kunai blade sharp, she cut the cloth layer that separated her from his chest.

"What do you think?" Sasuke dropped the kunai beside her, taunting Naruto by leaving it mere millimeters away from the farthest he could reach. She leaned down to whisper in his ear, accentuating her words with sharp nibbles to his lobe. "Silly little Sakura had to go and ruin everything…"

Please Sakura, come in and make history repeat. "Think about it logically. If we do this and you go back to your male form, then you'll hate me."

"I don't think that's going to happen any time soon."

Understanding that he was stuck here, he did the manliest thing he could possibly do in this situation. He screamed like a girl of the age of six and fought against the restraints, determined to rip himself from the bed. "Rape! Rape! Don't let Sasuke-teme rape meeeee!"

She smothered the howls with her lips. She wouldn't let him escape and she definitely wouldn't let him forget what she intended on doing to him. He could fuck a hundred girls after this, but he'd _never_ forget her. In the same situation with their positions reversed, Naruto would probably be thinking the same thing, though his plan involved roman candles, a guitar, and a pair of cleats. Partially terrified and totally turned off, Naruto wasn't being very useful. Sasuke stuffed the semi-clean sock she'd worn about an hour ago into his mouth, informing him that she'd take it out when he was cooperative. Ropes replaced the belts as she tied his hands to the headboard and his feet to the footboard. This was because it sounded silly to tie his hands to the footboard and his feet to the headboard. She only had to check the knots once, which scared him that much more. Sasuke knew what she was doing. He would've been more comforted if she had triple checked them, but no, she was confident. Had Naruto been a regular person without shinobi training, he would've pissed himself. For the most part, men raped women. Not the other way around.

Sasuke read his mind (metaphorically, not literally) and tutted. "It's not like that at all. You'll enjoy."

"Mmphh mmmffffphhph, mpphffhh!" ("Let me go, you crazy rapist!")

"Sorry. I don't speak muffled." Sasuke smirked, having a fairly good idea of the message he was trying to get across. "Let's get you warmed up, shall we?"

"Mmphhmmm! Mphmmm! _Mmmmmphmmff!" _(Translation not available. Please insert twenty five cents.)

She didn't waste much time getting to business, peeling the cerulean boxers he'd been wearing off to take his limp manhood in hand. Having been a boy herself, Sasuke knew exactly how to give a decent hand job, drawing blood down to where it rightfully belonged. Naruto craned his neck a bit to watch what was going on, figuring this might not turn out to be so bad after all. He really did wish she would use her mouth though. It was there for a reason.

Desired audience caught, Sasuke stroked the shaft lovingly one last time before engulfing it whole. White pleasure overran Naruto's vision as he felt himself slip into her gullet, teeth scraping lightly against his sensitive flesh. There were some small slurping noises that were kinda disgusting, but he felt too good to care. Something about watching a girl go down on him made all other things seem null. It was a known fact that blood from the brain went directly to the penis, thus depriving logic or coherent trains of thought. Struggling was no longer a wise idea or an action he wanted to do. If he tried to run, Sasuke could easily ensure that he'd never pee or fuck again.

Maybe he could learn a thing or two from this experience. Such as to never leave a strip club alone or that if he wanted head, all problems of that nature should be brought to Sasuke. She had yet to gag or complain and had kindly eliminated the sock in the mouth, tossing it on the floor. Sasuke pulled back, swirling her tongue around the head as she stroked the thick vein that pulsed on the underside of his manhood with the gentlest phantom touches. Getting some tips from an Icha Icha book (the fever was catching, although there was some practice with a bunshin of Naruto), Sasuke swallowed Naruto again and hummed out his name, the vibrations running up his cock as she continued to suck. Eyes rolled back in his head, Naruto couldn't believe he'd been missing out on this for years.

"Nnnh, Sasuke…" Naruto moaned, defying everything the authoress ever thought she'd write.

Being a tease, Sasuke drew her mouth back and smirked. "You want it for real?"

Naruto nodded, glancing up at the ropes. Those would throw a hitch into things. Unless Sasuke wasn't seriously considering… A devilish smile slid onto her face as she rubbed her heated and ready womanhood just above the spot that she would soon be dominating. So wonderfully naïve… He hadn't even considered the possibility a girl could be on top. Parting her lips, her tongue poked out at Naruto playfully as a throwback to their XY rivalry of not too long ago.

"Hey teme, could you undo the ropes?"

After the massacre of her clan, Sasuke had some unresolved separation issues that were deciding to show up at this unfortunate time. "Are you going to run away?"

"Why would I?"

"Everyone leaves me… My parents, my brother…" Playing the depressed maiden card, she bowed down to lap at the slit atop his head, trying to seem like she'd lost the gung-ho will to perform the act. Knowing Naruto the way she did, he'd play right into her hands.

"I never knew you were so lonely…" Maybe Sasuke had an idea of how badly he'd felt all these years. "I'll stay, but do you really need the ropes?"

'_**Who cares if you're tied up? Go for it, kit.'**_ The fox seemed raring for Naruto to copulate vigorously with the girl.

'…_Why do I suddenly have a very bad feeling about that?'_

'_**I have no idea…'**_ The fox chuckled timidly. _**'Just go ahead. Pretend I'm not even here.'**_

'…_Kyuubi, did…Nah, that's ridiculous…'_

That was simply a ridiculous conspiracy theory. Kyuubi couldn't possibly have anything to do with why women were throwing themselves at his feet like they were prostitutes and he was the king of the world. Kyuubi would _never_ do anything to put Naruto in a harem-like situation.

Claws trickled down his chest, the white lotus blossoms he'd painted on them merely a few days previous digging lightly into his flesh. No gashes, but prominent red marks where a thin layer of the epidermis had been removed. She gave an uncertain look, like she wasn't sure if she should commence with the sex or untie Naruto to let him go. Feeling bad for the abandonment issues that were partly true and partly crafted, Naruto gave her a look that said, 'I'll stay'.

Unbeknownst to Naruto, Sasuke was amused deep inside. Too damn predictable. Her movements were coy, playing with the kunai she'd picked back up as if toying with the idea of letting him be free. Giving a small laugh, she tossed the kunai aside, it clinking as it skidded across the floor. Learning to tease him came almost naturally. Sadism was in her blood. She hoped Naruto was a masochist.

"What the hell are you doing?"

Discovering that Sakura the cockblocker was standing in the doorway, Sasuke cursed, wishing she hadn't thrown the kunai away. If she hadn't, then Sakura the cockblocker wouldn't be an issue any longer. Perhaps having the lecherous Jiraiya watching them copulate while taking notes would be odd, but it could be ignored. Considering the situation, she figured it be best to retreat temporarily. She glanced down at Naruto and mouthed that they'd finish this later before she decided to shunshin away. Being the concerned girl she was, Sakura ran over, completely ignoring Naruto's pulsing erection and cut him free. In a flash, he had his pants up and managed to get his blood flow under control. Opting to give Sakura an innocent look, he managed to spare himself a beating that would have been life-threatening and merely got a good wallop on the head.

"Pray tell, young one, but why'd you stop them?" An extremely good idea for a story had been birthed in Jiraiya's tainted old mind, but Sakura had to ruin things for him as well.

"Stupid old pervert preying on situations to write your depraved garbage." She was glad she had Naruto radar (and the assistance of some very helpful bystanders) or else she never would've found him. Deeming the upper half of Naruto's clothing beyond repair, she tossed it out. Filthy, filthy Icha Icha books were spawning out of Jiraiya's head as she spoke. "Go find somewhere else to hang out and buy yourself a chastity belt while you're at it, Naruto. If you keep this up, you'll have a harem of beautiful women petting you like a purebred Siamese. Don't act happy, they're all whores like you."

He pouted impudently. "Jeez, Sakura-chan, hurt my feelings why don't you?"

Kicking him in the spine solved any pouting problems. Limping out with an ache in his back, Naruto wondered when and where Sasuke wanted to meet up. Melted into the shadows, two figures watched the Kyuubi container and flickered their presence so that they'd arrive at his house before he did. They figured it was nigh time to introduce themselves.

And perhaps give a few sexual pointers.

I0I0I0I0I

The last thing Naruto expected to see when he walked in the door of his home was Gaara getting molested on _his_ bed. The molesters were two unusually handsome boys who by appearance seemed to be seventeen. The one who was sitting behind Gaara had short black hair and garnet eyes, wearing patches of leather from head to toe and at the moment was squeezing Gaara's breasts almost abusively. There'd be plenty of bruises to answer for later. The other was a blonde with silver eyes and was wearing a three piece suit with a blue dress shirt, dragging his tongue down her bellybutton. Gaara arched her back, her legs tucked beneath her as they started to fall asleep, panties long gone, feeling lightheaded and unable to prevent them from taking her over. There was a certain je ne sais pas aura around them that was inexplicably making her feel extremely sexually aroused. She licked two of her fingers on her right hand, maneuvering them past the blonde assailant, and stoking the overly sensitive lips between her thighs. Kami in heaven, this felt good!

Naruto did what came to him instinctively. He hauled off and punched both of the bat-winged boys. Realizing that maybe they should keep their hands off of _that_ girl, they stood up, bowing politely to apologize. Arrow-tipped tails flicking behind them, they shuffled their cloven hooves as they waited for whatever punishment they would be dealt. Naruto prepared to go full-on Spanish Inquisition on them. The amount of torture would be debatable, as he was a shinobi and usually didn't have to resort to such brute tactics.

"Let's lay down some ground rules. First off, no molesting. Second, no touching Gaara. Period. I don't care if she liked it, that's just wrong."

"I can't give her oral?" the silver eyed one asked innocently.

"Absolutely not, you fucking pervert! Who the hell do you think you are to even_ consider_ that?" Naruto's eyes flashed red and he imagined that the conversation between Jiraiya and Sakura must've been like this when he'd left. Actually, that's how any conversation with Jiraiya went.

"We're incubi. We're demons that specialize in having sex with women while they sleep, pfpth." said the one who'd yet to speak.

"So… No oral?"

"Dammit, no oral!" Naruto screamed in a voice that was heard throughout half the apartment complex. In the back of his mind, he made a note to tell Sasuke he wanted some oral later. Hypocritical, yes, but it was something that needed to be said to ensure the safety of the Kazekage.

"You mean you don't have to be in love to have sex?" Gaara asked, able to think clearly now that the nimble hands of her seducers were no longer touching her.

"Of course not, pfpth. Where'd you get that ridiculous notion, pfpth?" the incubus wearing the leather scoffed.

"Don't go getting any ideas!" Naruto snapped at his redheaded friend.

"You want oral?" The blonde asked, batting his eyelashes in a very Naruto-like manner.

"No, she does not want oral! Gaara, don't look at me like that, I'm trying to watch out for you. These things will leave you broken and crying, you hear me?"

"Hey asshole, we incubi know we don't have the best track record, pfpth. No need to rub it in our face, pfpth." The brunette grumbled, stomping his hoof on the floor of the apartment.

"Gaara, fight him! Kami above, give me strength…" Naruto grabbed the silver eyed incubus by the back of his suit, pulling him away from Gaara's widespread legs.

The garnet eyed incubus leapt to his friend's rescue. "Don't touch Shaymin, pfpth!"

"Arceus, why doesn't he want us touching her?"

Naruto finally couldn't take it anymore and began accessing Kyuubi's chakra to make his cloak. One tail was enough for these jokers. "You touch Gaara and I will ensure you die a slow, painful death. Understand?"

"Yes sir…" They both muttered, Arceus adding a 'pfpth' at the end.

The incubi pulled to the side for a 'secret' conversation that Naruto had no trouble hearing at all.

"So she's his bitch, Arceus?" Shaymin asked, putting his overwhelming desire to give oral aside momentarily.

"Looks that way, pfpth."

Naruto was getting fed up with this situation. "What do you want? Why are you here?"

Shaymin was supremely confused. "Didn't the master tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"We're watching you and all your bitches to make sure you mate, pfpth. Master said that if he ever got sealed that we were supposed to follow around his container and make sure that he made lots of babies, pfpth. Wants to keep his genes alive, pfpth." Arceus wondered why the blonde didn't know this.

'_Kyuubi? Be a dear and come talk to me…'_

As Naruto delved into the fox's den, Kyuubi paced his cage nervously. _**'I have no idea what they're talking about.'**_

'_Your old buddies came all this way to make sure I get people pregnant with your heirs and you don't know what I'm talking about?'_ Naruto gave the infamous heavenly-hell smile, the smile that was so sweet but utterly petrifying that it could get anyone to do even the most ridiculous request.

'_**Well, I didn't know that it'd be you… I figured I'd get stuck with some geezer who couldn't get it up, so they were my plan B…'**_

'_If they're plan B, then why are they here?'_ He pointed at the end of the tunnel to his real world line of vision. Shaymin was giving hungry looks at Gaara. Arceus was admiring her as well. They were probably about to jump her again. That could only be done so many times before he snapped and ripped their faces off. He shot them a warning look and hoped it'd be enough to put off another attack momentarily. Since Shukaku was being a lazy useless bastard as usual, he doubted that the sand would protect her.

Naruto wasn't feeling his ultimate dream. That wasn't good. _**'Come on kit! Spread your wild oats! You could have almost all of Konoha pregnant by next week if you tried!'**_

'_I'm not tempted to jump on the bandwagon. I like kids, but not __**that**__ much.'_

Time for a counterattack._** 'Okay, I have to admit it.'**_

'_What?'_

'_**I honestly thought you'd be a bigger man than this. All talk and no show. You're too afraid of mating to even try.'**_

'_I could totally—Wait a minute…You're trying that reverse psychology on me, aren't you?'_

'_**No.'**_ The fox lied through his fangs.

'_Yes you are!'_

'_**Come on kit! Do it for me! Don't you love me? Look at Gaara, she's curious! She's read so many of those Icha Icha books that she wants to attempt the real thing!'**_ He goaded, rolling his claws over the stone.

'_Try it? Does that mean we didn't—'_

Kyuubi interrupted before the blonde's hopes rose too high. _**'Kit, I was passed out. How would I know? You drink too damn much.'**_

'_You realize that if I do have sex, I'm going to put on about four condoms to ensure your ridiculous plot never succeeds.'_

'_**They've already dealt with that.'**_ Kyuubi chuckled. Naruto quickly overturned his entire apartment. All his Magnums were gone. Even the ones he'd gotten last night. _**'Don't bother going to the store either. They're all out.'**_

'_You bastard. Are you thinking of the consequences at all? I hope you're paying for child support.'_

'_**Demons don't care about child support.'**_

'_Then the few that don't starve to death will live malnourished, depressed lives or be miserable every day they have to breathe before they kill themselves. They'll hate you.'_ Naruto wanted to get under Kyuubi's skin and he was succeeding.

'_**Uh…'**_

'_I can see them asking me, 'Daddy, why can't we have new clothes? Why don't we have enough to eat? Why does mommy always cry?' And I'll say, 'It's because daddy has a tightwad demon inside him who doesn't want to take care of you even though he's the reason why you exist.'_

'_**You're a horrible person, you know that?'**_

'_I'm__ the horrible one?'_

'_**Sending a demon on a guilt trip is nearly impossible but you did it without a second thought.'**_ It took a special type of human to do that.

'_Considering my situation, that may be good.'_

'_**Keep a rein on the incubi, by the way. They're created from rabbits and strong sexual desires.'**_

'_Why would I need to--?'_ He took another look at reality.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted at Shaymin, who was currently licking Gaara's clitoris. "What'd I tell you? Get away!"

"Sorry. I forgot." Shaymin mumbled as he shuffled back to Arceus' side.

"Forgot, my ass. You okay Gaara?"

"Is it wrong for him to be doing that?" The sensation had felt familiar somehow.

"It depends on your point of view. Sex can either be a casual affair, but it's primarily for two people who care about each other."

"Or for pleasure, pfpth. It's better that way because there're no messy emotional threads, pfpth."

"Would you shut up?" Realizing he could get to the bottom of the happenings of the last week or so, he changed his mind. "You know what, I changed my mind. Let's talk about everything that's gone on behind my back, shall we?"

They protested by holding their hands up to say that they knew nothing. "Kyuubi-sama could probably answer that."

'_Kyuubi, how do I make everything go back to normal?'_

He sighed, ears drooping. _**'Well, we have to go over everything that's happened for you to understand. First of all, your eyes are enchanted.'**_ Sensing the upcoming question, he continued circling around in his dirty cage. _**'If I tell you, can you redecorate? I'm getting tired of the underground motif.'**_

'_Fine. What do you have in mind?'_

'_**A palace would be nice.'**_

They instantly stood in a massive, high-ceilinged building with the works. An ornate fountain spewed water, an oriental rug adorned the floor beneath Kyuubi's giant golden throne, and high Grecian pillars lined the walls, exotic plants peeking out between them. A long Gothic quatrefoil dining table piled high with dishes from places around the world stretched from the base of the steps before the throne almost to the entry door. Stone lions guarded the front entrance. There was a bookshelf behind the throne lined with the classics of the human world and the epics of the demon world, which had he opened one, were filled with the Arabic-style script of beasts such as him. Kyuubi tapped an obelisk with his claw. The entire thing was high quality, from the ramparts to the rooms. Who knew the kid had such an eye for detail? Naruto crossed his arms.

'_Done.'_

'_**Can I have servants and a harem?'**_ He couldn't wait to see what the kit could do with that.

'_You'll have to earn those. Answers first, personal gratification later. Why is everyone acting so crazy?'_

'_**Like I said before, your eyes are enchanted. These two morons—'**_

Naruto gave a wry smile. _'Aren't you calling yourself a moron by extension? You're the one who's been ordering them around behind the scenes.'_

'_**Shut up kit. Anyway, there are pheromones mixed in with your tear ducts.'**_

'_You mean like when animals want to mate?'_

'_**Precisely. They're incubus pheromones, so when you look into a girl's eyes, she'll want to sleep with you almost immediately. That is, unless she's in love. You know how your instructors say that there's energy everywhere? Well, love is energy too. It has its own waves and everything. People who love strongly enough automatically create mental guards against things like that. There's substantial power. Males generally don't create these types of barriers as easily, so they're more susceptible to the eyes. The only thing is that they'd have to be girls for it to work. Succubus eyes would work just fine on a male, but they can't get pregnant. So to maximize the possibilities…'**_ He motioned for Naruto to fill in the blank as he sat back on his shining throne.

'_You turned them all into girls.'_

'_**Exactly.'**_

'_How do I fix that?'_

'_**I… Uh… I don't really know.'**_ He chuckled shamefacedly.

'_What do you mean you don't know?'_ Somehow, this conversation felt familiar.

'_**It's not like I was planning on changing my mind anytime soon.'**_

'_You have to! Konoha is losing revenue because no traders want to come here. They think it's a disease and there's only so much money to circulate through the community. Your stupid scheme is going to level Konoha to a depraved new world.'_

'_**Kami, stop yelling at me! Go ask Cresselia, she's the one who made the original spell.'**_

'_Who's that?'_

'_**She's one of the only succubae I know. Technically, I'd rather recommend you to Tomoseibetsu but she's been sealed up for ages.'**_

'_Where does she live?'_ He wished he had something to write on.

'_**She moves around a lot. Incubi and succubae can't stay in a single place for an extended amount of time. Their desires aren't something they can idly turn on and off.'**_

'_What'd happen if they stopped having sex?'_

'_**They'd be dead after a week. Sometimes they move in pairs if they're going to a new location so they seem less suspicious and in case of an emergency. Let's take these idiots for example. Say Arceus gets severely injured. He can't go to a human doctor, his magic is shot, and he's out in the wilderness waiting to heal. If Shaymin is with him, then he can have some necessary sex. I wouldn't doubt that's happened before. It explains Shaymin's fixation on oral.'**_

Figuring there must be an efficient way to contain them, he asked, _'Is there any way to bind them into a contract. I don't want—what's their names—Arceus and Shaymin running around without supervision.'_

'_**I can manage that.'**_

Naruto listened quietly before returning himself to reality. He made a series of hand signs and grabbed both incubi by the throat. A black band seared itself around them as they struggled against his grip. When he let them go, they collapsed to the ground. That had really hurt quite a bit.

"Try touching Gaara." He commanded Shaymin, who reached his hand out tentatively to feel her thigh. Now to see how well these worked… "Abstain."

Shaymin writhed on the floor in pain, the collar burning white against his skin. He clawed at it to no avail, but the effect only lasted a few seconds anyway.

Arceus understood how things were. "You contracted us, pfpth?"

"Yes."

"So you'll hurt us if we try to sleep with your bitches, pfpth?"

"That's right. You are dismissed."

The incubi gathered their energies to twist space and vanished in what normal people may deem as magic, but Über nerds knew it was called a wrinkle in time. (The umlaut was being stubborn…) It was like they hadn't come in without permission, molested Gaara, and then got a stern talking to before being contracted into Naruto's service.

The blonde turned to Gaara, who was starting to get used to lounging around in the nude. "…So… What do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

"Read Icha Icha." She replied evenly.

"Of course." Naruto muttered, an anime sweatdrop forming at the back of his head.

"You should try reading some."

"If you insist."

Gaara handed him 'Icha Icha Dear', reserving 'Icha Icha Angel' for herself. Naruto sat cross-legged on the bed, numbly pretending to read the porn. The story seemed stupid until he decided to give it a shot and started over. He was shocked to find that Gaara was right; the books were well written and for a moment, he was lost to the plot. Gaara interrupted that by serving as an extremely good distraction. She had started panting, so he glanced over to see what she was up to. Still reading (apparently an erotic part), her nipples had hardened into nubs as she stimulated herself with her fingers. The blissful feeling she'd had with the incubi had returned and Naruto stared on dumbfounded. Girls _did_ masturbate. Feeling this to be an appropriate time to pop in, his manhood rose to the occasion as Naruto gawked at the naked body.

"W-what are you doing?"

"Enjoying myself." She stated like it was obvious.

Naruto was enjoying as well, but this had to end. "Why?"

She remembered another snatch of the previous night. "You did this to me and I like it."

"I did?"

"Yes."

Tempted as he was to do it again, he restrained himself. Gaara was his friend and he was determined to stay with his 'Don't Fuck Your Friends' Policy. The risk of things getting even more out of hand than they already had been was too great. He told her to put some clothes on and that she'd spent too much time with the incubi and was getting corrupted.

Having no qualms about her personal corruption, she instead turned to Naruto and said three words that would be imprinted in his mind forever. "Let's have sex."

"Stop kidding around and read your silly books. There's more than enough sex in them for the both of us." Naruto chuckled despite his penis screaming 'yesyesyesohgodsyes!'

She put down 'Icha Icha Angel' and got _very_ close to the blonde. He could taste her breath. The jade eyes had taken on a succubae sort of gleam. "I'm tired of reading it. I've read nearly fifty Icha Icha books. I want to experience it."

Naruto backed away slightly. "You should really save sex for the people you love…"

She wasn't about to let him forget the goal of last night. "That's not what you think. The incubi said something regarding that as well."

"Incubi are sex demons, what else do you expect?"

"That doesn't matter. If I trust you with my body, isn't that enough?"

There wasn't anywhere else he could go. It was official. Gaara had finally gone crazy. "Let's cut back on the Icha a little."

"Show me. And that's an order from the Kazekage."  
The question that hung in the air was whether he could refuse that order or not.

0o0

I didn't answer many (or any) of the questions from the last chapter, did I? Hopefully you don't think I'm stringing you along. And I'm thanking Silicate Spider for letting me borrow Tomoseibetsu, who's the main character of her extremely excellent story 'A Demon's Freedom: Hinata's Transformation'.

Anyway, more **IMPORTANT STUFF**…

There will be one or more lemons in the next chapter. Seriously. The pairings you vote for in your reviews will be tallied. The pair(s) with the most votes will be the lemon(s). Ménage a trois (three-ways) are allowed and basically everyone is fair game including Kyuubi (with a bit of gender bending to keep the male readers happy) except for any OCs who've shown up thus far. I'm sorry if I just crushed your dream of an Arceus x Shaymin x Gaara lemon. The lemons you choose will change the outcome of the entire story, from interactions to even whether or not they'll go off on a quest to find the succubus Cresselia. The wonderful part is that I'm the only one who knows how things will turn out. So, I'll leave it up to your capable hands. Ja for now…


	7. Lemony Goodness!

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

The votes have been tallied… And it was a landslide victory… And er, I think I managed to single-handedly kill off my male readership. If you're a man and you're still reading this, congratulations and please tell me that you are so I can get some blasted sleep at night. It is really and truly and honestly bothering me. (I apologize in advance if I happen to come off as chauvinistic to either gender…) Now go enjoy this chapter.

0o0

Ch.7 Lemony Freshness!

0o0

Though Naruto could practically hear the skin of his cock splitting over the stiff tissues it was constructed from, he wasn't about to let it overrule his common sense. We must not forget the ever-important 'Don't Fuck Your Friends' policy! As his brain went 'ohmygodohmygodohmygod', Gaara stared at him with those oppressive jade eyes that could make a country fall to its knees, mere inches away from his face. Blushing at the tips of his ears, he started humming a nonsensical song about an omelet he'd heard somewhere on a mission in Kirigakure. Crazily enough, she seemed serious about her offer. Despite his vehement disapproval of the whole idea, she was more resolute than he'd counted for. One of her hands rested on his hardened lap. Warmth crept up the back of Naruto's neck and flooded his cheeks as she began caressing it, wetting her lips with her wicked tongue.

She knew very well why it was like that. Naruto was aroused by her. He wanted to have sex to relieve the troublesome tension. Her pussy, though it made her confused to call it that when it bore no resemblance to a cat at all (despite the books always referring to it that way), awaited with a dull, throbbing heat for him to take off his pants and penetrate her so that he could fuck her thoroughly to rid her of her sexual pressure as well.

He was just a man, no, not even that. A boy of sixteen. And like most other boys of sixteen, he wanted to get laid somehow or someway. Gaara personally had never thought of that when she was a boy, but she had her own extenuating circumstances. In her female body she was attractive and she knew it, having been told so several times. With due humbleness aside, right about now she should have him wrapped around her little finger. Had she been well-versed the proper intricacies for the art of seduction, her control over this situation should be like that of Kankuro with his puppets, but in spite of everything that she didn't know, she did realize the power a woman held over a man was far greater than most could imagine.

Women meant sex. Men wanted sex. That was really what everything wound down to. The pickings of bed partners ranged by individual tastes, but Naruto didn't seem to mind dipping in every flavor. And if he truly thought upon it at great length, Gaara was quite the catch. Though she was quiet and stoic for the most part, one had to take in the consideration that lasses like that often let themselves loose in the bedroom. Those maegomikko girls could go from lost in a book to raking their nails down their lover's back, breaking the human limits of hearing with their love noises. Gaara presented an even greater bonus in the fact that she had a touch of madness in her. Who knew what benefits that could have? Untold riches awaited if one was lucky enough to be allowed to bed her.

So how was Naruto to resist A: a hot girl (any hot girl, mind you) presenting herself on a silver platter or B: a direct order from the Kazekage, let alone both united? And yet…

"Gaara, be logical." Naruto lifted her hand from his lap, chuckling uncertainly.

"I'm being perfectly logical." For once, her mind felt perfectly clear without illusions, delusions, or daydreams.

She placed her thin hand back upon his groin and his humming turned into more audible singing. "_I boiled them and they melted…_"

Gaara responded. Who would figure that she knew such a ridiculous song? "_Somehow they seem a little interested, your eyes. I'm enchanted, I'm calm, the mood is perfect too… Shall I cuddle up to you? I'm a naïve girl who doesn't know a thing…"_

"Eheheh… Um…"

"_You are so very, very cool. I'm completely crazy about you. I'm enchanted, I'm sticky, my heart is pounding—"_

Naruto cut her off. The part about being sticky made his manhood fight even harder against his sense, desperately trying to throw him into a sexual frenzy. If Gaara spouted another dirty lyric, then he _would_ give in whether he wanted to or not. He knew that she didn't mean that (except, his mind perversely conceded, maybe the sticky line) and he wasn't going to take it seriously. Absolutely not!

"You spent too much time with the incubi. They've already rubbed off on you." The conversation was awkward to the umpteenth degree and Gaara feeling him up while stared at him with those authoritarian green eyes wasn't exactly getting things to move along any smoother.

"Isn't that good though? The incubi told me how to please you along with the Icha Icha books and Jiraiya." Naruto damned Jiraiya and his pervy books in conjunction with the incubi. He'd have to keep them busy and far from Gaara before they could influence her any further. Gaara's lids fell to half-mast, her thick lashes accentuating her dark-ringed eyes. "I won't be selfish and make it all about my desires."

Naruto scooted to the right slightly, moving Gaara's hand again. "That's nice of you to think of that, but I—"

"Do you hate me?" Time for Naruto's guilt trip already? That didn't take long at all.

Naruto stopped, watching Gaara wring her hands together nervously with her loss in confidence. She thought this would be a whole lot easier, but Naruto kept resisting her advances. "No, I don't hate you one bit."

"Then what's wrong with me? I want to do this. Show me how to make…" She bit her tongue, not wanting to say the unmentionable word. "Love."

"I can't…"

Naruto watched the nude girl shrink within herself, a wilting flower, and he felt like he was letting her down somehow. Gaara was his friend and she was trusting him to something that she'd never let anyone else do. Would it be so wrong to grant her wish? Knowing her cold, unfriendly exterior, she'd die a virgin if she couldn't attract anyone. Hiring prostitutes seemed to be the next step if she couldn't get him to do it and he'd never forgive himself if she got some type of disease simply because he was too stubborn. But it could totally destroy their friendship as well…

"Come on." He extended his hand as a peace offering.

"Where?"

Naruto lifted her to her feet with all the gentility one would use to handle a holy object. "To the store."

"Why?" Gaara asked, folding her arms over her breasts conservatively. She could swear it'd gotten colder within the last five minutes.

Naruto scratched the bridge of his nose shyly. "If we want to do this, then I'd like it to be at least a little romantic. I don't want you to feel like a one-night stand. It'd kind of suck if the Kazekage's first time was just a mindless screw."

"Oh." She seemed stunned that her proposition had been accepted in such a manner. Hell, she was surprised he'd accepted at all.

'_**I knew you'd catch on, kit.'**_

'_Shut up, I'm not doing it for you.'_

I0I0I0I0I

When Gaara put her mind to it, she could make herself look pretty… Cute, to say the least. Even without Naruto's help. She had donned a white button-down shirt and jeans that contoured to her legs' every curve. Over that she wore a deerskin jacket that had decoratively woven in pieces of hide making 'xes' holding it together. Her boots were made out of rabbits, fur trim adding a further splash of small fuzzy animal murder to the ensemble. Animal rights activists would hate her upon sight. Naruto rather liked it.

So off they ventured to shop for the necessary supplies of a 'romantic' evening. Perusing the aisles slowly, Naruto was oblivious to the reticent looks Gaara gave him, mostly because he was lost in his own world of nervousness and second thoughts. She trusted him more than anyone else in the world. He was the one she confided her troubles to when she was concerned, even if it was something like her being unable to decide whether to read Icha Icha Lagoon or Icha Icha Engine. He was the one who acted like she was a normal person, despite her jinchuurki status. Naruto made her feel human. And she was going to give herself over to him so they could commit such an intimate act. She shook her head, wondering if she was crazy.

"Hey Naruto!"

The blonde jumped half a foot in the air, dropping the chocolate scented lubricant he'd been examining for spermicidal content (Kyuubi had had Arceus and Shaymin get rid of those as well apparently). "Gods damn it, Sakura! Don't scare me like that!"

She tutted disapprovingly, resting her hand on her hip. "Whatever happened to being always prepared? You're a shinobi, Naruto, even if you're off duty."

"What the hell are you, a stalker or something?" He eyed her for any ropes, still being a bit on edge after Sasuke had grabbed him from the strip club. The incubi curse shouldn't have gotten her yet, but he wasn't going to take unnecessary risks. "You certainly seem to show up out of nowhere pretty fast."

She glanced at what he'd been holding and then picked it up, offering to return it to him. "I'd say the one who's fast is _you_. You know what I…" Sakura wagged the bottle at him teasingly, label practically blaring the contents of the bottle. "Mean?"

"It's not like that…" Naruto grumbled, feeling his ears turn scarlet with a blush.

"Oh? To think that Sasuke was _so_ into you earlier and _you_ didn't seem very interested in discouraging her, but now you're going to get nasty with the Kazekage? For shame, you manwhore." She sighed, tucking the lubricant into their green shopping basket. Naruto would swap it out with the orange scented one that had caught his attention when she left.

Gaara felt her interest pique. "What'd you do with Sasuke?"

"I didn't do anything!" Getting nearly raped by a girl was a secret he'd keep even after the day he died.

"So I'm guessing this will be your first time, eh?" The highly inappropriate and extremely personal question was directed to Gaara. "Why'd you choose this idiot?"

The idiot in question felt a vein start ticking in his forehead. "Sakura-chan, stay out of my business before I have to tell you something you don't want to hear!"

"And what would that be?" She scoffed, figuring that he was pretending to know something that she didn't. Never would she forget the 'pudding incident'.

"That unmarried men cycle through women they're dating! There's usually five at a time, you just think you're the only one!"

Sakura raised an eyebrow. As she'd thought, nonsensical garbage. "And why should I care about that?"

"That's how I rate my girl friends!"

Sakura froze momentarily. Naruto _rated_ his friends?

"First off, there's the number one girl. She's the girl that you love and even though she talks a lot of smack, you hope that things will work about between you." Naruto held up his index finger to demonstrate the number as if Sakura couldn't count.

Giving a sigh of relief, Sakura immediately figured that she was number one.

"Then there's number two. She's the really cute girl who thinks she's number one, but she only has one piece of information about you and if you lied about it, she won't know how to find you. Mostly the first part more than anything, though."

Sakura began to get nervous as he continued.

"Number three is the girl you've been messing with on and off for years. She would be number one, but there's something wrong with her. Y'know, kinda musty, has a full beard." Naruto stroked his chin thoughtfully, wondering if he should grow a beard himself.

"Oh really?" What aversion to womankind was this?

"Number four is the fat girl with the good credit score. She'll cosign anything."

"That's just being an asshole." Sakura growled, raising her fist menacingly. Somewhere out there, a fat girl was probably crying.

Naruto hid behind Gaara to ensure she thought twice about punching him as he finished up. He needed what was left of his brain cells. "Ah, but there's number five! She is the booty call. You can show up whenever you want, she won't care, even if it's two in the morning. Now, would you like to continue harassing us or would you like to be demoted on my list?"

"But are you and Gaara going to—"

"Would you like to finish that statement… Number four?"

Sakura made an offended gargling choke sound. "F-four?"

"You can go back to being a one if you leave us alone. We're just going to have some dinner." Naruto half lied as he glanced at Gaara. They were going to have dinner. Right before they did the horizontal tango.

"B-but the lube!" Sakura was going to risk being seen as a number four to make this point she thought would lead the moral corruption of her friend. If he was getting corrupted, then she wanted at least some say in it.

She'd been thrown a big clue and she wasn't about to let it go. Hell yeah she wanted to know if Naruto was going to start shagging the Kazekage! The next time they went to Suna, Naruto would get special treatment and she definitely wanted in on it. And truth be told, in a remote part in the back of her mind she'd always wondered what kind of a lover Naruto would be, so if Gaara would be knocking boots with him then she could go ahead and ask. Under any other circumstances and if it was any other person, she would certainly _tease_ him, but this was her ticket to the top. Yes, she loved being a medic and a shinobi, but a girl wanted more than just acknowledgement and admiration. Sakura hoped for things with more material value. She was Naruto's friend, so if he became Gaara's secret lover, she was sure that they'd be seeing a lot more of the Kage…

And the upper class nobles who came practically attached at the hip to her.

Sakura could stand being a four for a little bit longer, at least until she heard what she needed to hear.

"For one of my red light district friends. She's been sick and I thought I would bring something in hopes that she'd feel better."

"But—" That was the biggest cock and bull story she'd ever heard. Lubricant as a get-well present? True, Naruto had many red light district friends, but she had a feeling they could provide such necessities for themselves.

"You like your new placement, number four?"

She twitched. '_Fat girl with a good credit score who'll cosign anything._' Naruto would keep poking at that until she left, meaning that he _was_ up to something. She had a pretty good feeling that he would spend the night screwing Gaara up, down, and all around. Time for a tactical retreat. "No! In fact, I'll be leaving right now!"

"Excellent." Naruto said appreciatively like she was doing him a huge favor.

'_Fat girl with a good credit score who'll cosign anything.'_

That wasn't bothering her, not at all!

"…You'll make me a one again, right?"

Okay, maybe just a little bit.

"Of course." He winked and gestured towards the front door, waiting for her to ixnay the estionsquay and get the hell out.

"See you later, Naruto! Hope you have a nice dinner!" She had to go tell Ino this. There'd be no way she'd believe it all.

But not about the scale. She leaned against the building after exiting and poked her stomach. She vowed to _never_ become a number four.

Naruto chuckled when she left, switching the chocolate scented lube for the orange. "Feh. Women are so easy."

"Excuse me sir, but can I help you?" A small, ginger haired sales clerk asked, admiring the youth's dashing good looks.

"Yes, my dear, you can. Lead me to your wine department!" Naruto struck a dramatic pose.

"Aren't you a little underage? I mean, you look mature, but you can't be more than sixteen." The clerk blushed, tugging on a curly strand of hair. She was having thoughts of ripping her clothes off and making him ravish her in the pasta aisle.

Naruto gathered her into his arms and gave his charming smile. "Is age what keeps us apart, darling?"

"Uh…" She turned redder at the host-like behavior of the blonde.

"Now, my sweet kitten…" Naruto knew she was under the spell of the incubus eyes, so he manipulated the situation easily. A kiss was all he needed and when he granted it to her, she was his to do with as he pleased. "Won't you show me?"

Just to be safe, he kissed her again, rubbing the freckles on the bridge of her nose with his thumb. She stammered, "W-wow…" And with that, she numbly led him to the wine cellar.

Since he figured he was on a roll he asked, "Can I have your best wine?"

"That'd be expensive…" she showed him a long price tag. It had at least eight digits on it.

"You sure about that?" He was primed to give her another kiss if necessary.

"B-but isn't she your girlfriend?" she pointed to Gaara in a state of desperation, remembering the store's policy of 'no fucking the customers while you're on the clock'.

"Oh? She doesn't mind at all. Do you?"

"No." Gaara said bluntly, though she wished to speed the process up. She lowered her voice into a smoky purr and stroked the jugular of the overwhelmed clerk. "But my darling, wouldn't you like to give us the wine? Forget the age, forget the price…"

Naruto smirked. Gaara ran her hand down the girl's neck, resting on her chest directly over her heart. She groped her without shame and Naruto had to use every fiber of his physical being to refrain from laughing. The great Kazekage Sabaku no Gaara was a seductress. The girl blushed, shivering as Gaara slid her fingers up her shirt.

Naruto joined in, stroking the clerk's cracked lips with his fingers. "I'd really like it if you did that for us."

"S-s-sure!" The poor girl surrendered completely. She was having serious questions about her sexuality after Gaara's treatment.

Naruto gave a triumphant smile. "Thank you, my lady."

Gaara merely bowed gracefully.

Turns out there were a few perks to being a host.

I0I0I0I0I

Naruto wined and dined Gaara, who drank a little merlot after surmounted coaxes. It softened reality and the effect of what was going to happen soon. She undressed once more and laid out on the bed as Naruto washed the dishes. Her heart danced under her breast when he looked at her, drying his hands off with a dish towel. He was ready to take her. Those piercing blue pools saw more than her body and she felt him looking deeper inside of her. She shivered, for the intensity was frightful. Her eyes followed his silver zipper as he shrugged off his orange jacket, then the rest of his clothing. He soon joined her on the bed, both drinking in the sight of their partner. Naruto was strong and golden whilst Gaara was soft and sexy.

Gaara watched the lines of muscle that tightly corded around his body. His wiry frame belied little of the strength it held within it, with or without clothes. An unexpected power, just like his maverick spirit. He sat on his heels, toned thighs straddling her hips. His manhood laid flatly on her stomach, refusing to become erect until he was absolutely certain she was up for this. She took a pretty little while to rove over the seal on his stomach with her eyes, the dark mark the only thing keeping the fox demon within Naruto from running rampant. Subconsciously, she wished she could keep Shukaku at bay the same way, but wishing for what could not be was a waste of time.

Naruto looked at the sensual curves presented to him. A perfect hourglass, an exact match to that of her hitai-ate. Hard to imagine that a girl so beautiful and fragile looking could kill an army without so much as blinking. Her breasts weren't unbalanced in the slightest bit, perfectly matched in volume and circumference. She had her hands curled by her ears, her pale frame in complete submission though he knew it was difficult for her to do so. Her sleepless eyes gazed up at him and he saw none of the death she'd seen so much of reflected in them, merely a childish innocence. Selfishly, he was thankful that the Kyuubi hadn't been as rough on his body as Shukaku had Gaara's.

Candles glowed around them softly, illuminating the room now that the light had been turned off. Gaara saw the shame that lingered in Naruto's eyes. He was afraid of what would happen if he had sex with her. She dispelled it by giving him an inviting look, her nipples hardening into nubs. Naruto leaned down, kissing the bite mark from last night, her shy mouth shortly thereafter. Inexplicable warmth bubbled up within Gaara, her heart quickening to a tempo only a beat faster than previously. She arched ever so slightly, grazing her breasts against his chest. When his lips disappeared from hers, the warm, buzzing sensation that had been tickling her on the inside went with it and she settled back down on the bed. Naruto was still rejecting his want to be aroused. Gaara knew they wouldn't get anywhere until she could beat the notion of them having sex into his head.

While Naruto ogled her like a great idiot, she calmly lowered her hand to his manhood and stroked it. Even in the darkness, she could see him blush. She wanted to smack him and tell him to stop wasting his blood up there when it could be put to better work elsewhere, but that would kill the mood and completely destroy her experiment. Trying to create a course of action, she did the only thing she could think of. Her eyes closed slowly, hiding jade irises behind a jet black curtain, curving her spine upward again as she whispered his name in a soft moan.

"Naruto… Naruto… Touch me…"

Naturally, Naruto couldn't deny the power of Icha Icha learning and was quickly sporting a hard-on. Now with her permission, he didn't quite know where to begin. So much to choose from...

"If you don't stop hesitating, I will kill you." Gaara stated brusquely, meaning it entirely.

"Okay, okay!" He may as well cut to the chase. If he spent too much time on foreplay, Gaara would get bored and irritable. And that was the last thing that he wanted to be in bed with.

Remembering Shaymin's obsession, he slid further down the bed to crouch between her legs, nestling his nose in the coarse pubic curls. Though her thighs were cold as ice, the spot between them burned with desire. Naruto lifted her hips, elevating her to his mouth. His tongue rubbed against the slick, swollen petals, suckling and biting. Her vision hazed and her body responded by creating more lubricants that'd ease his grand entrance. Her first true vocalization floated through the air, hovering between them the second it'd passed her lips.

With her small gasp as approval, he delved into the warmth. She trembled at the invasion, watching him explore her insides. The phrase 'cognitive dissonance' rang through her mind. Naruto was sticking his tongue, the tongue he used to taste ramen with, to taunt with, to shape letters with, _down there_. It didn't match up in her brain. Oddly, for a second she wondered if he thought she tasted like ramen, but her attention was drawn to him in action once more. His eyes were closed, head pushing harder against her as he went deeper, tongue digging into her woman flesh. Gaara could feel every stroke he made, caressing the cavernous orifice that she had so willingly provided. The organ jabbed her inner walls, his teeth teasing her outsides, lapping up the moist heat she had to offer. She tasted good. So he kept eating.

A warm, coiling sensation rippled up inside of Gaara, pooling snugly in her abdomen. She wanted more. Wriggling under his touch, all the things Gaara had learned from the Icha Icha series took off out of her mind on a swift flight. Falling back on a whispery sigh, she unintentionally squeezed her legs closer together. The sensation drew itself into a ball, curling tighter and tighter. Too tight. Naruto extracted his tongue. But he wasn't finished yet. He slipped two fingers deep inside her, driving them into her sweet spot. With a cry, she orgasmed. It was a small one, as to call out a prelude of things to come, but it sent a shudder of pleasure through her body.

Naruto swirled his fingers around inside of her, collecting her honey. He pulled out his fingers and tasted it.

"You're delicious…" For a moment, Naruto seemed less like Naruto and more like an incubus who had decided to visit her so he could fulfill his less-than-holy purpose.

Gaara watched him lick it off his fingers before he kissed her on the lips, the bitter tang of herself lingering on her mouth even after he drew back. Naruto applied a thin layer of lubricant to both of them, getting a curious look from Gaara.

"What's that for? We're not doing the anal sex, are we?"

"No, but it'll still make it hurt less."

"Oh."

Naruto kissed her again, lowering himself down so that he was centimeters away from her entrance. "Are you sure you want this?"

"Yes." Gaara nodded to verify her decision.

Not wanting to say something corny like 'then your wish is my command', he penetrated her. Her arms shot up almost instantly to wrap around him, pulling him deeper. Naruto thrusted tentatively, glancing at Gaara to see her reactions. She raised her hips, urging him to continue. He set a rhythm that started slow, Gaara cringing as her entrance stretched to get used to accommodating his manhood. Then the pain lessened and she could open her eyes. Naruto was looking directly at her, paying no mind to the moon or the candles or anything else. Only her.

The pace accelerated as Naruto searched for a certain spot. Gaara felt like she couldn't breathe, uttering soft whimpers that were unbecoming for a Kazekage. She was drowning, trying to gasp in breaths she couldn't find. And though it was pleasuring, it wasn't enough. She wanted the unadulterated passion the women in the novels received. She wanted to scream and buck and moan out her lover's name. Why was he being so mild-mannered with her? When she asked this, Naruto stopped.

"I told you, you deserve more than a mindless fuck. And besides, um…" He blushed sheepishly. "As far as my memory serves me, this is my first time too. Drunken hypothetical sex doesn't count. But I'll certainly take your request into consideration."

Devilishly winking, he picked up the tempo again, thrusting harder.

"Ah!" Gaara gasped when Naruto struck a spot that made her tremor. Referencing the Icha Icha books one last time before her mind would completely disappear, she groaned out what the women were supposed to when the man found it. "There! Hit me there again!"

Naruto heeded this piece of advice and tried to aim for the area he'd scored at previously. "Here?"

"Yes, there, dammit!" Gaara tightened her grip, fingernails gouging the skin of his back.

Though he wasn't thrilled about being clawed, Naruto figured that he had found the spot and dutifully attacked it. He watched her face contort in pleasure, chest heaving as she breathed heavier, faster, impudently pushing her own body against him a couple of times. Definitely worth getting clawed for. The death threats, however…

"Don't stop, don't you dare stop, I'll fucking kill you if you stop—aahhh—I'll rip your head off and feed you to Shukaku if you stop—harder, you jinchuurki bastard—don't stop, please, please, please don't stop!"

Actually, if he could make the mighty Sabaku no Gaara beg, the death threats were worth it too.

"Is threatening to rip my head off your version of dirty talk?"

"Shut up!"

Ferocity, thy name is Gaara in bed!

An explosive sensation was running through her veins. Gaara remembered a time she'd been small, watching fireworks erupting against skies of the desert night. The fire and flash was what she felt now as he pounded into her, hips bouncing off of each other as they made this love. The air conditioning in Naruto's apartment was broken, making their sweat slicked flesh a thousand degrees hotter every time it collided, but she no longer cared about that. Her wish was being granted. Learning the rhythm was simple and now she clenched around his cock with every new thrust to add more pleasure on his behalf.

While Naruto wanted to be calm and clever, saying something like 'why thank you, madam' he could only manage 'gughelgleegarkfuckthat'snice'. Eloquence evaded him presently.

Finally throwing away his last rings of inhibition (and ignoring several pervy remarks from Kyuubi), he began tapping into the fox's chakra to extend their session. Over the sounds of her fluty moans, various death threats, and the overworked mattress, Gaara could hear Naruto whispering sweet nothings to her when he wasn't driveling incoherent jargon. One drove home, striking a nerve she hadn't felt in a long time. She would never tell what it was though. Inwardly, she smiled. Externally, she orgasmed. Feeling the honey coating his eager manhood, Naruto figured he couldn't last much longer. About to peak, he tried to pull out. Gaara, wanting the whole experience, refused to let him, locking her legs around his ass. She'd be damned if she missed out on anything. Naruto had no choice but to climax inside her, their juices mixing to symbolize their efforts of this unity. As the uncomfortable pressure rushed out of him and into her in roping spurts, Naruto froze, riding the orgasm as if they were being photographed. Gaara had ceased bullying him to let the warm liquid fill her completely and the moment was still. The experiment had been successfully completed.

Panting but not completely drained, Naruto slumped onto Gaara's chest. He no longer gave a damn that he was within her. He felt like every bone in his body had melted into nothing more than gelatinous goo. Sure, he was partially suffocating himself as he exhaled into Gaara's bountiful chest! Sure, he'd probably meet a horrible, sandy death shortly thereafter for not performing up to Icha Icha standards! Right now, he didn't care at all. He'd had sex and it'd felt amazing. No one could take that away from him.

"See? No mindless fucking." He licked the spot between her breasts tenderly, that being all he could do with his arms hanging at his sides uselessly. He wondered how long it would take for his bones to reconstruct themselves.

"Can we do that next?"

"What?" Surely his ears were deceiving him.

"Let's do it again."

"Aren't you tired at all?" He managed to push himself up on his gooey forearms to look at Gaara directly.

"Yes, but why let that stop us?"

Naruto let his head droop down and laughed. "You're crazy, you know that? You're going to turn into a succubus."

"Is that a no then?" She seemed disappointed in the current lack of an encore.

"Kami, just give me a minute…"

"I want the mindless fuck this time."

"I know, I know…" Naruto huffed, collapsing back atop Gaara. He really shouldn't be this tired, what with training and all, but _kami_ he didn't think it'd be so physically demanding. And he was sweating like a pig. It was disgusting. A shower sounded like the best thing in the world right about now. Gaara could join him and they'd progress from there. Actually, shower sex sounded rather appealing to Naruto.

The Kazekage wouldn't tolerate sloth, so she tried moving around the limp bundle of tissues to no avail. Kyuubi and Shukaku were ready to set their containers up for another bout. Feeling blood rushing back into him, Naruto propped himself up once more, nonverbally asking Gaara if she was ready. When she nodded, the green flag was waved and they were off again.

I0I0I0I0I

Jiraiya found them the next morning, both asleep and out in the open without any form of coverage, Naruto sporting some morning wood and Gaara having a hickey on her collarbone. Surprise was the keyword because he certainly hadn't expected his protégé to score with the sexless _Kazekage_ of all people. Yet there she was, curled up into his side as he snored flat on his back, resting her head on his shoulder (whose hand was cupping her pale bottom quite firmly) and holding him tightly to her. The sight was mind-boggling. Their hair was disheveled and the smell of sex clung to the room like paparazzi on a celebrity. Jiraiya held little doubt in his mind that the two had gone through several rounds. He chuckled, dreaming up the faces Tsunade would make when she heard about this.

The demons were equally content with their containers' performance, purring in their separate states of imprisonment. Kyuubi was feeling jack-dandy and fancying that he'd have a kit or two on the way, so he celebrated by feasting in the palace that Naruto had created for him. Meanwhile, Shukaku had a secret that he wasn't about to spoil. Truth be told, it'll probably come out in a few more chapter, but until then, it will remain secret.

Seeing a fifty year old pervert (thankfully not Tsunade, Shizune had been keeping her busy with excessive amounts of paperwork) hovering at his bedside first thing in the morning wasn't exactly how Naruto imagined how he would wake up. He pulled the covers over Gaara and himself while glowering at Jiraiya, squeezing the redhead's ass to ensure that this was his to do with as he pleased and that last night hadn't been an illusion. The girl moaned softly in her sleep, stirring only minutely.

Naruto double checked briefly to make certain that Gaara was shielded from Jiraiya's prying eyes. "What the hell are _you_ doing here? Didn't I ward the door?"

"You forgot the window."

"Dammit!" Another one of the sannin had foiled him again with his inability to remember to ward the window. He sincerely prayed to the gods that Orochimaru didn't make it three for three.

"So, how was it?" The notebook came out with a pen, ready to write down their crazy shenanigans. Perhaps he could finally write the long-demanded sequel to 'Steamy Nights in Suna'.

"Get out, you old bastard!" Naruto roared, squeezing Gaara's rump again to verify that she was still there.

He groped his nightstand with his free arm for the closest thing he could fling at the mega-perv. An alarm clock came into his reach and was about to be weaponized when he glanced down to check the time.

"Oh crap!" He leapt out of bed and scrambled around his apartment to get ready for training. There wasn't much of a penalty for tardiness, but he didn't want to get into the habit of it and end up like Kakashi.

Gaara, having rather rudely been jostled, came into consciousness, continuing to shield her breasts from the legendary pervert as she watched the blonde scurry to eat breakfast, take a shower, et cetera within the span of several minutes. She didn't think she'd ever witnessed anyone moving that fast outside of a battle situation. "You have training?"

"YeahIhavetrainingsorryIcan'tstaybutIreallyneedtogo!" (Yeah, I have training, sorry I can't stay but I _really_ need to go.)

Gaara understood. Naruto wanted to be the best and to be the best, he had to practice. She was already missing his body heat and the fulfilling sensation of having him inside her, but she knew could live a few hours without him at her side. For some reason, her skin felt deathly cold. Her body had gotten a taste of the touches she'd been craving for years and now she hungered for more. Biting her lip, she held back the desire to ask for another quick round before he left. Quick for them was forty minutes and she knew he didn't have the time to spare.

"See you later, Gaara-kun."

"Bye…" She waved at the space where he'd stood seconds before.

Jiraiya gave a lecherous grin and repeated his earlier question. "So how was it?"

The old man was defenestrated via a carpet of sand.

I0I0I0I0I

"No way, teme."

"She did! And then she said—"

"Naruto-san…"

"Eh?" He could've sworn that he heard Gaara.

He made the mistake of looking at the one who'd interrupted their conversation, who _had_ been Gaara after all. Cue instant nosebleed. Two pieces of electrical tape covered her nipples, making a black x over each. She wore a jade-colored bikini bottom with a matching sarong to keep her semi-decent. Naruto was unsure as to whether or not he was drooling. It took him a long moment to regain any semblance of control over his voice box.

"G-G-Gaara-kun…"

She pulled him away from a gaping Sasuke and whispered what she had taken the time to come here for. "I want you to tie me up with silk handkerchiefs and tickle me with feathers until I orgasm."

That sounded strange, but somewhat erotic in a way. "Not right now."

"But…"

"I'm with my friends. We can do that later." The words came out harsher than he intended. He should apologize before Gaara took it the wrong way.

"Why not spend time with your friends later?"

"Gaara…" Too late. She'd already been offended.

"I changed my mind. I'll leave you and your _friends_ alone." She mumbled bitterly, calling on her sand to take her away.

It's not like she cared or anything. She had simply thought it to be something enjoyable for the both of them. There were plenty of things she could do besides having sex with him. She'd been meaning to write a letter to Temari ever since she'd woken up and she figured that that was best thing she could do right now. Sex with Naruto could wait until tonight.

Sasuke sighed, shaking her head. The boy was really an idiot when it came to women like that. What in the world had they been up to last night that prompted Gaara to come out in public in such attire? Hell if she cared, this was her chance! "Naru-dobe, I know this might not be a good time with whatever's going on between you and Gaara, but did you want to come over and hang out at my house? Not nearly as cool as the red light district, of course, but we could probably try to lighten the mood."

"That might be fun." He didn't mean it though. The smile on his face was one of a masked façade. "We could have a party."

Leaving Gaara to sit alone at home waiting for him to come back while he partied hard and got shit-faced didn't sound fun. Not at all.

I0I0I0I0I

After much persuasion, Gaara still refused to go out. She wanted to dress down, curl up with some tea and an Icha Icha book, and wallow in her loneliness. Naruto left her reluctantly, feeling obligated to go because Sasuke had been looking forward to this evening and he'd feel bad if he let any of his friends down. He wasn't sure Gaara would really be okay by herself. He almost turned back. But almost wasn't doing the action. He was sure this would weigh on his conscience the entire night before he even made it out the door.

Gaara found herself unable to focus on Icha Icha Love You and finally gave up trying to read it. She paced about the apartment for about twenty minutes before she made a fresh pot of jasmine tea (which she was surprised had even been in the apartment) and raided Naruto's refrigerator. She shoved a spoon into a carton of chocolate ice cream (with chocolate chips mixed in and chocolate syrup to top it, she's rather lucky she didn't go into a diabetic coma the second she put it in her mouth) and half-heartedly ate a few bites, the rich flavor coating her tongue. They didn't have such luxurious treats in Suna, for it would melt almost instantly under the desert sun. Not even all the endorphins in the surplus of chocolate could keep her from thinking about her dilemma and feeling depressed. Perhaps she should've gone out with Naruto. He had a lively social calendar, so she may as well get used to it if they were going to be lovers.

For a little while, she occupied her time with making sand sculptures. Half of them were erotic pieces featuring her and Naruto, the other half just Naruto by himself. She felt stupid for some reason. She destroyed all the sculptures and made a one eighth scale of Shukaku instead, wanting someone to talk to.

"Hey Shukaku, I know that you're a raving tanuki bastard…"

'_**What do you want?'**_

"Just to talk."

'_**Aw gods… And here I was hoping you wanted to go and kill something to work off your depression.' **_Shukaku groaned, gnashing the teeth of his sandy maw together. _**'Remember our little deal. You owe me fourteen humans.'**_

"I haven't forgotten." Gaara said crossly, having an immense disdain for people changing the subject unnecessarily. As a Kazekage, she saw it as completely disrespectful. "Shukaku, you know Naruto's my friend, right?"

'_**Unfortunately, yes. I still think you should kill him. He would have tasty blood.'**_

"He's weird and loud and obnoxious and the kind of person you want to crush under your boot, but he's also really… Mature, I suppose would be a good word. There's some sort of gravitation between us, there's always been, but when we had the sex last night…" She wasn't quite sure how to express it. "I felt like I connected to him, you know?"

'_**No.'**_

"You're no help at all, are you?"

'_**I'm not a therapist.'**_

She tried to make further sense of the tormenting emotions that were dragging her down. "I think that I figured that if I felt connected to him after that, then maybe he felt the same way."

'_**Who fucking cares? Certainly not him.'**_ The tanuki sighed, berating his container as if it was something she should've known._** 'It's a shame really. I didn't take you for one to be manipulated so easily.'**_

"What do you mean 'manipulated'?" Naruto was the very _last_ person she'd pair with the word 'manipulation'.

'_**You know that boy's a skirt chaser. He'll be after the next nice pair of legs he meets as soon as he lays eyes on her. You were nice, but he wants to move on, add some variety.'**_

"Naruto isn't that shallow."

'_**I once dated a spider demon. The bitch was crazy, but I loved her. That whole 'eat your mate after you're pregnant' thing didn't really work out though. The first time she had morning sickness, I ran faster than a snowball in hell.'**_

"Don't compare him to you, stupid tanuki." Gaara growled, crushing the head of the Shukaku figurine slightly.

'_**Men are men, no matter their species. I sulked about the spider for about an hour and I started fucking this really hot yeti chick that'd been checking me out for a while.'**_

"I fail to see the relevance of this." She did see the relevance, but she would prefer to play ignorant and hope the tanuki would shut up.

'_**He's moving on to bigger and better things. Upgrading, if you will. He popped your cherry, but there's a whole lot more in the tree.'**_

"Naruto's not that shallow." Gaara reiterated.

'_**Then why not go to that party and figure out what the hell's going on? He's probably fucking some other girl right now.'**_

"Naruto doesn't need me to act as his caretaker, he can do as he pleases."

'_**Even fuck another girl?'**_

"What he does is his own business. Not mine."

'_**But you'd like to make it yours, wouldn't you?'**_

Gaara clenched her fist and the sculpture fell apart into nothing but a pile of grains. "I don't know why I thought I could get any good advice from you…"

I0I0I0I0I

The party was awesome. Why wouldn't it be with Naruto helming the plans? There were two consecutive keg stands, a dance floor that'd been set up, and plenty of favors had been called in so that there was a complex lighting system to add to the mysteriously kick-ass aura of the event. Great music, great drinks, and a good time was to be had by all! Too bad Naruto didn't feel the same as everyone else. He stood around holding a cup of vodka punch to make sure that no one else offered him a drink looking pretty and making small talk with the guests, while he felt guilty about having slept with Gaara. He hadn't expected any good to come out of it and the only reason he'd really done it was because she'd looked so sad and now things seemed to be worse off than before. A familiar arm draped itself around his shoulder to shatter his mental musings.

"Hey dobe. You're throwing a party. Why aren't you enjoying it?"

"I've got crap on my mind." Naruto shrugged, sipping at the spiked punch. "No big deal."

Sasuke watched Kiba get crowd-surfed over about eighty of Naruto's closest red light district acquaintances. "You want to get somewhere less crowded?"

"Sounds good to me." He set the punch down and followed Sasuke to wherever she planned on taking him.

Naruto recognized the room they had entered as Sasuke's and he made himself comfortable on the bed as she closed the door. This was startlingly considerate of her. Such a very generous offer and it wasn't like she had _any_ ulterior motives whatsoever! Naruto would consider this an 'aww, shucks' moment and nearly blushed. He knew he loved all his friends and precious people for a reason.

"You're a really cool friend even if you're sometimes a psycho pervert, you know that?"

"Thanks, I think." She quietly locked the door. "You want me to suck you now or later?"

Did she just— "Huh?"

"Just kidding. What's up?" She sat beside him on the bed, casually brushing her fingers against his.

"I feel like a really shitty friend right now." Naruto confessed, tightening his fingers into a fist on the sheets.

"Why?"

"I did some stuff I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have done."

Sasuke didn't like the spectrum 'stuff' implied. And from the sounds of it, the problem was either murder or sex. She was thinking sex. "What kind of stuff?"

"If I tell you, you'll get all psycho again."

Definitely sex related. "I'll try not to."

"Gaara… She…"

And it involved Gaara. Life was peachy, wasn't it? "She what?"

"She asked me to have sex with her because she wanted to know what it felt like."

Sasuke's eyes widened. It was about time to kill a bitch. "You didn't."

"She was really lonely and she hasn't been touched that much in her life and I know how that feels! It's really fucking horrible okay?" Naruto snapped defensively.

He knew all too well what that felt like. Life with the Kyuubi hadn't been easy on a child, especially when he hadn't even realized why everyone hated him so much. Until Iruka, he'd never known how gentle a touch could be and only knew the bluntness of fists and feet. Had he never gotten that, he would've ended up as insane as Gaara was when they first met. She had been a broken child that people either despised or were too afraid to love. Even being beaten bloody was still contact and she hadn't even had that small necessity. How could an unloved child ever wish to live when that was its world? When your only reason for existing was to destroy, how could you ever hope to be cared for? If you were made to be a weapon, how could you be anything but that? Yes, Naruto couldn't feel all of what wounded Gaara, but he at least knew some fraction of that pain.

"When you think that no one cares and you're worthless, it tears you up inside! Of course I did it, I didn't want her to be so fucking alone! She looked so afraid when she asked me because she thought she was going to get rejected and never know what it was like to touch!" He took a breath and softened his voice. "Gaara may act all rough around the edges and as unbreakable as diamond, but she's incredibly delicate. I showed her what it was like to make love. I did everything she asked. And at the time, I was really happy that I could do that for her." Shamed rage drew him to another crescendo. "Now I'm regretting it because I know I shouldn't have done it and I stupidly endangered one of my friendships for one damn night!"

"…I know I'm not too fond of that sandy bastard, but Gaara's smart. She knows why you did it." Sasuke stated plainly, resting her hand atop Naruto's.

"I know, but… Everything just feels wrong."

"…I'm smart too."

"What?" Naruto managed to ask before he was blindsided by her kiss.

Sasuke domineered him with the ferocity of a wild falcon, making sure she could get her claws in on this especially tasty piece of meat. She'd make him forget about his troubles the fun way. She wasted no time prying his mouth open with her tongue and delving into him. She could sense him trying to form curses as he fought off her abrupt advance, which only served to make the kiss stickier as their saliva mingled. Breaking it off as adroitly as it began, she licked her lips and watched Naruto blush.

"Teme, you know something? You're being what's called a cocktease. Although, if you want to be more correct, I suppose it'd be a pussy taunt. You're feeling it one minute and then you're flaunting a chastity belt the next. Did you really expect me to take you into a private room where no one will disturb us without trying _something_? Now, I'll eventually just end up taking what I want from you. So do you want me to take it or will you smarten up and give it?"

"What's your problem, teme? You know I'm upset because I already slept with my other friend, do you really want to add on to that guilt?"

"What if I just give you some head? Throw me a bone, dobe. I'm getting restless."

Naruto took a good long look at her breasts. He was going to hell anyway, so why not sin a little more? He used a tried and true method to say yes. "You have nice eyes, teme."

"I think you mean nice tits, but thanks anyway."

There was an awkward moment where Naruto twiddled his thumbs for a bit.

"Why so nervous? Not sure if you'll be able to measure up? It's just oral, stupid."

"Tch, you wish." Naruto scoffed, remembering that she hadn't complained the last time. But recalling that made him also recall that he was nearly raped by a woman. He played off the fact that he was crying on the inside by declaring, "I will amaze you with my awesome might!"

"Don't ever say that again." Sasuke commanded solemnly. "It makes you sound like Lee. Do you really want me to feel like I'm sucking Lee?"

Both of them shuddered simultaneously. Bad mental images.

"Take off your pants, asshole. That is, unless you expect me to fellate you through them."

Naruto mused upon this idea. "Wouldn't that be kind of hard?"

"Shut up, look cute, and take off your fucking pants."

Not feeling up to an extensive argument, Naruto let out his manhood. Since he had not been prepared for this, it simply flopped out without any style or dignity. Sasuke chuckled softly.

"Oh, I suppose you were better when you weren't expecting this sort of thing!" Naruto blustered, turning a light red.

"As a matter of fact, I was."

"Oh please, teme." Naruto jeered, laughing scornfully. "Even though all those girls followed you around like stalkers, you never _really_ got any ass."

She justified herself simply. "Half of them were really ugly."

"And the other half?"

"They were slightly less ugly and _don't_ tell Sakura that because I know what Tsunade teaches her and I don't want her to kill me in my sleep." She could live without the humiliation of being murdered by the pinkette.

Naruto figured that they were getting grossly off topic. "Why are we talking about this?"

"…I don't know."

"I would just like to proceed with the dick-sucking, if you will."

"So would I."

"I'm tempted to say 'indeed'."

As her response, she lowered her mouth to Naruto's manhood and began the art of fellatio. He was at attention almost instantly, so there wasn't really a source of argument for the two at this moment, though if they really wanted to fight over something stupid, they could always find a topic.

Now several people who'd learned about Sasuke after the gender swap would tell you a common sense fact. As a girl, Sasuke was a total slut. And this was true. But damn, she could suck a dick! Naruto was more or less thinking that as Sasuke lavished attention on his family jewels with her fingers and baptized his head with her saliva. She diligently attended the sudden jumps of urges to be stroked or licked without having to be told, an ESP-like sense and her memories of manhood guiding her hand.

"Teme, why are you so good at this?" Naruto asked, trying not to lose the status of the male by moaning or something that women were supposed to do. "Sneaking off to hang out with some trick when you didn't have a mission or something?"

"Dobe, if you don't want me to bite off your dick, then shut up."

"You _did_ tend to disappear a lot…" Naruto mused, daring her to destroy the last cock (Jiraiya didn't count because _no one_ wanted to sleep with that old coot) in all of Konoha.

She nipped at the base as a warning, though it was more playfully erotic than malice fueled. "You know my family kind of specializes in fire jutsu, right?"

"What's that have to do with this?"

Sasuke alternated sucking and speaking. "Each major family has certain… Traits they physically developed to suit their style of fighting… And so, sexually… We all have something that we're born to be good at…"

"Makes sense, I guess…" Though the concept was unusual, there was a smidgen of sensibility to it.

"And since we specialize in fire, which almost always requires breath…" Naruto squeaked as Sasuke puffed on the tip of his erection to prove her point. "We have bigger throats, stronger cheek muscles, and no gag reflex."

"That's really cool, but messed up at the same time."

"Shut up and enjoy my lineage."

Before they could get any further, the door opened. Neji gave them a bewildered stare, before falling back into a dead faint. There was a momentary pause before the two engaged in lascivious activities tore into each other like rabid wolves fighting over a piece of meat.

"You left the door unlocked? How stupid are you?"

"I _thought_ I locked it!"

"What should we do about her?" Naruto was concerned about the young Hyuuga who was currently in a comatose state in the doorway, buttoning up his pants snugly in case anyone else decided it would be nice to drop in uninvited.

"Fuck it, write me an IOU and figure out something." Sasuke was really getting tired of people walking in on her when she was about to get laid.

"What kind of IOU? You got a pen and paper?" Naruto sure didn't have any. He hadn't been planning on writing sex IOUs.

"Here." She unearthed a pen and a pad of paper from her drawer and handed it to Naruto. "Make it say 'I owe Uchiha Sasuke one opportunity to get fucked senseless'." Sasuke directed, liking how that sounded.

"Yeah, yeah—Wait… What happened to just—"

"You want to take care of her or do you want to finish here?" The way she saw it, those were the only two options.

Naruto finished scribbling out the rest of the message. "Got a guest room where I could put her until she wakes up?"

"Down the hall and to your right. Prepare yourself, dobe. I'm calling that IOU the first time I get a chance." Preferably within the next half-hour or so. She was wet and she was ready to take him on. She'd be damned if he thought he could top her and she was willing to fight for the position.

All Naruto said was, "Whatever teme."

I0I0I0I0I

Neji was unconscious for exactly nine and a half minutes, sprawled out on the mattress of the guest bedroom. When she woke up, she squeaked when she saw Naruto laying beside her with a smile on his face. "N-Naruto-san!"

"Hello, fair princess. Feeling better?"

"Yes, thank you very much." She blushed and sat up, smoothing out the creases in her simple white dress. It curved loosely around her body to give her the illusion of a greater bust line and wider hips, ending about a hand-length past her coquettishly rounded rear. Like Hinata, there was a charm of innocence present with her, whereas Sasuke and Gaara were purely sex vixens.

"Is there anything I could get you? Water? Anything at all?"

Neji hid behind her long hair. "Were you doing… Things with Uchiha-kun?"

Naruto's host image faltered for a moment. He was hoping she'd write it off with a dream. Maybe if he played his cards right…

"Could you…" She blushed, toying with a strand of hair. "Do things like that with me?"

Temporary brain freeze. "W-w-what?"

"I want you to touch me… And make love to me." Now that she'd said it, she may as well be bold. "I want you, Naruto-san."

"Uh…" How was he constantly managing to get into these situations? Oh yes, the incubi eyes! While they were nice for getting sex, there was a limit. Hyuuga Neji, grand purveyor of theories about fate and destiny, telling him that she wanted him directly to his face seemed a bit insane.

"…Am I not good enough for you?"

There goes that guilt card strategy. "No, it's just that I really wasn't expecting you to say that."

"Please, Naruto-san…" She pleaded, almost pouting at him with her clear eyes.

Here we go again. Sasuke would be happy to learn about this and she'd probably never shut up if she did because the 'Don't Fuck Your Friends' policy was in shambles and she was now next on his 'to fuck' list. The thought of even having such an inventory was utterly ridiculous, but he may as well make one and check off Gaara's name.

"How would you like this to be done, my princess?" He was going to burn in hell for this. He just knew it.

"If it's… If it's alright with you, I want to have…" Her words trailed off into a whisper as she turned red again.

He cupped his hand to his ear. "What's that?"

"I want to have anal."

Naruto felt oddly accomplished. He had achieved the sex trifecta in the span of about twelve hours with three different girls. Gaara had been his coital, Sasuke had given him oral, and now he was about to finish the last leg of the race before he could claim his title. Sure, it would've been kickass to do the stages of the trifecta all in a row, but the three of his bedmates weren't exactly buddy-buddy.

"Then go on with your bad self."

She unlaced the sandals that'd been strapped halfway up her calf first, wincing because they'd been relatively uncomfortable and now that she had feeling back in her feet, it turned out that they really hurt. Naruto felt a pang of compassion and massaged them for her as she lifted her dress over her head. She gave a grateful smile. Reaching behind her back, she unhooked her bra. Naruto kissed her soft breasts and she removed her simple white panties before getting on hands and knees. She glanced back over her shoulder, signaling that she was ready.

"You're sure you want this?" Naruto asked, depressingly aware that she was most certainly _not_ sure.

She had a brief second though before saying, "Yes."

"But you're _really_ sure?"

"Yes." The uncertainty was gone.

Well, she seemed ready as she possibly could be and didn't plan on backing out any time soon, so… Naruto grabbed her hips, readying himself at the designated entrance, and thrusted into her tight confines rapidly.

Neji immediately slumped to the mattress and stopped moving.

He didn't think he was _that_ good and he was pretty sure that girls weren't supposed to do that when you fucked them. Naruto pulled out and prodded Neji's ribcage for a few moments, calling her name. No response. For a second, he wasn't sure if she was breathing or not, so he tried shaking her and repeating her name louder. Still nothing. He hadn't _killed_ her, had he?

He couldn't afford to have 'killed Hyuuga Neji during attempted sexual intercourse' on his record, so he got dressed and immediately sprinted to the nearest hospital, bringing back four medic nins. The party slowed when they saw them rushing in with a stretcher, but they soon forgot about it and went back to partying like the animals they were. Naruto followed them back to the hospital because he _had_ been the one fucking her and it looked better if he cared about what happened to her. He honestly wanted to crawl into a hole and die from shame.

For an hour and a half, he sat in the waiting room, too nervous to read a magazine, drumming his fingers against his leg. The nurses kept whispering and pointing at him, one or two giving him a coy wink every now and then, though he wasn't quite sure why. He hadn't made eye contact with them, so the eyes weren't affecting them. Was his natural charm strong enough to seduce them without even a word? Yeah, right. There was some other explanation as to why they were behaving how they were.

"Hey, excuse me?" He waved a nearby nurse over to him. She bent down to his level and tilted her head, waiting for him to ask his question. "I came in here with a girl, could you tell me what happened to her? Hyuuga Neji is her name."

"You mean you don't know?" The woman seemed surprised.

"Know what?"

The fellow nurses giggled. The lady he was talking to said, "I'll take you to the doctor so he can explain."

Neji was still unconscious on the examining table in the sterile smelling room he'd been dragged to, but her clothes had been restored to her (which Naruto thought to be a bit of a shame). The doctor was a past middle-aged former-man with a thick gray moustache that she was stubbornly refusing to shave. Naruto began counting her liver spots.

"Do you realize what you did to this young lady?" She asked, wriggling her Brillo pad moustache.

"I was hoping you could tell me that." He wasn't a doctor, how was he to know of what had transpired?

"Well, to put it simply, you ruptured her ovaries."

That sounded painful, but almost like a conquest worth mentioning. "…What do you mean by 'ruptured'?"

"You busted her ovaries."

"Both of them?"

"Both of them." The doctor reiterated, wiggling the moustache once more. "She'll never be able to have children."

Gaara would probably enjoying hearing this crazy sex story, but then he'd have to tell her that he actually _had_ sex (sort of) with Neji. That wasn't going to happen any time soon, so he'd rather focus on the problem at hand. "Will she be okay?"

"She'll be sore for the next few days, but aside from that, she'll be back to normal in practically no time at all. Some rest and relaxation will do her good. And maybe some high-strength painkillers wouldn't hurt." The doctor twisted the corner of her moustache. "Do you make a habit of doing this to all your girlfriends?"

Naruto didn't bother to point out that Neji wasn't his girlfriend. "No, this is the first time it's ever happened." He also didn't add that he'd never really had that much sex before today.

"Yes, we were quite surprised when we found out what had happened as well. We've had lots of broken penis cases, but this wasn't something we'd seen before."

Naruto was horrified. "You can break a penis?"

"Yes." The doctor brushed back her short salt and pepper hair and waggled her moustache for good measure. "Tell me, did you ever want to be a doctor growing up?"

"I'd thought about it once or twice." Naruto shrugged, being truthful as the situation called for.

"Would you like to learn a thing or two right now? I could teach you…" she sat on the table to prop her legs wide open and unbuttoned her white lab coat slightly. "How to give a physical."

Sagging, blue-veined, age-marked breasts met his unwilling gaze. He had to get out of here now before he was attacked by that quack doctor. Naruto picked up Neji and sprinted out at the speed of light. His plan was to drop her off at his house and to go home, take a cold shower and get some sleep. Though he was questioned as to the girl's condition (he abstained from saying that he'd broken her ovaries during an attempt at anal), he didn't waste much time at the Hyuuga estate.

He opened the door and walked into his apartment. The sickly sweet smell of excessive amounts of chocolate abruptly shoved themselves in his nose. Gaara had taken a chair from the table and scooted it into the corner, where she sat in her sweatpants and baggy tee-shirt, eating chocolate ice cream at a completely unreasonable pace.

"Whoa. I like ice cream as much as the next guy, but _damn._ I don't think I've ever seen you eat that much except for the thing with the muffins. Eating all that at once isn't good for your health, you know."

She kept shoveling the ice cream into her mouth.

"Gaara, what's up with the sudden bingeing? Is something wrong?"

She stopped and stared at him, betrayal flickering through her eyes. "I went to that party."

"What's that have to do with this?"

"I talked to Sasuke."

Naruto suddenly had an idea where the direction of this conversation was about to go and felt sweat building up under his collar. No need to panic yet. He didn't know _what_ Sasuke had told her.

"She said you had sex with her."

Damn, _damn, __**damn!**_

He had to fess up. He wouldn't dare lie to Gaara. "That's partially true."

"You can't 'partially' have sex with someone." Gaara informed him.

"What happened was that she'd been giving me some head and Neji walked in, so we stopped." Naruto explained, knowing that the situation wasn't improving with his honesty, but he couldn't shudder to think of what lying would get him into.

"She also… Said some things that she claimed you had said."

"And what would that be?" Most of what he'd said was pertaining to insulting Sasuke.

"That I was smart enough to know that our sex didn't mean anything and that you were doing it just to be nice."

Naruto was up shit creek without a paddle. He _had_ said that, but didn't realize how mean it sounded when someone else relayed it. He got down on his knees beside her and took one of Gaara's thin hands in his own.

"Does it bother you that I had sex with other people?"

"When did this become plural? I only knew about Sasuke." Her eyes sharpened further.

"Urgh…" He couldn't lie out of this without making things worse. "I kinda partially had sex with Neji too. It's a funny story, you see, after Neji walked in on me and Sasuke, she fainted so I took her to a guest bedroom and waited for her to wake up and when she did, she asked to have anal, so I stupidly said yes, but I only put it in once and she got knocked out and I took her to the hospital and it turned out that I broke both of her ovaries, ha ha, yeah, it's funny, right—Oh crap, I shouldn't have said that, what am I thinking? I'm not trying to be insensitive, honestly!"

Gaara ate another spoonful of ice cream, licking remnants of syrup off the edges of the spoon. "I hate this stupid body…"

"Why?"

"It makes me feel funny things. Things were okay when I was a boy." She looked at her hand, flexing her fingers.

"Damn hormones, eh?"

"No, it's more than that. When…When we had sex, I felt connected to you somehow. I… I feel insignificant and mad and my heart hurts…" Emotions were confusing to her. She liked being without them better.

"Are you jealous?"

"If by jealous, you mean that I want to stab Sasuke to death, then yes, I am very much jealous." She said, imagining the Uchiha being impaled upon a mighty spear of sand.

"I heard that sex is more personal for girls because it binds you emotionally to the person you slept with. That sound about right?"

"I don't know." She clenched her hand around the half-empty carton. "Why'd you have to be nice to me? Why'd you have to sleep with me if you knew it wasn't going to mean anything the next day? I don't want your pity!" She couldn't stand pity.

"Oh… Sweetheart, it did mean something. I did it so you knew that someone cared about you. Gaara, I hope I haven't made you mistake sex for love. I don't love you that way. I love you because you're my friend and that's all. Truth be told, I'm not a very good person. I took advantage of something I shouldn't have. That was wrong of me and now you're paying for it. I don't love you." He stroked small circles on her tense hand with his thumbs. "Please don't cry."

"I'm not crying. My tears dried up a long time ago." She whispered bitterly, thinking back to Yashamaru.

"Then why are your cheeks wet? There's no rain indoors." He raised one hand to wipe them away, cupping her cheek so that he could make her look at him. Brushing her bangs away, he asked, "What if I promised to do something with you and only you? I won't do it with Sasuke or Neji or any other girl except for you."

"You'd still sleep with them, though."

"Yeah. I told you I'm not that good of a person. Sex feels good. I want to try it with a lot of different people and maybe fall in love at some point of this crazy game. But I'd do something that'd be our special little thing, just between you and me."

"Why bother?" Gaara mused glumly. "When it all gets down to it, I'm only a five…"

"Sweetheart, you're so much more than that. Do you accept my promise?"

"Fine…" She thought back on his choice of dialogue. "And for your information, I never said that I thought you loved me."

"Well then, I suppose it was a bit of a warning for you. It'd be kind of silly for you to fall in love with me now that you know I don't feel that way about you." Naruto kissed her pale lips. "Remember Gaara, this is lust, not love."

Lust, not love.  
And that's all it ever would be.

I0I0I0I0I

Neji felt a jolt of energy run through her. Her danger sense was fully activated. She immediately woke up. Uchiha Sasuke sat on her chest with a kunai poised over her heart, a crazed look on her face. Apparently she'd heard about the anal mishap.

"Wait, can I say something before you try to kill me?"

"As long it is very quiet and not stupid." Sasuke whispered evenly. She would allow the Hyuuga to have a final word.

"Why are we fighting each other when we have a bigger common enemy? We should be working together to get rid of Gaara before we do anything else. If she's around, we can barely do anything with Naruto. She's like his fucking attack dog." And you know that Neji was being serious when she cursed.

Sasuke thought about this momentarily. "He _did_ screw her, so she'll probably be extra protective of him. We either have to kill Gaara… Or seduce her."

They thought over the second option.

"We should just kill her. It'd be easier." Neji decided.

"Yeah, that's true."

"When did he sleep with her?" Neji wondered, having yet to notice a change in their relationship since the last time she'd seen them together.

"Last night, that lucky bitch." Sasuke wished it had been her instead, but there were some things that just couldn't be helped.

"How'd you find out?"

"Tch, I'm his best friend." She scoffed like it was the simplest idea in the world. "He tells me everything."

"We should come up with a game plan. Got anything?" Neji was fresh out of 'kill Gaara' tactics.

"I was thinking that we take her out to some remote location and start fighting there. When she puts up the sand shield, I'll activate my Chidori to break through it and then you run in and press her nodes so she can't make the shield anymore. It should be pretty simple after that."

"That's brilliant." And come up with on the spot! She had to admit, she was impressed. "You're quite the strategist, Uchiha."

The raven-haired girl flicked her tresses over her shoulder proudly. "Flattery will get you everywhere, Hyuuga."

"Care to stay for breakfast?" They could scheme further then.

"Actually that sounds lovely, but it's one in the morning."

"Go find some pajamas and spend the night, we can share the bed. I don't mind if you don't."

"And I don't, so I suppose I shall."

"Why weren't we friends before this?"

"Frankly, I don't know."

Once Sasuke had gotten all tucked in with her loaner pajamas, she turned to Neji and smiled. "It'll be a pleasure working with you."

"Likewise." Neji smirked back, prepared to win Naruto's heart with her feminine charms.

An unholy alliance is born.

I0I0I0I0I

While the two girls schemed, Gaara dreamed, and Naruto watched her with mute blue eyes. He touched her lightly in random spots to see if they had any effect on her sleep. For the most part, they didn't. He got out of bed, unable to leave the waking world because the entire day was weighing on his conscience. Too much had happened at once.

But how to kill the time? Before all this craziness had happened, he would have masturbated himself to sleep. Now it seemed stupid to even consider that as an option. He'd had sex with a trio of girls who'd be willing to fuck him at his leisure. He could wake up Gaara or go over to Sasuke's or Neji's without being asked questions. Naruto didn't want to do that, so he paced. After he got tired of that, he tried counting sheep. When that didn't work, he found one of Gaara's Icha Icha books, took it in the bathroom and attempted to beat off while reading it. He couldn't get his heart into it.

The economy was being ruined. The other nations were on the verge of launching an attack if they didn't do something drastic to change the situation. His friendships were going to get completely desecrated at this rate. This was indirectly all his fault. He had to be responsible for this mess.

Quietly, so as not to awaken Gaara, he got dressed and packed supplies. Soap, food, water, money, all that good stuff for journeys. An Icha Icha book just for the hell of it. His hitai-ate and any weapons he thought he'd need. He scrawled a short note of explanation before adjusting the strap on his bag and walking out the door.

Time to try and make this right.

0o0

_**Now, before you get all 'aw, there's not gonna be fag porn, is there?', keep reading and I'll soothe your fears.**_ I'm just saying that he's going to try to find Cresselia. I'm not guaranteeing he will. The lemons you choose will determine the course of the story. And I _know_ that while this is classified in the Naruto and Gaara section, don't just chirp 'NaruGaa' every time because I put NaruHarem in the summary for a reason. And it's not just limited to Naruto. I think I actually have a SasuNeji scene rolling around in my brain somewhere. Just none of the OC people, okay?

It does give a nice cause and effect sequence, though. The lemon picking, I mean.

Naruto slept with Gaara. Naruto feels guilty about sleeping with Gaara. Naruto throws party to put his mind elsewhere. Everything goes downhill from there.

The only part I wrote out before I started typing was the lemon in the beginning. All the citrus and other things I based off of that, which I kind of think is cool. And if, by some chance, there _is_ fag porn, which and I speak the honest truth when I say this, will be _**highly unlikely and have almost a zero percent chance of happening, **_I will warn you before it happens so that I can maintain my readership. Shall I repeat that? _**'Fag porn' will be highly unlikely and has about a zero percent chance of happening IN THIS STORY!**_

That cool with you all?

And again, if there _are_ still men reading this story, I'd like you to tell me. I'm looking forward to your reviews.


	8. Very Little Plot Advancement Happens

Nibai Akuma Kokoro

I'm happy that there are so many men reading this. I cried with joy (just a little bit) when I opened all the comments I got from you guys. That's not to say that I'm ungrateful for my female readership, but… Yeah. The men are valued, 'cause this story's for you.

In today's chapter, our special will be a lemon cake with lemon zest, lemon icing, lemon wedges, a sweet smidgen of girl-on-girl kissing, and a little bit of 'WTF?' sprinkles at the end with the chocolaty aftertaste of a plot twist! Because at NAK, we're more than the missionary position!

0o0

Ch.8 Very Little Plot Advancement Happens

0o0

Temari sat at the kitchen table in shock. Kankuro stood beside her dazedly. Gaara had sent Temari a letter and she'd read it a few moments ago. Kankuro had rudely skimmed though it over her shoulder. The contents had sent them both halfway to the river Styx. The last letter they'd gotten from Gaara was that he had turned into a she and that the council would not accept him returning as a woman. Confusing as it was, that one hadn't been so bad. This one was downright obscene.

'_Dear Temari,_

_I've been learning much during my stay here in Konoha. Like sex. I am no longer considered a 'virgin'. But I figure that I must give you a brief account of the sequence of events that led up to that occasion._

_I have been living with Uzumaki Naruto because he doesn't mind me and is a fellow jinchuurki, as you and Kankuro know. Life here has been rather quiet. No one has tried to kill me since my arrival. I find it to be incredibly pleasant. Gives me lots of time to think. Truth be told, I was rather bored without the constant assassination attempts. I inquired about possible time consuming activities (I believe you call them 'hobbies') and Naruto's sensei, whose name is apparently Hatake Kakashi (he seems to be a shinobi of some renown), suggested that I take up reading in my now excessive spare time. He gave me quite a few books in a series known as 'Icha Icha' and informed me he'd let me keep them. I quickly realized that the books were erotic novels, like the ones Kankuro has hidden in Karasu's repair kit._

_I now own over one hundred of the books, which are surprisingly well written. (Naruto doesn't seem to like them and insists upon me putting them in the closet when we have visitors over. That's not very often. And as a side note, he taught me how to make some delicious muffins. I shall have to let you taste one when I get back.) Lots of other things happened as well. I went to a 'club', met incubi, and amassed the second largest collection of Icha Icha books in Konoha (beaten only by Kakashi). _

_But most importantly, I had sex. Lots of sex. (Is five times in a row considered a lot?) Why did you never tell me how wonderful it was?_ (At this point in reading, Temari thought she had a small seizure because she discovered that her eye would not stop twitching no matter how hard she tried.)_ After about fifty Icha Icha books, I wanted to see what the big fuss was about, so I asked Naruto if he would like to have sex with me. _(Cue further twitching.)_ He said no many, many times _(and for this Temari commended the boy)_ but eventually gave in. I wanted to get it over with, but he said my first time should be special because I was the Kazekage and that was what I deserved, so he cooked me a nice dinner and lit a bunch of candles for us. The women in the books would've called that romantic and even though I was impatient, thinking back on it, I feel a warmth in my chest because I don't think anyone else would've done that for me. When we were finished with the meal, he turned off the light and let the candles keep burning. (Yes, it was a fire hazard, but it helped us see what we were doing.) We got undressed and in bed, but he wasn't sure that I really wanted to do it. I, of course, persuaded him otherwise and we proceeded with the sex._

_Naruto… He was beautiful. Even more beautiful than blood on my sand. He did something amazing for me. He made me feel special._

_But the sex was good. It was great. It was more than great. I hadn't known you could use a tongue in such a way. I think it's called being a 'cunning linguist'. Out of his fingers, his tongue, and his cock, I liked the cock the best because—_

And from there it proceeded to go into six pages of horrifyingly great detail pertaining to their activities in the same flippant monotone phrasing Gaara so frequently used. By the time Temari was finished, she knew more about Uzumaki Naruto's sex skills than she ever would have imagined and would eternally bear the mental scars of envisioning Naruto fucking a female version of her younger brother like he was (as Gaara had eloquently put it) the sea and she was the beach and his cock was the tides that came in and out with the same blissful consistency, pounding against the shores of her inner walls. Temari never needed to know that Naruto kissed Gaara sweetly or that he liked to hear her saying his name loud and strong or that he made her skin crawl in ecstasy and _especially _didn't need to know how big and hard he got when he was inside her. But Gaara completely disregarded that and told her anyway.

Kankuro was even worse off because he was having troubles imagining Gaara as a girl to start with. (Ironically, the post script had said '_don't show Kankuro this letter, I have a feeling he won't take it well'._)

Both siblings were fairly sure that they'd need a lot of therapy.

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara woke up naked in a tangle of half-cold sheets. When she rolled over to see her blonde lover, he wasn't there. She propped herself up on her forearms to better see the alarm clock, wondering if she'd overslept and Naruto had already left to go train. But no, it wasn't even seven yet. Maybe he'd gone out early to get some extra practicing in. He _did_ want to become the Hokage, after all. It only made sense that he would be bettering himself with every opportunity he got. Shukaku laughed maliciously in her head and she swiftly dismissed the theory as nothing but wishful thinking. He was almost certainly at someone else's house to get a fuck in before the day started. Probably that Uchiha bitch.

Yawning widely as she sat up, she shuffled out of bed and combed the tangles out of her hair in the bathroom. Since there was a chance of Naruto returning, she figured that she may as well look semi-decent. It would be a waste of time to pull on all of her usual clothing if he did, so she found a pair of his boxers laying on the floor that weren't too dirty and wore those. Topless and enjoying it, she fried a pair of eggs she'd found in his refrigerator and was in the middle of eating those when a knock sounded from the door. Who on earth wanted to disturb Sabaku no Gaara, lady of the sands, murderer of many, indefinitely on hiatus Gondaime Kazekage at six fifty two in the morning? At least Naruto had the decency to have undone the ward on the door before leaving. She didn't want to have to deal with the frumpy landlady complaining about the noise of unaware civilians being scorched by the door.

Maybe it was Naruto, returning from a conquest…

She peeked outside. "You're not Naruto."

While she tried to close the door, Sasuke wedged her foot in the door growling, "No shit."

"Naruto isn't here." Under her breath she added, "Slut…"

"I'm not here for him. And I'm a trained shinobi, in case you didn't remember. If you're a foot away from my face and you try to whisper, I'm going to hear it, _skank._"

This was the most whore-infested waste of her time since she'd been nearly mauled by oversexed Sunan fangirls. That was only slightly more unpleasant than what was occurring now. "What do you want?"

"Think you can take on the two of us?" She stood back and let Neji into small line of sight provided by the partially ajar door. "If you win, we'll leave Naruto alone. If we win, you move out and don't talk to him for the rest of your life."

Gaara stared at her like she'd just heard the stupidest thing ever. Which, as far as memory goes, it basically was. "I have more important things to deal with than your personal vendetta. Go home."

"Are you scared that you'll lose?"

Gaara tried to close the door again. "We aren't children. I'm not one to be goaded into inane tasks with reverse psychology."

"Inane t—this is a battle of honor!" Sasuke protested, fighting doubly hard to keep the door open so that she could force Gaara into the challenge if necessary.

"Which one of you has Naruto?" Somehow she suspected that the two troublemakers had something to do with his sudden disappearance and she wasn't going to stand for it.

"What?"

If words could not get these walking sperm depositories to talk, then sand was going to be necessary. But she would give them a chance first, as having woken up after good sex made her feel benevolent. "Naruto was not here when I got up this morning. I would like to know which one of you has him."

"Naruto is missing?" Well, though that temporarily benefited them, it ended up as a big fat detriment after they finished killing Gaara and Naruto was nowhere around to be fucked.

"Don't play with me. I know one of you have him."

Neji bent down and picked up a tri-folded piece of paper that was on the floor and read it while the two ice princesses gave each other their best 'I-hate-you-bitch-I-hope-you-die-a-horrible-tragic-death-and-no-one-comes-to-your-funeral' glares. She felt it was necessary to share her discovery. "Naruto says that he left to go 'make things right'."

Suddenly she was the center of attention and the others huddled closely to her to get a look at the letter. Sasuke gave a snort of contempt. "Figures that dobe would get worked up and run away trying to fix problems that'll only get worse because of his 'help'. I wonder how far his lead is. At least a few hours, but that's nothing that I can't catch up with. I am a ninja genius, after all."

"And why do you think that you're the one Naruto wants to see as his cavalry?" Gaara perked her eyebrow.

Neji found herself having to be the referee for them. "We won't find Naruto if we're distracted by all this infighting. I think we should each take a different way out of the village and try to cover as much ground as possible. We'll meet at the north gate in an hour and decide what to do from there."

"What about others to assist in the search?" Gaara didn't particularly _like_ the idea, but she wanted to have Naruto back as soon as possible so they could try something she'd recently read.

"I know that you're crazy, but use some common sense," Sasuke said, eyes flicking over her shoulder quickly to spot out possible prying ears. "They'd _never_ let us out of here because of all the gender-bending that's scaring the other nations!"

"Let's leave my state of mind out of this debate until we get Naruto back, shall we?"

Neji hurried in to cut the argument off before there was bloodshed in the hall. Their plan mustn't go off prematurely. "Both of you are right, so we should all go pack some supplies for a trip and then we'll meet at the gate, alright?"

Sasuke sighed, knowing that _one _of them was bound to find him and she'd simply have to ensure that it was her. "Fine."

Gaara, still topless, tried to decide which Icha Icha books she should bring with her. "Fine."

A temporary treaty was in order.

I0I0I0I0I

Fifty minutes later, both Neji and Sasuke were at the gate, waiting for Gaara. Sasuke wished that they would just leave without her, but she knew it wasn't going to happen. She decided to waste the time by ranting about how fake Gaara's tits looked ("How big do they need to be, _really?_ She could kill someone with those things!") and that her kanji was stupid ("I don't know how she got it and nor do I care, but if I see that damn sign _one_ more time, I'm going to stab her in the fucking face until there is no flesh left on there for it to be on!") before Neji interrupted her.

"From one member of the alliance to another, can I ask you a question?"

Sasuke looked down at her comrade, who was sitting on a rather large rock at the time. "Depends on what the question is."

"You're more experienced when it comes to… physical contact, right?" Neji only hoped that she could benefit from whatever training Sasuke could give her.

The slut shrugged. "I suppose."

"Could you teach me how to… kiss?"

Having figured that Neji had been going to the other extreme of the spectrum (the art of fucking), Sasuke found that she didn't mind. "It wouldn't hurt."

"Thank you."

Sasuke sat parallel to the Hyuuga branch, who had never gotten much face to face time romantically. "Try to keep up with me."

Sasuke closed her eyes and gently guided her lips to those of Neji. Having never really kissed anyone before, Neji felt a warm tingling in her chest as her peach cheeks tinted red. God forbid someone caught them like this. Even this small contact made her want to run away, but Sasuke was in charge and she wasn't about to let that happen. Her hand found the small of Neji's back and the Hyuuga girl leaned deeper into the kiss. Sasuke was having no problem at all taking advantage of her submissiveness. Their mouths crushed together twice before parting and Sasuke slipped her tongue between the shy pink lips, enticing Neji to let her inhibitions go and respond. Neji sighed at how strangely good this felt and squeaked when she felt Sasuke lick her tongue and things were about to go just a little bit further—

But Gaara showed up right on time and ended the impromptu lesson.

"I didn't realize that your interests were in _that_ direction," she said, shifting her bag on her shoulders.

Sasuke drew back without shame. She wouldn't let Gaara have the satisfaction. "How are we deciding on which way to go?"

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Neji suggested.

"Whoever wins first goes north, second goes east, and third goes south," Sasuke said, determined to win one of the first two. The Hyuuga was a shut-in, which she knew for a fact because she'd done her homework. Neji had never done work in the south, which meant that she probably didn't realize that the southlands were nothing but stinking swamps. Gaara wasn't a native and wouldn't know either, making Sasuke a winner whichever one went as long as it wasn't her.

They threw down their hands. Sasuke had paper, Gaara and Neji both had rock. Sasuke smirked triumphantly and went out the gate they were at without bothering to wish her 'comrades' luck. The next round, Gaara had paper and Neji had scissors. They nodded a minor acknowledgement to one another before parting ways. As she ran, Sasuke couldn't help but feel a small twinge of regret for Neji. But, since all was fair in love and war, it didn't last long.

I0I0I0I0I

"So that'll be one room for one night?"

"That's right," Naruto said as he reached for his wallet.

He'd been running the entire day and he'd gotten a fair distance away from Konoha. Better instincts told him that he should keep going, but common sense told him that sleep would be crucial during his journey. If someone caught up to him, he could call on Kyuubi for assistance if things got too hairy. And if he got in a fight with a drunk local, he figured that he could handle that opponent pretty well with basic shinobi skills. No matter where he went, people always seemed to recognize a ninja and thought they could go toe-to-toe with one. They were obviously very stupid people who were emboldened by alcohol and peer pressure.

The inn was a decent one as far as standards went; he was sure that he wasn't going to find mints on his pillow, but he could sleep without worrying about getting robbed, stabbed, or both. Though the floorboards creaked when he walked up the stairs, he knew that he liked the place already and he was ready to go eat, then get some much needed sleep. There were unfortunately no ramen stands, but there was a restaurant nearby and since location was key, he didn't want to stray too far away from his temporary residence. When he had firmly settled in, he got his wallet and went out in search of a decent meal.

The special at the restaurant he'd seen was kitsune udon and he slurped his broth appreciatively while he tried to strategize on a napkin. If he kept going north, he didn't know what he'd hit. If he went west, he'd end up in Suna and he didn't have enough desert survival training to be confident in his abilities to remain among the living if he got lost. The east wasn't well-developed, so if the succubus didn't like loud civilizations she'd probably go that way. But it was more likely that she'd be in a metropolitan area with lots of people she could sleep with to keep herself alive. If she went to a village where everyone knew each other's name and life story, she'd be found out within a day. So logically, she'd be in Konoha because of its sheer size, but for all his years scoping out the backstreets and alleyways, he hadn't seen her. Even if she used a henge, he still would've noticed at one point or another.

'_Gah! This is so frustrating! I wish I had Shikamaru to help me make sense of things…'_ He frowned deeper when he realized that his napkin was now a scribbled mess and finished his udon to take his planning back to the hotel. When he left, he could almost swear that he saw a person shadowing him, but he billed it as nothing and thought, _'I guess I'll just have to play it by ear and see how things go.'_

Now that his stomach was full and his muscles were sluggish from an all-day exertion, he was ready for some sleep. He got the key to his room from the front desk and yawned, thinking of the dreams to come. His schedule for the rest of the evening was to find that Icha Icha book he borrowed from Gaara and to read himself to sleep. Plans could come tomorrow. On his way up the stairs, he thought he felt chakra spiking somewhere in the near area, but he brushed it off and entered his room.

The room was nice and had lots more space than he'd bargained for, but there was just one tiny little thing wrong with it…

"Hello, dobe."

Naruto stopped in the doorway when he saw the Uchiha smirking at him from the other side. "What the hell are you doing here, teme? I'm not going back yet, just so you know."

"Like I care about that. Get in here, dobe." She grabbed him by his collar and yanked him inside, quickly closing the door with her foot.

"Then what do you want, teme-hime? I didn't pack enough stuff to take care of more than one—"

"Shut your mouth, usaratonkachi. I told you I don't care about your stupid mission. All I want is to cash this in…" She pressed a slip of paper against his chest and when Naruto read it, he regretted having ever written this IOU. "You owe me one senseless fuck."

"Can we put it off until tomorrow? I'm kind of sleepy, so…"

"You said I could call it when I wanted and I want it _now._" Sasuke parted Naruto's thighs with her leg, steadying the stance with one hand and using the free one to grab his cock very unsubtly. She pressed her forehead against his and stared directly into his eyes that had absorbed the twilight blue of a late sky. "…Your breath smells like soy sauce."

"Yeah, well, I just ate kitsune udon, so…" He laughed nervously and wondered if he could successfully escape when she let him go.

"Don't even think about it, dobe. A man doesn't go back on his word and neither does Uzumaki Naruto, right?"

"Well, I guess that's r—did you just imply that I'm not a man?"

"And if I did?" Sasuke tightened her grip on his manhood. "If you don't like it, I destroy any chances of you becoming a man right now."

The situation roughly translated to 'if you don't sleep with me, I'll castrate you with my bare hands'.

"…How do you want to do this?"

"I had a feeling you'd see things my way. Get naked." It was not a suggestion, it was a command. Sasuke was in charge and for now, there was nothing he could do about it.

As he stripped, he tried to hold a conversation which is never the best idea when one plans to have sex. "So, um… Could you just wait like five minutes for me to go to the store and get some—"

"No."

And that was the end of that.

"Good," Sasuke said when he was subjected before her judgment. With a wary eye on him for any sudden movement, she searched through a large black duffel bag Naruto suddenly noticed at the foot of the bed. "Now, we'll get you prepared…"

"Hey, maybe we shouldn't do this here, the walls seem kind of thin and—"

Sasuke barely wasted the time to pause her search. "I already took care of that."

Soundproofing tags were on all the walls and Naruto cursed his misfortune. He couldn't talk her out of it and there was no one going to come to his rescue, plus he _had_ promised to fulfill the IOU whenever she wanted, so he sucked in his gut and prepared for the worst. To conquer a hellion such as she would take a true man, which meant that only he was up to the challenge. Besides, he had the Kyuubi on his side, so he laughed at her bag of tricks (mentally of course, he wasn't so crazy that he'd dare to get on her bad side right now) and thought,_ 'Bring it on! I can take whatever you can—Is that a paddle?'_

"Spread your legs shoulder-width apart and bend over the bed," Sasuke commanded, pointing at him with the paddle. The word 'seme' was printed across the flat of it.

He'd seen such things in the red-light district and had even taken a good-natured whack or two from friends, but in the hands of Sasuke, it would likely be his doom. "Let's not and say we did."

"Bend over."

Nervously he kept his mind focused on the headboard of the bed as he spread his legs to distract himself from the imminent pain. He prayed to every god he could think of and made the mistake of glancing back. Sasuke stood triumphantly tall, muscles coiled with the paddle over her shoulder like a batter about to strike a home run. At that moment, she swung with all her might and the flat of the paddle connected with a thick, fleshy _smack._

"Fuck on toast!" Naruto howled as he felt needle-pricks buzzing on his abused bum that now was as red as a sunset. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

"Is this all it takes to make you scream? And you call yourself a shinobi…"

"Of course I'm a shinobi, but you just spanked me with a fucking solid wood paddle! And in case you didn't happen to know, that hurts like hell!"

Sasuke wound up for another strike. "Cry me a river, dobe."

_Smack!_

"Fuck!"

The paddling went on for an excruciating five minutes that seemed like five hours to the poor blonde, who was currently on the verge of tears. If this kept up, he wouldn't have an ass at all. Against his will, his legs began to fail him and quaked every time she struck to signal that he couldn't do this for much longer without violent retaliation. By no means was he a masochist, but he was semi-proud of having withstood for this long. When ten seconds passed without a blow, he made the mistake of relaxing.

"Please tell me you're finished with that because I _really _don't like—Hey, hey, what the hell are you doing—what's that and why are you—get that out of my ass, Sasuke—I swear to god I'm going to ki—Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Naruto fell to the bed, unconscious from an internal electrical shock (he was lucky that it didn't kill him) and at the total mercy of the sadistic princess known to all as Uchiha Sasuke.

"And now the fun begins for real…"

I0I0I0I0I

Around this time, Neji was tired, dirty, and hungry. She'd been wading around in the marshlands for the entire day, up to her knees in thick mud that aimed to drag her down into the mire with every step she took. Her sandal had been lost hours ago, sucked into the sludge and held hostage without ransom. There was no way Naruto was here, no sane person would wallow around in this muck if it wasn't absolutely necessary. Neji hadn't seen a single sign of other human life for miles and staying here wasn't something she was keen on doing. The going was slow and frustrating, it'd be impossible to get back to the village before tomorrow morning. She'd have to camp out and rest, then make the rest of the journey after she got some decent sleep.

When she found a dry patch of land, she happily slumped to the ground and began sobbing into the yellowed grass without even bothering to use her jacket as a makeshift pillow. Once more, she'd drawn the short straw. It'd been happening her entire life and would continue on until she died. Born into the wrong family, cursed with the horrendous mark that she bore on her forehead every day… She couldn't even have sex without having something go wrong. Naruto had left her the doctor's note and it had just been another blow to her when she'd read it. Now, she'd been stupid and had gotten herself tricked. She wasn't so surprised when she realized that heading south was nothing but a ploy to slow down a rival. They were all in it to win it and she was losing by a landslide.

"Neji-nee-san, are you okay?"

"Hinata-sama?" Neji lifted her face from the ground to see her timid cousin standing over her. "How did you find me?"

"I saw you leaving this morning, so I followed you. I didn't think you wanted me to tell Father. I tracked you with my Byakugan and used a shunshin to get here." Hinata had later learned of Naruto's unexplained absence and figured that Neji might know something about it. "You didn't find Naruto-kun, did you?"

"No… But with the Uchiha hunting him like she is, I would make myself scarce as well." She laughed softly and didn't mind her cousin brushing away her loose hair.

"Let's go home, Neji-nee."

"Of course, Hinata-sama."

I0I0I0I0I

When Naruto awoke, he was in a position that was simultaneously pleasing and horrific. Sasuke mounted on his dick and exploring the curves of her breasts with her nymphet fingers as she waited for him to wake up? That's pretty damn good in his book. Lying on the floor with his hands cuffed behind his back? Not so much. He tried to recall what had happened before he blacked out but he was having difficulties remembering even the most basic of things. Was it still the same day? How long had he been out?

"Ugh… Wha' happen'?" His tongue felt thick and furry, mouth completely dry around it. He didn't even have spit to soothe his parched throat.

"I swear you're so pathetic, dobe. All I did was electrocute you a little and you pass out. Now shut up, we're going to fuck."

"Can I have some water?"

"Swallow your spit." Sasuke had little sympathy for the man that made her wait this long.

"…You're a total bitch when you're horny, you know that?"

The little sympathy immediately dropped to zero sympathy. "I can make it so that you won't enjoy this. Do you want that?"

"No."

Now that those matters were settled, Sasuke began to move, pushing herself up and down on Naruto's cock with her hands on his stomach to keep her balance. This was a lovely visual treat to him, the ivory huntress acting like a beast, but right now, all he wanted to do was touch her, to grab her breasts, to ravish her with his mouth until she melted in his arms and the sun rose. But he couldn't because he was handcuffed against his will.

He tried moving with her, rocking his hips upward to match her rhythm and ended up scolded severely, threatened to be paddled until the paint on the word 'seme' faded. While she shifted and wriggled and moaned as she occasionally managed to brush against her g-spot he was stuck here in handcuffs, acting as little more than a flesh-and-blood dildo. That simply didn't settle well with him.

"Sasuke—"

"No."

"But come onnnnnnn! It'll be better for the both of us if you just—"

"No."

That was it, he couldn't take this unfair treatment any longer. Naruto tensed his shoulders and began pulling his arms apart the best he could, straining fiercely at the links. Even if they weren't in the best position to do this, he would rather duke it out than to be subjugated to the maddening act Sasuke dared to called sex. She couldn't knock him out and chain him up without repercussions. Naruto didn't care if she was a girl, he was about to open a fresh can of whoop-ass on her. The metal in the chain links was low grade and brittle, so he figured that he only had a few more pulls to get himself free. One… Two… And his hands were gloriously free. Time to take his revenge.

He pounced, chains jingling as he toppled Sasuke and straddled her to regain his male advantage. When she was on her back and he was fucking her, she seemed a great deal less intimidating than before. Which, of course, she absolutely hated. The punch to the jaw should've been expected, but Naruto was more focused on the indignation he'd been served than potential battle outcomes. She wriggled out from underneath him while he was still recoiling from the primary assault and kicked him in the forehead for good measure as she stood, furious at how she'd been knocked off her high horse.

"What the hell are you doing, dobe?"

"You can't just do that! It's not fair to knock people out and try to use them as a fucking dildo!"

Naruto charged her and they proceeded to have a grappling match, each of them grabbing the other's arms hard enough to leave bruises. Both refused to back down. They were already breathless and starting to sweat, despite the little they'd done thus far. Sasuke was at an anatomical disadvantage in the aspect of having lost muscle mass during the gender swap, but she wasn't going to let that slow her down. She inched her foot forward and then shoved Naruto with all her might, ensuring his fall by sweeping his legs out from underneath him. She pinned him, her hips began bouncing against his once more as she fucked him.

"What's stopping me?" she taunted.

Naruto shoved her off him and as she staggered, trying to regain her balance, he tackled her again, but at least this time he provided himself some assistance. Three bunshin brought her to the floor and let the original have at her. Bruises began forming where they held her, but Sasuke minded little. She was more focused on Naruto's rant. "You know, I wouldn't have minded you being on top if you'd asked! But you didn't ask! This is supposed to be a mutual experience!"

"Why should I ask for what's rightfully mine?"

She wrapped her ankles around his neck and flung him in a desperate attempt to keep him as the one who'd bottom. He was knocked across the room, but the bunshins were on her before she could follow through with her assault and they pinned her until Naruto recovered. The blonde created five more bunshin so that she would have two of them to pin down every limb. Sasuke was beat. She didn't want things to get to the point where they were destroying the entire building for the sake of sex and she _was_ being held down by nine idiot blondes. Still, she spat in the original Naruto's face and he simply smiled, knowing that she had surrendered for now.

"Being an Uchiha doesn't mean you're entitled to everything."

"Shut the fuck up, dobe. I like you better when you don't talk."

"Can I trust you not to start trying to kill me again if I make the bunshins go away?" Trust and Sasuke went together about as well as water and an electrical socket.

"No."

Naruto looked at the eight bunshin that separated him from a fight to the death. "You're making things too difficult… I feel like I'm the leader of a gangbang."

Still, he entered her already moist confines once more and began exploring the area. Though a nouveau virgin, there was a nice looseness to her that was surprisingly pleasant. Somehow, she felt a little different than Gaara despite the 'if you've had one, you've had them all' stereotype applicable to women's genetalia. Sasuke wriggled her hips in a brief attempt to pinpoint any weaknesses that she could exploit, but she found none there. With one desperate burst of strength, she yanked her arms from beneath the four bunshin sitting on them, but before she could get from beneath Naruto, he slapped her cheek soundly. She startled him by uttering a low moan that rang through her entire body as she clenched forcefully around his cock.

"Teme, did you… Did you _like _that?" Was the sadist a masochist as well?

The bunshins held her down again, more firmly this time when she didn't answer. It could be a ruse to make him drop his guard. But still her groan dragged on, lessening with the sting of the initial pain until she was panting again, waiting for him to resume his ministrations. Naruto warily pushed deeper inside of her, but it wasn't enough. There was no pain, therefore there was no pleasure. She wanted things done _her_ way. And by god, she was going to make it happen!

She didn't bother wondering if it was strange to want to fuck someone while also desiring to rip his flesh into ribbon shreds with her nails, she merely accepted that as what she wanted. Her fingers twitched, flexing into claws, wishing that she could mark his flesh, to leave a scar that was undeniably hers. The bunshin prevented that from occurring, so she had to settle for getting her satisfaction another way. Though it was difficult, she bucked her hips insistently as she writhed violently underneath him. Each time she aimed to bruise herself inside and it was enough to cause Naruto worry.

"I'm not trying to hurt you, teme."

"I want you to hurt me." Her eyes blazed and lightning flashed through the cloudy grey. Her desire was now known, all he had to do was make it a reality.

Naruto dismissed the bunshin one by one, keeping an eye on her to make sure she wouldn't fight until it was just the two of them. If this was how it was going to be, they might as well be on even ground. The copulation became animalistic as they entered the battle for alpha, Naruto putting all his weight on her to keep her on the floor as she scratched and bit him hard enough to draw blood. Her spine contorted fantastically and he found her ankles linked around his neck for a short moment before he pulled them apart to her dissatisfaction. He razed his teeth against her shoulder as she frantically thrusted upward like a beast to meet him prematurely, forcing him to stretch her walls to the breaking point. Her vision blurred as Naruto rode faster, faster, faster still and she increased the tempo of her own hips against his to meet the challenge offered to her. When he found her spot, she grew more frenzied and her bloodied battle screams filled the thankfully soundproofed room as her orgasm overtook her. Naruto followed soon after, leaving a signature in semen that declared that he had been here as well. He came, he saw, he'd conquered.

"That was adequate, dobe…" Sasuke decided after she shoved him off her and stood on weakened knees.

"Adequate? I thought I just rocked your world, teme."

Sasuke grunted as she tried to collect her clothes from the floor. "You couldn't do that in a million years, usaratonkachi."

"Then why are you limping?"

"Don't read into it. I'm just sore from having to chase your stupid ass down all day. It has nothing to do with your pathetic attempt in trying to please me."

"You really aren't going to give me any credit, are you?"

"Why give it when it's not due?"

"I hate how stubborn you are, Sasuke-_chan._"

Too tired to react violently, Sasuke merely frowned at Naruto as he drew her close, gripping her bottom firmly. "You're hard again, dobe."

"So you can tell?" His body had already become accustomed to multiple rounds after having slept with Gaara, so as far it was concerned, it was go-time.

Sasuke smirked at the way Naruto shivered when she trapped his cock between her thighs. "What makes you think you're getting anything else out of me?"

He slapped her hard enough to leave a stinging red handprint on her face. She moaned, squeezing his erection against her wet southern lips. The bell to commence the second coupling rang.

I0I0I0I0I

'_Sorry, teme. I can't have you keep chasing after me.'_

Naruto looked at the sleeping, disheveled brunette as he perched on the windowsill. Her long raven tresses were strewn wildly over the pillows as she slept a sleep so deep that it would take a rabid bear to wake her up. Though she was a bitch, he couldn't help but feel like a wee bit of an asshole for ditching her so abruptly, but it was the only way. The last thing he needed was to have her nagging at him constantly while he tried to find Cresselia. There was only so much verbal abuse he could take without his self-confidence being completely annihilated. No amount of bestial, violent sex was worth that. Some men would disagree with that, but his personal respect is what made the sex between them what it was. If he let himself become whipped, then he would turn into a little pansy boy and that was _not_ going to help him achieve his goal of becoming the Hokage.

He climbed down a suspiciously convenient trellis and took off running. Hopefully Sasuke wouldn't be waking up any time soon. He had a mission to fulfill.

And an hour later, he pretended not to hear the scream of, "Son of a bitch!" from the direction of the village he'd been at.

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara was weary. Not exhausted, weary. Weary and very, very annoyed. She had figured that finding Naruto would've been easier than it was proving to be. God only knows what would happen if Sasuke got her slutty claws in him first. She'd probably never see him again if that happened. No, she would have to find Naruto first and convince him that what they had was ultrasex and that no one could keep up with him like she could; therefore she was the only person he should be sleeping with. Sasuke may be dark and sexy and Hinata and Neji may have that 'cute' aura about them, but could they really provide what he needed in a lover?

Her Icha Icha studies ensured that there would be constant variety and her stamina had almost no bounds like the regular shinobi. Sasuke was a whore, but that didn't necessarily mean that she could perform to her maximum potential without arduous training. The others? They were nothing to her, no serious threat. (Of course, she originally had thought that about Naruto the first time she met him and _that_ theory had been proved wrong in a very epic battle, but she was ninety-six percent sure that none of the other Konoha females posed as possible usurpers of her territory.) She'd spent the entire day thinking about it and it made perfect sense. Now all she had to do was make Naruto see things her way.

The village she'd decided to rest in was fair-sized and had several facilities for her to choose from to spend the evening in. She wouldn't be sleeping, but it was better than wandering around aimlessly. Besides, she could ask around town and check the guest lists of inns to see if Naruto had been here. The plan was sound enough and she could start paying off her debt to Shukaku with the people who tried to get in her way. But first, to procure a lodging for the evening.

"Sign the guest book here, cutie," the man at the counter said, pointing at a blank space. It wasn't often that such a pretty girl walked into this establishment. And a redhead at that. He wondered if he could talk her into joining him into his room later. There was an extremely simple balance when it came to women. The prettier she is, the dumber.

As we all know, this wasn't true for Gaara at all. But since the fellow didn't realize this, we'll just sit back and watch what happens next. She signed the book and awaited her key.

"I could show you to your room, if you want. I'm sure a big building like this must be terribly confusing…"

"I'll manage on my own." She wasn't stupid and she could tell when she was being hit on.

"Oh, don't try to be brave. First night in a scary new village and you're sleeping in a huge place? I can even give you the grand tour, if you like." He made the mistake of reaching across the desk to try to rest his hand on hers.

Gaara twitched. And then a wave of sand engulfed the young man and crushed him before he could scream. "Take a grand tour of that, bastard…"

She wasn't in a very good mood. It'd been nearly a day since she'd last had some ultrasex. A little known fact is that homicidal shinobi are easily addicted to ultrasex and quickly devolve into the depraved beasts that were more animal than man if they went too long without it. The moral decay was already starting to pick at the frayed edges of Gaara's mind. It was fast becoming all she could think about. The longing for the touch of hot skin and the heady smell of orgasm consumed her, slowly driving her back to the brink of insanity. If she didn't find him fast, she might consider degrading herself with some other man.

The thought made her shudder. Sex, glorious sex, it could only be fulfilled to its highest potential with Naruto. Maybe it was just the curse of the incubus talking, but there was something special about him. Somehow, she knew that it wouldn't be as good with anyone else. But her mental state was a bit off-kilter at the moment and if a man happened to come along at the right time…

"Excuse me, my kitten, I can't help but notice how lovely you are. Would you like me to escort you to your room?"

…she wasn't going to be held responsible if she ended up dragging him into a nearby room and doing things to him he would never forget.

Gaara looked over her shoulder to see who had spoken. A blonde, like Naruto, but the shade was light platinum. His large hands had groped many a chest, but he was looking forward to this one in particular. Very daringly (or stupidly, if you have any shred of common fucking sense), he walked closer to her and seized her by her cunt. She didn't like it. Not at all. But, there was the possibility of sex to fill the void. So…

"My name is Fukuyama. It's nice to meet you, my kitten." Since she wasn't resisting, he tightened his grip on her and watched her mild discomfort. "How cute… You wouldn't happen to be a virgin, would you?"

He took her silence as a yes and casually wrapped his arm around her shoulder. There wasn't a girl on the face of the planet who could resist his charm. He was the king and this would be his latest bitch in his harem.

"We can fix that, if you like. Just follow me and I'll take you to Paradise."

There was a smack of flesh against flesh as a fist introduced itself to Fukuyama's face and sent him flying across the lobby.

"_**Don't mess with my woman!"**_

Gaara looked back at the person whose arms were currently wrapped around her protectively. "Naruto?"

Indeed, it was her blonde, signs of Kyuubi showing through in his face. Elongated canines were bared in a snarl, whisker marks dark and eyes turning a bloody red. His clawed right hand squeezed one of her breasts to prove his statement and the other around her waist pulled her closer to him. She shivered as the claws bit through her clothing, wondering what it would be like to have ultrasex with _this_ Naruto. The prospect sounded rather delicious.

"I don't know who you think you are, but how dare you get in the way of my conquest?" Fukuyama demanded as he rose to his feet. His beautiful, beautiful face had been damaged! How was he supposed to get the ladies now? "She was completely consenting to letting me 'escort' her and you've gone and ruined that!"

"She's not going anywhere with you."

"Then I challenge you, demon! Whoever can list more sexual positions will get to take this woman back to his room tonight!" The average person could think of three, but Fukuyama knew of four. Because he's totally the man.

"I'd like to participate in Naruto's stead," Gaara said, as Naruto slowly freed her from her embrace.

"Quiet, woman! You have no place in an argument between two men!" Totally the man, indeed.

"Of course you can fill in for me." Naruto knew that Gaara would thoroughly trollop the idiot.

Gaara ripped a blank page from the guestbook and began rapidly doodling on the back. The entire process took about thirty seconds and Fukuyama figured he should start while the woman was amused. "Anal, oral, missionary…. And the bareback snow monkey."

That was his trump card. Because he was the man.

Gaara held out the piece of paper. On it were seven drawings of two nondescript figures, one male and the other female, doing perverse things to one another. "I win."

Naruto stood beside Fukuyama and looked at them, nodding appreciatively at the interesting menagerie. "I didn't even know you were that flexible, Gaara."

Gaara knew the one she was referring to and shrugged. "I thought we could try it."

Fukuyama slunk away to lick his wounds and Gaara picked up her room key from the desk where she'd slaughtered the random staff member. Naruto offered to carry her bag for her and she accepted, because it was a good excuse to get him into her bedroom.

"Sorry about calling you 'my woman'. It's just that he was grabbing your… Your, um… Yeah."

When she looked at him, the Kyuubi features were starting to fade, so she shoved him against the wall and kissed him fiercely while they were still there. She could taste his long teeth. Gaara wasn't letting this new opportunity pass her by without a fight.

"G-Gaara?" His alarm was apparent.

"Fuck me while you're using Kyuubi."

'_**That's a great idea!'**_

'_That's a horrible idea!'_

"Well, you see, the thing is, um… I only use Kyuubi like that when I'm mad at someone for hurting my friends and I can't really control it and I just really think that it wouldn't work out the way you're expecting it to."

God only knows what happen if he went through with it and Gaara decided to bring Shukaku into the mix.

"Hmm…" She peered at him, frowning at the last threads of red fading from his eyes. "Do you intend to make this up to me?"

"That depends on how you want me to do it."

Gaara pressed the paper she'd used to win the earlier impromptu contest into Naruto's hand. "This. And Icha Icha Mew Mew."

"You and your porn…" He sighed as she waited for her answer. "I'm going to go take a bath first, is that okay with you? I heard they have a spring here, so I plan on taking advantage of that."

"I don't mind at all."

In fact, she just might have to join him.

I0I0I0I0I

Having only used the hot springs as a male, Gaara was lacking in some etiquette when it came to what she was supposed to do now that she was a girl. The other women had been staring at her, but since she was busy washing herself off at the time, she hadn't cared much. Now everyone's eyes seemed to be on her as she stood at the edge of the warm waters. A woman scolded her husband for staring. Several young men got spontaneous erections that they feared others would see if they left now and the girls harrumphed at her shamelessness. Naruto was the first to do something to rectify the situation.

"Sweetheart, you can't wear your towel like that." He got out of the water and momentarily unwrapped the towel from around her hips, moving it up higher so that her cleavage was hidden behind the fabric. "You're not a boy anymore. And your hair is going to get soaking wet if you just let it hang out like that."

He found another towel and neatly wrapped her hair up so that she could enter the bath as a sensible, young woman. She escorted herself to a secluded corner and Naruto followed to make sure she didn't get into any trouble (or kill someone). Sitting peacefully with her eyes closed, she crossed her legs under the water and let the heat relax her muscles. On the other hand, Naruto was extremely tense because Gaara had slipped her hand under his towel and begun to play with his cock. It was an odd sight, a girl at ease, the boy next to her blushing due to the fact that, unbeknownst to the other visitors, he was getting groped discreetly.

"Well, now we can't leave. Is there anything you want to discuss?"

Gaara opened one eye. "Do you want me to stop?"

"It doesn't matter. Do you want me to feel you up too?"

"Of course."

To her slight disappointment, he didn't touch her in the way she'd expected him to and instead slipped down her towel on one side so he could have at her soft breast. He pinched her nipple sharply, rolling it between his fingers to make her start turning red as well. Had anyone bothered to come over to this side, they would've been immediately kicked out of the spring because the situation was becoming obvious.

"Is that you, my scarlet goddess?"

Cue instant boner-shrinker.

Gaara tucked her boob back into the towel and retrieved her hand from Naruto's lap. "I thought I made it clear that I didn't want to have anything to do with you."

Fukuyama laughed jovially, doing his damndest to try to ignore the glare of the shinobi. "That was just because I was being too forward! I'm sure that a nice virgin girl like you would naturally be nervous around a man such as myself!"

"Naruto, take me to bed."

Taking the time to savor the moment, Naruto raised her to her feet and asked, "Should I get our clothes as well?"

"Fuck the clothes, we aren't going to be using them."

"That's true."

They shared a secret smile between as they left Fukuyama and the other gaping guests behind and ran naked through the hallways.

I0I0I0I0I

Tsunade scowled at her incompetent subordinates. She was upset. Why did she even put up with this crap?

"You're saying that there are three shinobi missing and you _still _haven't found them? Are you ANBU or are you still academy brats? We don't know what's causing the gender swap, simply that Naruto is clearly the center of it and you _let _him get away? What's wrong with you?"

The ANBU agents shivered under her cold rebuke. When she was drunk, Tsunade was scary as hell. When she was sober, she was worse. They would pay dearly if they didn't successfully complete their mission, but they couldn't help but wonder what else was so high at stake. Sure, Naruto was likely the source of all the hubbub with the gender-bending, but it seemed like their Kage had an ulterior motive as well… They, of course, were unaware of how the cougar had stocked up on erotic fiction featuring young, vulnerable men and the older women who instructed them in the art of loving. Naruto was but a mere kitten that she wanted to adopt. The ANBU knew nothing regarding this matter and it was probably better that way.

"We apologize for our ineptitude, Tsunade-sama." They all bowed deeply, each hoping that they wouldn't be the one on the chopping block if things didn't go as planned.

"Damn right, you will! Get back my Naruto!"

She had certain _things_ she wished to discuss with him.

I0I0I0I0I

Gaara was irate that they hadn't had ultrasex yet, but she knew that patience would get her through this trying time. Naruto had insisted that they should dry off so that neither of them would get a cold or something stupid like that. Sabaku no Gaara didn't get colds. (She was also not familiar with the saying 'idiots can't catch colds'.) And now he was looking for something in his bag. Naruto clearly did not know the Icha Icha way of living. What was _supposed_ to happen was that after they got back into their room, he'd shag her brains out, rendering her content and full of warm sperm. What _did_ happen was that he had to be concerned about her wellbeing for some stupid reason.

He triumphantly retrieved a small foil square and began to open it. Gaara stood at his shoulder and asked, "What's that? Candy?"

"It's a condom, Gaara. It's for safe sex." He pulled the thin latex sheath out of its packaging and showed it to her.

"I like dangerous sex better." She took it from his hands and threw it out the window, whereupon a cat happened to discover it and began chewing on it.

"Dammit, those are expensive…"

Gaara wouldn't have any more delays. "Shut up and sleep with me."

"You're getting as bad as Sasuke."

"Don't compare me to her." The thought that Naruto could even do so made her sick.

"Can I please put a condom on?"

"No."

Naruto sighed. "Where's this plan of yours and where do you want to start?"

"Here."

'Here' was the traditional sixty-nine. Naruto felt he was game for that. Gaara kissed his mouth once and sunk to the floor, legs parted scrumptiously as she awaited for him to complete the number. He straddled her, knees at her head, his face buried between her legs. Naruto breathed a gust of heated air on her expectant lips and took pleasure in her squirm. His tongue dipped down to tease her, dropping his hips slightly to make the position more comfortable. On his lower half, he felt her open her mouth to take him inside and suckle at the semi-hardness. Her thin fingers wrapped around his thighs to keep him steady. Naruto delved his tongue inside her and twirled a sharp, short circle with it. Nails dug into his skin and a vibration ran through his erection as she moaned, making it twitch in excited response.

Gaara removed her mouth from his cock. "Do that again or I'll kill you."

Naruto did it again. Gaara sucked him harder. She wasn't as good at it as Sasuke was, but that's not to say that it wasn't enjoyable. What she lacked in natural ability, she made up for in enthusiasm. Average head was better than no head. Gaara didn't bring him to a finish; instead, she wriggled out from beneath him and retrieved the sketched-on paper to his great disappointment. But he supposed that this would be their warm-up and that with a little more patience, he would be rewarded.

"I want to do this next."

"I've always wondered what it would be like to have sex on the ceiling."

Gaara charged the chakra in her feet and walked up the wall, then attached herself to the ceiling as she pumped chakra into her back. Naruto did the same and gathered up some of his own chakra in his shins and forearms to keep him rooted to where he was supposed to be.

"This is weird…" Naruto noted as he tilted his head back to get an aerial view of the room.

Gaara frowned at him and he began to rock his hips into her gently to make sure he wouldn't fall. When that test proved to have a good result, he kicked it up a notch. He thrusted faster, mental balance split between maintaining position and their pleasure. Gaara was rather enjoying herself. In fact, she was enjoying herself so much that she began to forget to control her chakra properly. Now, as you may know, there is a significantly fewer amount of outlets for chakra in a person's back than in their front. In this situation, if one outlet was neglected and it suddenly shut down, they would fall.

Which is what happened now.

The sand quickly gathered beneath them to provide a landing pad, but it wasn't much comfort.

"Gaara…"

"Yes?"

"Just so you know, sand isn't soft."

"Are you injured?"

"No, no, not at all. I'm just wondering whether my back is broken or not."

"Your sarcasm is not appreciated."

"Let's just bill that as bad judgment and move on."

"Your turn to pick." It was only fair, after all.

"What was that one with you stretching?"

"Rainbow bridge."

"Need I say more?"

Gaara stood up and bent backwards, back arching as she locked herself into the position. Naruto watched her ankles shake unsteadily.

"So I'm supposed to fold over you and we're going to do it that way."

"Correct."

"Can I say that this is another bad idea? I mean, it would make more sense for me to be standing up, not to mention that fact that I don't think you can support both our weight. You can barely handle your own."

Gaara's arms buckled and she gave in to the evil forces of gravity. "You have a point."

"Hey, I was also wondering what this was. It looks just like regular sex."

There was more to it than Naruto realized yet. "Remember that technique you invented?"

"Oiroke no Jutsu?"

"Yes. Perform it."

"Okay…" He made the sign he had gotten familiar with. "Oiroke no Jutsu!"

In a burst of smoke, a busty blonde girl with her hair done up in pigtails stood in Naruto's place. Gaara put her hands together to perform her own henge. When the smoke cleared, her former male self stood in her place. Naruto suddenly knew where this was going. He was strangely curious to see how this would work out.

"If you get me pregnant, I'm going to kill you."

Gaara's lip twitched and it was evident to Naruto that she wanted to smile, but didn't dare. "I'll try not to."

Gaara kissed him, letting her hands curve around his perky bottom. Naruto gave a soft, breathy moan that sent a fair amount of blood down to Gaara's cock until it was pressing insistently at the furry patch below Naruto's waistline. Naruto rubbed his breasts against Gaara's now-flat chest and ran his fingers over her cock.

"Have you ever been pleasured by a woman before, Kazekage-sama?" Naruto asked in his best 'sweet girl' voice.

Sticky precum spurted onto his treasure trail as Gaara's male body reacted the way she'd imagine Naruto's would in such a situation. Did being the boy feel as good as being the girl during ultrasex? She didn't know, but she couldn't wait to find out. She currently held a significant interest in her penis she'd never had while she was still biologically male. Satisfying herself that way had never come to mind, even during those long, lonely nights. But having her cock stroked felt good. Perhaps they should do things this way more often. She liked having Naruto assist her in discovering the ways her body could be pleasured.

"I want to fuck you right now…" She whispered as Naruto gently squeezed her manhood and tickled her balls with a curved fingernail.

"Then what's stopping you, _Ka-ze-ka-ge-sa-ma?_" He purred, giggling girlishly.

Gaara buried her nose in the flesh at Naruto's jugular and inhaled as deep as she could. "Why are you so good at being a woman?"

"You're not half bad at it yourself, Gaara-chan."

Her cock rubbed at Naruto's entrance insistently before dipping in. The heat overwhelmed her, she groaned and the henge broke. She was back to her female self. Her pussy rubbed against Naruto's and she found herself disappointed.

"Gaara, maybe you should consider building up your chakra control level so that stuff like that doesn't keep happening."

"If I do, can I sleep with you when you're a girl and I'm a boy?" It would give her something to work forward to.

"Sure. That'd be an interesting experience." He dispelled the Oiroke no Jutsu. "Where to from here, sweetheart?"

"The bathroom sink."

Once they'd worked their way into the bathroom, Gaara bent over and spread her legs wide. She didn't have to look back to see Naruto surveying her as he stepped forward, she could see him in the mirror before her. His hands curved around her hips and he kissed the back of her neck as his cock rubbed against her pussy. He dipped his head in teasingly, making shallow thrusts and being careful that no part other than that entered her. She groaned in frustration at his coyness. One impudent index finger began rubbing her swollen clit in time with his cock and she felt electrified.

"Oh!" she gasped as she found her pussy tightening around his manhood. "Naruto…!"

Each stroke garnered a unique twitch or jerk of the hips from her as she felt her toes curling, body buzzing with sensation. She felt like she was floating higher and higher into oblivion on a bubble of pleasure. Then it popped and she plummeted into her orgasm, spouting incoherent gibberish as she came.

Naruto left sticky kisses on her collarbone as she panted, trying to recover as quickly as possible. "Did Gaara-chan like that?"

"Shut up!" she spat, glowering at him over her shoulder.

His lips crushed against hers in a kiss and he sheathed himself completely inside her. He thrusted just right, curving upward to nail her special spot in the way only he seemed to be able to. Her fingers curved into claws and she arched to push him deeper. Having sex with Naruto made her believe in such ridiculous things as magic because there was no way anything that when broken down scientifically was completely repulsive could feel so good. The hard countertop was uncomfortable to be bent against, but she forgot about it for the most part. He leaned down and whispered dirty things in her ear, licking and biting it when he couldn't think of what to say. While the words were completely unnecessary, they added to the experience.

"Nnngh…" she groaned, feeling the bowstring draw of imminent orgasm. The death threats weren't necessary for now. He was going to follow through. "Naruto…"

He chuckled lowly. "Look at yourself, sweetheart. Are you in the habit of making that face?"

Gaara opened one dark-shadowed eye to view herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were flushed under her wildly scattered hair, sticking to her flesh with her sweat. Her mouth was ajar and she was gasping unabashedly. She shook every time Naruto thrusted, but he held her steady. How shameful for the Kazekage to be this brazen. They weren't even doing it on a bed the proper, normal way. Somehow, she couldn't help but feel embarrassed for her nation a little.

His strokes grew more frantic and Gaara knew that Naruto would be filling her with himself soon. Her mind wandered to his lovely, luscious cock and shivered happily. Naruto shuddered in response and came, riding the orgasm for all it was worth to the last drop. Gaara was quick to recover and pulling Naruto into their bed before he even had a chance to take a breather.

He contorted his hands into the position necessary for the technique. "Kage bunshin no jutsu!"

A doppelganger of Naruto smiled at Gaara as he sat on the wrinkled sheets, cock already erect. He kissed her and pulled her onto his lap, her back to his perfectly duplicated face. The real Naruto stroked himself appreciatively as he watched his double's manhood disappear into her. The clone wrapped his arms around Gaara and laid down, her legs widespread so that the real Naruto had access to her as well. Would this really work as Gaara intended it to? Either way, his knees would be hurting after this.

"How's it feel so far?"

"Perfect fit."

"Good."

Naruto put his cock above that of the bunshin at Gaara's entrance. At first, it wouldn't go in, but she used her fingers to widen her entrance and Naruto quickly buried himself to the hilt with the Band-Aid theory in mind, hoping it wouldn't cause her as much pain. She flinched, trying to block out the pain to the best of her ability as her womanhood was filled to bursting.

Naruto was quick to notice. "Are you okay?"

She shook her head and Naruto immediately dismissed the bunshin, pulling out as she trembled beneath him. "You know, you would get into less trouble if you could settle for vanilla sex, sweetheart."

"It hurt…" She was shell-shocked and she buried her face in Naruto's neck to let him comfort her. This was the first time sex had truly caused her pain. She hadn't known it could be anything but pleasurable.

"I know, I know…" He rolled off of her and held her close. "I should've tried to make you change your mind."

He patted her back, very inappropriately wondering if he should still be turned on by this display of vulnerability. His dick said yes, his brain said no. Both opinions were almost equally important. They did agree on one thing and that was that girls liked sensitivity in a man and wanted someone who would be their crying shoulder and doing this would end up with the aforementioned getting laid. Then again, most girls' troubles were about a fight they had with their friend or the death of their cat, not 'I tried to stuff two dicks in my cooch and it hurt'. Naruto hoped that his boner didn't give her the wrong impression.

"Are you going to sleep now?" He asked, rubbing circles on her back. _'Don't go to sleep and leave me with a raging stiffy!'_

"No…" She rested her hands on his manhood and kissed him. "I still want to do a little more with you."

'_Dear Kami, I finally acknowledge that you exist.'_

I0I0I0I0I

After some nice, simple vanilla T-square sex, Gaara was content and full of warm sperm. Also after the nice, simple vanilla T-square sex, Gaara had requested some mind-numbing pillow talk. Naruto, while telling her that his head was very empty and that he wasn't thinking of anything right now, was actually thinking that Gaara was getting _way_ too good at being a girl and that included all the bad things about women. Wanting to share feelings and shit. Ugh. She hadn't quite gotten to that stage yet, but he shuddered to think of what that would be like.

But the time had come again to move on. He wanted to get some sleep that wasn't interrupted by sex, as crazy as that sounded. His hand was on the door when Gaara sensed his impending departure and woke up. Though her eyes were blurry, she knew what she saw.

"You're leaving."

"Cresselia isn't going to find herself."

"Right." She had no plans on impeding upon his search.

Naruto adored her for that. "I'll see you again soon."

"I know."

I0I0I0I0I

When the three girls who had gone out searching returned to Konoha to report to one another, they all claimed they'd seen neither hide nor hair of Naruto. They each had their doubts in the verity of the stories they heard from one another, but only one had hers confirmed. She'd been played in the worst way and she was so far behind the competition that she wondered if she could ever catch up. As Gaara and Sasuke limped away, Neji wondered what she'd missed out on and felt her heart grow tremendously jealous. Perhaps things would be better off if she could keep them away from her Naruto.

Perhaps they would both just be better off dead.

They and everyone else who dared to get in her way.

The incubi waiting in the shadows shared a smile as they sensed her hatred and bitterness making the mote of darkness being nursed at the center of her heart swell drastically. Things were going just as their master had expected and they silently praised his cleverness.

Like this was _really_ all just about having kits…

0o0

Hopefully my male reviewers will continue to review. Reviews are how I get inspired for each chapter and how you can learn more about the story! Oh, and by decree of my brain meats, the _real_ girls will start getting in on the action soon. Yes, you read correctly. Future smexiness includes: NaruSaku, NaruHina, and NaruTen. May there be mass high-fiving all around. In the fake girl sector, there'll be NaruKiba and NaruShika in addition to the rest of the man-ladies that have already had their go. All of the aforementioned ladies have a specific fetish or preferred style of sex (except for one, who will be under the influence of the infamous drug of debatable existence 'Spanish Fly' via the incubi). See if you can guess who'll have what.

On that note, I will be doing more het fiction in the near future. Now you'll have a reason to not automatically delete the things the things that get sent to you in your inbox because you happen to have me on Author Alert! When it comes to that, I usually write NaruHina but I've also been feeling this draw towards SasuHina and NaruSaku… And yes, there will probably be some NarufemGaa (or NarufemSasu) out of familiarity towards the characters. As for other series, you'll see Yûko x Watanuki (xxxHolic) and Chika/Shito/Yomi/Zarame x Michiru for Zombie-Loan (which happens to be a great manga series that you may or may not have heard of and should go check out now, they've got great scans at onemanga dot com or you could buy the manga from Yen Press which does excellent translations that catch things the scans miss). I'm talking too much…

Live long and prosper, minna-san, at least until the next chapter comes out.


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